A THREE ISSUES THAT DEMAND ATTENTION BEFORE KELSO GOES ON BRIEF HIATUS

(1) The shooting of the Ecuadoran manic-depressive. Why does this surprise anyone? Does anyone REALLY believe that law-enforcement people are chosen for their diplomacy, measured approach or intellectualism? That would be silly. That career from patrol-person to FBI Special Agent is either a path out of poverty alternate to vice or because of sadistic, bullying tendencies coupled with a little intelligence. Show Kelso ONE law-enforcement "professional" who has read ONE novel that wasn't TOM CLANCY and Kelso will congratulate you. Intellectual snobbery on Kelso's part? You better fucking believe it.

That the press went along with the crap dropping code words like "Medellin" (which was a stop-over from Quito to US, you know like NYC to Kansas City to El Paso) and then failed to follow-up is no surprise. Unfortunate, but no surprise. We're in for at least three more years of this, and probably more.

(2) The ever-popular James McManus, on Poker, at the Tissue Of Lies. In today's column, "Gifts for the Card Sharks on Your List," he writes and Kelso quotes "Flimsy plastic chips are difficult to stace and bet with; worse, it's well nigh impossible to riffle two stacks of them together one-handed, the ultimate act of dextrous poker cool...." LIFO here. When Kelso first stared to the play no-limit Texas Hold 'Em for large stakes in cash games, a veteran of the gambling workd told Kelso first and foremost: "DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME LEARNING CHIP TRICKS. It takes away from time better spent working on your own game and watching other players. Moreover, combined with your aggressive play, sloppy chip stacking and poor fine-motor control, you'll be giving up a natural advantage and scaring tourist money away if you do the tricks." Poker cool? Give Kelso a break. Again, this column is truly amazing. A poker column that is never about poker. Well, it fits in beautfully with the Tissue Of Lies sports section which never seems to be about sports. Why the Tissue even bothers with poker is not clear. Poker is a gambling-game with intellectually puzzling features. They should either deal with it on those terms or give the inches over to more classified real estate ads.

(3) Condoleeza Rice. There's no way this remark is not coming off as racist as hell, but why must she answer every question in that convoluted jock-speak? Is it the "relationship" with Gene Washington that's influencing her? Washington went to Stanford and had always struck Kelso as a pretty bright guy, of course, Kelso was 11 years old at the time! Seems Rachel Maddow is the only liberal with the balls to call her on this, but Kelso's going to as well. The Secretary Of State Of The United States ought to be able to express herself if not eloquently then at least in simple, declarative sentences. Is it an insecure "African-American in the spotlight thing?" As with jocks a,b,c,d. (Well, not "B"; Jerome Bettis of the Steelers always speaks the press honestly and clearly). Kelso doesn't think so? Barbara Lee is perfectly understandable, ditto, Jesse Jackson, Jr. (the Rep not the Rev), Cynthia McKinney, etc. More likely, Rice is always getting questions she either can't or doesn't want to answer, so she gets beffudled and spews that EINO -- English In Name Only. Condoleeza Rice for President? Seems crazy but Bush has certainly reduced the bar to the point that a half-wit like Rice ought to have no problem on the verbal front. And those "bootstraps"...? They certainly go along with the shoes. Rot in pieces, Rice, you moronic, sadistic beast.

Later.

Kelso's Nuts love you.