SPECIAL TREAT IN TODAY'S NUTS, AS WE...

...continue to say "hi" to bad guys near and far, young and old. Though Kelso has been over this ad nauseum, apparently he has to do it again. KELSO'S NUTS makes no attempt to find "common ground" solutions to problems. It is a spot in the massive blogosphere in which one idiot offers opinions mostly about things of which he knows nothing at all. We rant. We curse. We bay at the moon. Because there's nothing else one can do. Once President Clinton was impeached, school was out for good. No? Then please explain the election of 2000, the tragic that befell our nation on 7/11, the election of 2004, the Department Of Homeland Security, and on...So, the answer is YES, KELSO'S NUTS is a horribly offensive blog and when it stops being offensive, every entry and comment -- just magic marker ink on a big white-board -- will be wiped away for good.

So, having called our "beloved" Blue-Collar European Ethnics here in NY to be Crackers (in both senses) -- who loves them besides their families, by the way? Certainly not all the women in Wall Street bars they snowballed with their bullshit in the months following that thing that happened -- we set aside the flag, and "God Bless America" and continue to celebrate the dark side. Today an excerpt from Terry Southern's mind-fuck of a short-story Heavy Put-Away or, A Hustle Not Wholly Devoid Of A Certain Grossness, Granted.

The story involves an old-fashioned con-man from the South telling Mr. Southern, over drinks and cocaine in an LA bar, a story of successful con-job. The story. which ran in the Paris Review, was originally contracted to run in a popular woman's magazine of its time, but was deemed ultimated to be, in the words of the editor, too "gross for [our] general readership."

The story is a complicated tale of a dapper dude jobbing some attractive wife of a disabled stunt-man out of some money, her wedding ring, some liquor, a hotel bill, and one short session of sex. Mr. Southern?

And with that, the sun sinkink behind the Hollywood hills, silhouetting him, Art gave me his All-American, boss-charm, hero-of-many-battles charm. "Now I ask you," he said softly, sliding the snuffbox across the table, "wasn't that a heavy put-away?"

We sat in silence then, watching the sun slowly go down, have have a few unobtrusive toots.

"Listen," I finally said, "those guys...they must have been really...well, one thing I'm a little hazy about is just to characterize their motivation."

Art smiled, raising his brows, as in surprise. "Oh yeah?" He turned hhis eyes towards the distant , where the last rays of sun bled out all along the horizon -- but he didn't reply.

"Well," I went on, "I think you'll agree there is a certain ambiguity here...I mean, let's just run it down in a re-cap -- what did they get out of it? Okay, one: the guy gets laid, by a beautiful young girl -- that's a plus..."

"A really nice girl," added Art, nodding his head to emphasize that aspect of it.

"Right. A beautiful young really nice girl...who hasn't made it with anyone in six months. Okay, that's all a definite plus. But is that enough -- to justify such an elaborate ruse? I mean what else did they get out of it?"

He looked at me, with something close to pity. "I should have thought it was obvious," he said, a slightly pained smile on his lips.

"Well, let's see, there was her wedding ring -- probably a simple, narrow gold band -- what was that worth? Fifth bucks? A hundred?"

"A hundred tops," said Art, "probably less."

"Well, that doesn't seem like much...for all that trouble."

He laughed. "You've got a pretty materialistic slant on things, don't you?"

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The perfect accompanying music to this vignette, would have been, Warren Zevon's Mr. Bad Example, but, alas Youtube Warren Zevon well ran dry long before it got close to that song. If anyone can find and post either the video or the itune (don't break the law, for chrissakes) or both, please send the link along in a comment. Thanks.

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So, maybe a nice jumping off point for this arc of Kelso's Nuts entries might be the benefits and limits of materialism. And it seem right to re-visit Tom DeLay and Jack Abrahamoff with regard to that subject in the next posting. Or maybe not but we'll be saying "hi" (with respect) to many other surprising "bad guys" for a while.

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We'll close with the usual sports stuff. Rudy Giuliani's Girls (Or "The Juliettes", your choice) absolutely stole Bobby Abreu and Cory Lidle from the Phillies, giving up nothing but minor league rags and no-hopers, and por supuesto taking on Abreu and Lidle's contracts. Kelso took 4 quarters of acconting in business school and has come to the conclusion that baseball is more enjoyable than accountancy, so while he'll worry about the Juliettes running away with the AL East, he certainly won't worry about Bobby Abreu's contract. Abreu has a better than 50/50 of making the Hall-Of-Fame and is certainly one of the top 10 hitters in the game. Kelso will let NY's Crackers call Mike-And-The-Mad-Dog to bitch about Abreu's salary when the police make so little and yada, yada, fucking yada. Did Kelso mention that Abreu is (gasp!) a Venezuelan? Bush and Rudy no likey Venezuelans velly, velly much. Watch out for those bleacher creatures in right, Bobby.

The Mets made a bizarre trade, sending Xavier Nady to the Pirates for Ollie Perez and Yes-That-Roberto-Hernandez. OK, they had a surplus of power hitting outfielders, needed to clear space for Lastings Milledge, and certainly need to invent a back-of-the-rotation and replace Duaner Sanchez in the pen. Fair enough. Why send Perez to Norfolk instead of auditioning him for a starting job maybe even for the playoffs. Seems to Kelso that the loss of Sanchez required a righty reliever, not a super-annuated lefty like Roberto Hernandez. Southpaws Oliver and Feliciano were doing just fine, thanks.

The Dodgers rent Greg Maddux, which might be enough for a late charge. Cubs once again got undressed, having to accept Cesar Izsturis for the pleasure of not playing or paying Maddux.

Give the Sawx credit for jumping right in and getting Javy Lopez as starting catcher when Varitek went down. It sez here the Juliettes may still have their hands full, and with the way Tampa Bay has improved, could contend for LAST next year. Blow the dust of those Met caps, you front-running Juliette sniffers.

Kelso's Nuts Love You.