SAY "HI" TO TOM DeLAY

As we mentioned in the Nuts sometime back the indictment -- and subsequent resignation of Tom DeLay -- was no cause for celebration. Oh sure, the do-goody-good jerks like Al Franken thought it was peachy but don't forget that Al Franken was another Iraq War waffler. Tom DeLay like the character Terry Southern in Heavy Put-Away was a materialist and that was and is not a bad thing. Oh sure, he talked a wonderful game about God this and Judeo-Christian that, but the boy could always be counted on to bottle up all the anti-gambling shit in committee from the real zealots (McCain, Kyl,Leach, Goodlatte, Hillary, Lieberman...it's a long bi-partisan list). He knew where the money was and he took it. And he probably deserved it for bringing the Republican Party into a generation of dominance by sheer brains, balls, and force of will. So, DeLay and Abrahamoff and Reed and Ney and a few others are going to be guests of the United States for a while. So fucking what? The GOP -- at least in terms of rhetoric have hundreds more just like them.

DeLay was good for the GOP and good for the professional bettor because of his essential materialism, not his rhetoric. He did the job and wanted to get paid. What's the problem? Folks, in a time of war and zealotry perhaps the almighty buck may be what saves our civilization. Because Condoleeza Rice sure ain't going to do it. Condoleeza Rice cannot get out of her own way and would probably be an underdog at checkers to your average seven-year old. Trust Uncle Kelso, she's not going to solve a 5000-year old conflict with a smile and a dead-wrong dissertation of the Soviet Union. Bootstraps, my left (you know).

This DeLay business may sound very weird coming from Kelso. It's pure self-interest, of course, but that aside you do have to respect the man and his talent. An acquaintance of Kelso's upon hearing this particular diatribe remarked "But, I thought you were a Liberal? No Liberals like Tom DeLay." Kelso had to disabuse this person of this notion. Kelso is NOT A LIBERAL. Kelso believes that first and foremost a government has a duty to feed, clothe, house, care for, educate and do its best to employ it's citizenry. There are many postive externalities to this which are too numerous to go into. America has chosen to do none of the above, so Kelso's attitude is "fuck you, then, I'm a capitalist and short of lying, cheating or stealing, I'm not leaving any meat on the bone," because once a government breaks that contract with its citizenry, all were arguing about is crumbs. And to quote the man, "living well is the best revenge."

Here's a little test. Who is the better corporate citizen? WHOLE FOOD or ALTRIA (formerly PHILIP MORRIS)? The question begs the answer. Of course, it's ALTRIA. While WHOLE PAYCHECK is doing everything in it's power to prevent unionization, ALTRIA recognizes that it's U.S. market is a loss-leader and appears to have done some serious social good since the lawsuits began. DISCLAIMER: KELSO OWNS SHARES OF ALTRIA and R J REYNOLDS (makers of AMERICAN SPIRIT cigarettes, ha ha!). Belonging to the SIERRA CLUB or buying PATAGONIA clothing or keeping money with WORKING ASSETS are retrogressive acts and the sooner Liberals get hip to that, the sooner they can start fucking winning.

Now, there's materialism and there's materialism. Has there been a bigger fool to cross the American political stage than Bob Torricelli (D-NJ)? The man threw away a Democratic leadership position for a Rolex, a suit and a flat-screen TV! And here Kelso though Wm. Jefferson, Jr.'s $90K in aluminum foil in the freezer was a joke.

Bluegrass Cat absolute ass-fucked the Haskell at Monmouth, setting up a very interesting matchup with Bernadini in the Travers. Kind of like the latter at even-up.

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