VITRIOL STRAIGHT WITH NO CHASER WEDNESDAY

Two pieces in yesterday's Tissue Of Lies piqued Kelso's interest and both suggested to him a solution for the problem of Black unemployment. The first was the feature on the wood about Claude Allen's fall from grace, he the African-American Bush domestic policy adviser who was caught shoplifting and returning shoplifted items for refunds. As was reveal in the piece, he had worked for Jesse Helms, created a devlishly clever gay-baiting strategy for Helms in his races against Governor Hunt, was an acolyte of Clarence Thomas, and, perhaps, most obviously and most importantly, was a strong advocate for "personal responsibility" for his brethren and sistren as opposed to government aid and affirmative-action.

Yeah, fuck him sideways, and he is fucked, boy. Kelso has on two or three occasions socialized with the Maryland State Prosecutor, Doug Gansler, and Mr. Allen better be ready. Gansler's a good guy socially, but no one to be trifled with. Kelso, as he always does in these situations, wishes no ill upon Mr. Allen beyond a short removal from society to ponder his mistakes. But that's getting off the point.

The other piece was Clyde Haberman's very sensible column criticizing Albany's slow reform of the nonsensical and racist Rockerfeller drug laws in New York State. Now, mind you, this is very significant. Mr. Haberman in the past has rarely missed an opportunity to bash Black people and has been a fairly reliable law-and-order Jew of the Ed Koch variety. But again, a bit off the point. The point is that Haberman closes the piece quoting the anti-Black Black go-to guy here, Reverend Calvin Butts of the Abyssinian Baptist Church. Reverend Butts has been a strong supporter of Giuliani and very much a "personal responsibility" guy. Oh, Butts no likey the Rockefeller laws either.

So, here's the point. There may not be union jobs for African-Americans by the millions, but if you are Black and are interested in publicly criticizing other Blacks for their lazy, shiftless, criminal ways and willing to go on about "personal responsibility" and "bootstraps", there is no shortage of work, permanent and free-lance at a very high wage. Kelso's going to perform a little experiment inspired by the movie Trading Places. He's going to pick out four of the cannier Black criminals he can find. Give them the numbers, addresses and e-mail addresses of The Heritge Foundation, The American Enterprise Institute, The Olin Foundation, and The Richard Mellon Scaife Foundation. They will be "tasked" with soliciting work as domestic policy analysts focused on the "inner-city" problem ready to deliver a strong anti-government message (except law-enforcement which is sacrosanct) coupled with short missives extolling the virtues of "personal responsibility" and "pulling one's self up by his bootstraps". If at least two of these guys aren't on the payroll at these foundations, Kelso will eat his hat. Of course, he's wearing a chocolate Tam O'Shanter.

But why should this be restricted to African-Americans. Kelso wants in. Kelso is as Floppers-Of-The-Nuts know, of Eastern and Mittel European Jewish extraction. Having grown up in that environment, Kelso has noticed just how fucking many Jews are involved in gambling, drugs, prostitution, left-wing politics, psychiatry, pornography, trade unions, quantitative derivatives trading and the arts. Being that these are all social ills today -- 9/11 changed everything -- do you think Heritage would take Kelso as a public policy analyst if he's willing to criticize his brethren and sistren for being involved in all that, and asking them to give up their evil ways, take "personal responsibility" and stop hating America? Kelso's up to the task!

NCAA BRACKETS

DUKE GW GW GW
GW

TEXAS A & M TEXAS A & M
LSU

WVU WVU
IOWA

NC
TEXAS TEXAS TEXAS

MEMPHIS MEMPHIS MEMPHIS
BUCKNELL

PITT PITT
KANSAS

SD SU
GONZAGA GONZAGA GONZAGA GONZAGA GONZAGA

ALABAMA
UCLA UCLA

UCONN UCONN UCONN UCONN UCONN
UAB

WASHINGTON
ILLINOIS ILLINOIS

MICHIGAN ST
NC NC NC

SETON HALL
TENNESSEE TENNESSEE

VILLANOVA VILLANOVA VILLANOVA VILLANOVA
WISCONSIN

NEVADA
BC BC

OKLAHOMA
FLORIDA FLORIDA

NORTHERN IOWA
OHIO ST OHIO ST OHIO ST

FINAL FOUR: GW, GONZAGA, UCONN, VILLANOVA
GONZAGA V UCONN FOR TITLE

UCONN NATIONAL CHAMPION

Well, that probably wasn't real clear, but Kelso is no formatting whiz to say the least.

Please, No Wagering.

Kelso's Nuts love you