NEW MOTTO, SAME VIEWPOINT

Crazy insane? Or insane crazy? Somebody way smarter than Kelso sang that some years ago, but the answer is really "perfectly normal." At least that's how the -- um -- situation in the Middle East looks from this corner. What a choice for a secular humanist Jew to make? Random dark people who hate you or random slightly lighter people of a 30th generation remove who also hate you? Kelso will not take a side in this newest, most brilliant scheme of Karl Rove's making: make the U.S. voters forget about a war in the Middle East by encouraging a war in the Middle East.

So, what is to be done? Either of two things will happen (1) they'll blow the world in two or (2) China, Russia, the EU or some pair from that threesome will eventually say "Children, Enough! You had a nice little kegger and Ecstasy party while Mom and Dad were in Davos, but let's shampoo the carpet, throw the bottles in the recycling, and everybody goes home and gets ready for school on Monday, mmm-kay?" Here's hoping the latter obtains before much more death and maiming.

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And now for our own little intra-tribal war. It sez here that Lamont is going to crack Lieberman and a lovely little thing that is. Kelso has been bloody sick and tired of Joe Lieberman being the public face of Kelso's ethnic cohort. Feingold, no problem. Wyden, OK. But Lieberman? A mean little man with acne scars instead of a soul. Basically, a short, heterosexual Ed Koch. Kelso's hoping that Lamont puts a hard beating on Holy Joe in the Connecticut Democratic primary and Kelso is hardly the only Jew who feels that way. Here's the dirty little secret: despite that the most left-wing Jew in American politics would fit snugly in the moderate portion of the Likud party, the polling seems to show that the Jewish people of Connecticut are not buying anymore and seem to have no problem with replacing the evil prig with a gentle gentile gentleman. Lamont seems to be ahead on the scorecards, and is waiting to throw the knock-out punch when the desperate Lieberman ties his campaign to the "war" in Southern Lebanon. Barbara Boxer can suck cocks in hell, by the way.

And now for some more vitriol from The Bad Guy. We go into the way back machine to a great line by 70s comic, Jimmy "JJ" Walker who said "the situation in Northern Ireland shows that in the absence of Blacks and Jews, White People can IMPROVISE." Pretty trenchant stuff from the tres-commercial Kid A-Dyn-O-Mite from Good Times. A corrollary to the Walker Hypothesis has obtained (Kelso certainly abides using "obtain" and an intransitive verb!) for many year here in the wicked North, Blue States, as you like. A Southern gambler of the left-wing persuasion once asked K "what happens like in New York where there are no Crackers?" Again, we have turned time and again to Mr. Walker's hypothesis. New Yorkers have done a wonderful job improvising as the so-called Giuliani Democrats (read European immigrants with no particular blood tie to Moses), the Catholic Church, and the Orthodox Jewry fight it out against the usual suspects: scholarship, "moolies", drugs, High Church Protestants, abortion, culture high and low, Domenicans, the ever-popular "gays," writers, actors, prostitutes, purveyors of vice, etc., those who complain about silly things like sending people back to work on Wall Street when they knew the air was unsafe...Basically your garden-variety, SECULAR JEW!!!"

Don't believe Kelso? William Donahue, President of The Catholic League, was quite clear about how the battle lines have been drawn: Evangelical Christians, Catholics, and Orthodox Jews versus "Hollywood" Jews and those pain-in-the-ass rich Protestants: Espicopalians, Presbyterians, Congregationalist, Methodists, and Unitarians in a battle for the soul of the world. Howard Beach versus The Upper West Side; Broad Channel versus Lower Manhattan. Oh Christ, you can't figure that out? Open your eyes! And see the Cracker for what he is. If he's a frat guy, so much the cleaner. But maybe, maybe and probably he or she is one of New York's Finest and New York's Bravest and when they're in their enclaves, they do and have done shit within the boroughs that would put a Klansman to shame.

And why is this important? Kelso just wants to be left alone but apparently as our Crackers take their marching orders from that lisping cretin, stuffed like a sausage into his Yankee warm-up jacket -- don't believe? check out tape of the police riot Rudy started during the 1993 campaign. And make no mistake about it -- in the pantheon of New York's Crackers the heroes line up like this (1) The Pope (2) Rudy (3) James Gandolfini. But for crying out loud if you're Jewish and you don't like any of this, stay away from it. So what if you're a little scared that the Moolies are going to come and git-cha. They're not going to. Just take a pill and relax. Ed Koch tried this divide and conquer shit in the 80s and damned near went to prison for it.

Ah, Ed Koch. Another Jewish pseudo-Democratic like Lieberman. Just like the cozy relationship Lieberman has enjoyed with Bush, so it was with Koch and Reagan. The only difference is that both Koch (gay) and Reagan (a real boostraps story) had a whisper of humanity in them. Kelso's point is that he ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY DOES NOT WANT JOE LIEBERMAN TO BE THE PUBLIC FACE OF KELSO'S ETHNICITY AND CERTAINLY NOT THE PUBLIC FACE OF KELSO'S OWN IMMIGRANT FAMILY STORY. Kelso's perfectly content to let Einstein, Freud, Marx, Bohr, Jesus and even Oppenheimer carry that load. But a mean Elmer Gantry with a yarmulke, horrible skin, and a penchant for Insurance and Big Pharma dollars? No way. No fucking way. At least Kelso can take comfort in the fact that even if Lamont loses the primary to Holy Joe, when each of these fellows' time comes nigh, no matter what mischief Lieberman gets up to, he'll still die with less than 100 basis points of Mr. Lamont's personal wealth. And it's always Lieberman sucking corporate dick for dough, while Lamont inherited it, married it, and went out and made a few extra $100mm with his own venture. And while Little Dossie Lieberman is at Mikva, it seems Ms. Lamont has been rather effective in the money-management world herself. Good on you, darling!

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Finally, Al Sharpton again got off the best line in the CT campaign: "Whenever I saw my friend Joe, he was wearing the other team's uniform, headed for the other team's bencb."

Kelso's Nuts love you.