WELL, AS KELSO COULDN'T CASH A STEVE ASMUSSEN HORSE THAT LAID OVER THE FIELD IN THE 2ND AT HAWTHORNE AND GOT BEAT BY SOME RAG, HE IS ASSUMING HIS HORSE KARMA IS BAD TODAY AND WILL DO THE BLOG AND SOME OTHER WORK AND CATCH UP ON THE RACING POST-SHRINK

How's that for a headline?

Cokie Roberts (National Pentagon Radio), Timothy Egan (Tissue Of Lies), Ben Smith (Ruling Class Salmon-Colored Fish-Wrap), you are all scalding Kelso's Nuts right now. Howard Dean, Michael Moore and Cindy Sheehan are NOT THE PROBLEM. About the worst you can say of them is this: Dean has a bit of the cock-of-the-walk in him (it's a short-guy thing, you wouldn't understand); Michael Moore has some celebrity prima-donna in him to be sure, and Casey Sheehan was certainly his mother's match in terms of intellect and courage albeit 180 degrees apart politically. That's the bad stuff. The good stuff is this: they are maybe the SOLUTION, but if not, they didn't fuck it up militarily, fiscally or monetarily. They told the hard truths and YOUR fuckers messed it up.

So, assholes, instead of continuing to contribute to the problem because of your own misguided fear and anger by writing and speaking this awful tripe (not to insult tripe -- Case D'Amore in Las Vegas makes the best tripe in the Sicilian style Kelso has ever had) -- here's a suggestion that might actually help solve things. Not sure what the psychologists call it but here goes. Do what your beloved Fuhrer, W, does. Get yourself an 8-ball, a glass surface, and something small and sharp to chop with. Take out the biggest rock in the packet. Place it down on the surface. Place a piece of aluminum foil over it and crush it up with a spoon. Use the small, sharp chopping device to make the powder finer. Then, apportion the powder into even inch-long, 1/16 inch wide "lines" (is that the word? Kelso dunno). If you have sinus problems, makes sure to have cleared your sinuses beforehand with Afrin (tm) or lukewarm salted-water from a netti cup. Saltaire (tm) also works. Use a cut-down plastic straw or hollow Bic pen to inhale the powder through the nostrils. Then, walk into the kitchen, collect a little tap water on the tips of the index and "finger of hostility" and inhale into both nostrils. Take a tumbler off the shelf, fill with ice and Jack Black. Now you're ready.

Go into your home office with the drink in hand. Set it down. Turn on computer. Insert one of the myriad DOD-sponsored 18-YO+ games into the CD-ROM drive and pretend to kill and maim as many dark people as you can in the allotted time while sipping your Jack Black. Don't worry if some of "your guys" get wet in the process. It's all a video game, remember? Repeat as often as necessary. Now, for the more intellectually inclined among you. Put either the latest version of Sid Meyer's Civilization or SimCiv into the CD-ROM, replacing Special Ops Forces Falluja or whatever was in there before. Start your simulated civilization YOUR way: strong central government, strong state religion, both of which must be highly aligned with the 5 major industries and the top two firms within those industries you have selected, establish high taxes on the middle-class, poor, and borderline upper-middle class, slavery for any "color" you don't like optional, while running as high a deficit as possible, invade countries you know nothing about, using either the worst commanding officers you have, or declining the default option of allowing your generals to employ their strategy and tactics. And then just wait for your on-line opponent to hit you and bury you the way Alaric The Goth buried Rome.

Depressed that your cherished certainties have been crushed, take out another rock, some more Jack Black (maybe a few pretzels?) and drown your sorrows. When you're ready to go to sleep take one or two mg of the benzodiazapine of your choice, drink some V-8 or Gatorade, take a 1000 mg slow-release Vitamin C with Rose Hips with a tall glass of water, and if your stomach is acting-up chew up a few Tums but only after you've done your benzos. Tums are also a nice source of calcium, Cokie (ha ha ha ha) and when you wake up the next morning: TELL AMERICA THE FUCKING TRUTH FOR ONCE IN YOUR MISERABLE LIVES.

Now, how is it that a d-g from the demimonde like Kelso with "only" an MBA knows more about history and realpolitik than you three brilliant journalists?

Part II of this coming when Kelso has digested the Hillary Clinton press release "clarifying" her position on Iraq and the Jimmy Breslin response that Anita Xanax of anitaxanaxnow.typepad.com has so generously provided him.

Kelso's Nuts love you.

P.S. Kelso's A+ con-law source has called Kelso a "Socially Liberal Republican"! Could that be true, even though he's a registered Democrat??? Velly, velly scary.