THIS ISN'T ANY FUN ANYMORE...IT'S KIND OF SCARY AND UNPLEASANT AND NAUSEATING. AND YOU KNOW KELSO DOESN'T MEAN HE'S SCARED OF A "NEW WAVE" OF TERRORISM

Kind of hard to get food down. Difficult to summon up much enthusiasm for many of the simple pleasures -- sleep, sex, a favorite old movie on DVD. You know the flags are coming out in force over the next few days and god knows what the 5th Anniversary will bring. Even the craziest conspiracy theorist of all, Oliver Stone, has joined the other team with some kind of mawkish tripe. Was Lamont's win all that scary?

A new fake war and a new fake terror threat before fall just as every conspiracy-theorist predicted. And we're back to every SINGLE person on board. Is there a skeptic anywhere? It would all be fine in a kind of a way if it didn't affect me, but I don't particularly have any desire to travel nude. Well, the time one supposes is drawing nigh. I guess I'll have to make that nude trip somewhere -- one way. I can't imagine they'd prevent you from using an airline blanket and some restroom paper towels as a toga or something so as to preserve the tiniest bit of modesty. That is, if they let you out.

What about our children? Will they enjoy the Freedom Camps? The group exercises? The marching? The saluting? The constant ratting on each other to the Kommisar's? Christ, I'd stuff Kelso, Jr., in a carry-on bag and go anywhere. But from all accounts, carry-on bags are no longer permitted.

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No, no, hell, no! That's all too passive. We'll fight them in New York and Boston and Baltimore and Chicago and San Francisco and Los Angeles, just like we fought in Warsaw and Lodz. We'll screw their Cracker asses to the wall if we have to. Patriot Act II says you can't rent a porno tape from your local library, we sell short every fucking bushel of grain and every hog and bury their pink Klansman asses in a mountain of bankruptcy and let their own precious bankruptcy bill rip them new assholes and send their slovenly bodies into some horrible relief center oh like Superdome 2005. And that's just for not letting a couple of us rent a porno tape. We'll fight them with bottles and bricks or spears like at El-Alamein and if there's a Montgomery somewhere in Europe to bail us out maybe we'll get lucky. No retreat, no surrender. And it's Crackers in the good ol' U.S.A. we're talking about here. Not Iraqi insurgents. That will work itself out. As will Israel and Lebanon. It's John Hughes writ large, baby. And when the blond mustachioed storm-troopers come, they get it hard and mean -- the broomstick prick. No matter, watch 'em run like cockroaches when the first American Jewish Left-Wing Woman throws the first brick with Chinese Mustard on it! And when the last King is strangled with the entrails of the last Priest, we win.

And don't forget that when the lights go out, Kelso gets the quisling, David Brooks. Kelso, Sr., gets Thomas Friedman. It seems like the estimable radio man Sam Seder has dibs on Adam Nagourney. The other radio guy, Malloy, gets Limbaugh and Hannity.
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Oh and fuck The New York Juliettes very much, too. Red Sox win the division by 5.

Kelso's Nuts Love You