POLITICS AND POKER, POLITICS AND POKER, CUT THE DECK, TAKE OUT THE JOKER

BYE-BYE, ASSHOLE--TENNIS, ANYONE?

Hey Asshole, think about how many queers are still above ground and enjoying life. And please mention to Old Scratch that when Kelso gets there to have a plentiful supply of Swiss Miss Instant Cocoa (with sugar, no mini-marshmellows). It should make for good sippin' in one of the cooler outer rings of hell, as Kelso enjoys your Promethean enternity a bit closer to the white-hot core.

There's going to be much glee and analysis and self-righteousness in the liberal blogosphere over the death of Reverend Falwell, so, we'll pass in favor of doing some wool gathering in the neverending search for The Best Of It. Kelso thinks that ATP Tennis seems to be the right analogy here. No question that Pat Robertson is in all ways the Roger Federer of the Soul Saving dodge, which leaves James Dobson as the Rafael Nadal. He's a superstar, a pure hall-of-famer who will have his moments but is only going to get to Robertson every now and then and only on Deep Southern Red Clay! Falwell's abandonment of the mortal coil makes #3 as much a puzzle on the SST (Soul Saving Tour) as it is on the ATP Tour. Ted Haggard seems to have made the right career move by going "no-way" instead of "yes, gay." That would make him the Andy Roddick (geddit?) of the SST with a legit claim on the #3 spot if he comes off the suspended list (for GSEDs--gay sex enhancing drugs) completely recovered. He's got the powerful serve for grass and hard-court and the stamina for clay being Colorado-based. And Haggard's got Roddick's star-quality.

But why go through all the guesswork and the tennis analogy when thechurchreport.com HAS a ranking. Kelso's not buying T.D. Jakes as #1 (Politically-correct bullshit on their part, it seems...sorry but no black guy is a true #1 on this list; go to betfair.com and fade Jakes for all you can move). We think Dobson's too low at #9. And why Robertson doesn't show up is a mystery as he is a clear #1 in terms of money, reach and durability. He's only below #20 if Oliver Cromwell, Cotton Mather, Savonarola and Torquemada qualify. Have fun with this and a shout-out to poster "Harvey" for the pure steam on Creflo Dollar some months back. Reverend Dollar checks in at #36. If George W. Bush is #8, that would probably put Senator Barrack Obama a solid #75, no?

http://www.thechurchreport.com/mag_article.php?mid=643&type=year

Here at the Nuts we like to look at current events in a different way than most bloggers do -- which is probably why about three people read this regularly! -- and with the tennis analogy and this most excellent list, we feel we have succeeded. Where else will you read "Pat Robertson" and "Roger Federer" in the same sentence? Who else spares no expense in getting a list like this for you all to noodle over? We fucking well deserve a cup of Swiss Miss and we're going to have one right now.

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BUEN VIAJE AND BUENA SUERTE, GUNSLINGER

It has been a pleasure and a privilege to have hosted the Gunslinger for his week of R & R prior to his preparation for and assault upon the World Series Of Poker. We've been a financial sponsor of the Gunslinger for four years now and with a compounded return of around 237% on investment and who can argue with that? Kelso and The Gunslinger have been long-distance fantasy baseball opponents and email/phone friends for years but this past week was the first time Kelso has had the opportunity to hang out with the guy and we miss him already. Knowing no Spanish at all, he came down here and established himself as a force in the very tough Panamanian-Jewish gambling world and did it with class and grace. We are hopeful that he'll be able to carry the logo of a local hotel/casino into the WSOP, wear it on TV and at the final table of the main event. Go on, my son.

Aside from his charming personality and easy-going style, the Slinger's generosity of spirit knows no end. He gave amateur Kelso a 7-day intensive poker course. Anyone who's reading this has to understand that what happened here last week was the EXACT equivalent of a 14-handicap amateur getting lessons from and having access to someone at the level of a Stewart Cink on a 24/7 basis on the course and with the books and notepads. His assessment of Kelso's play was, initially, that Kelso was winning only because of disposition and probability assessment, and had two heinous tells plus a very limited toolkit. So, the work focused on getting rid of the tells and expanding the toolkit. Kelso did well financially in the games but is refocused on continuous improvement and on making the Gunslinger proud.

In the off-hours, Kelso and the Gunslinger made a very strong blackjack tandem, Kelso doing a synesthetic count and Gunslinger doing money management. Kelso sorted out some local kids to occupy first and second bases and to reverse-shill. Gunslinger kept them on-purpose.

A quick note to "Doc," Gunslinger-pere: We haven't met yet but I hope your son enjoyed himself here in Ciudad de Panama. Whatever your parenting technique was, you should be very proud of your son. Kelso could use some tips, having a seven year old boy of his own.

Usually, we're pretty pissed off at one thing or other here, but the Gunslinger's mellow still prevails here in this little corner of Paitilla.

Kelso's Nuts love you.