DAVID BROOKS AND VALERIE PLAME

Well, we'll do dude and dweeb first. DUDE, nothing special or of any particular interest to anyone but Kelso, is Justin Verlander, rookie pitcher of the Detroit Tigers for his scintillating first start. Kelso's got Detroit at a huge price to win the AL Central, so this is a good thing. DWEEB is an old favorite, David Brooks, for his Sunday Op-Ed in the Tissue Of Lies. It was the single most convoluted defense of the Duke lacrosse players Kelso could imagine. The essence of it was that because Tom Wolfe wrote some piece of shit called I Am Charlotte Simmons which has something to do with false accusations of sexual abuse on campus and that the culture of the campus is PC and liberal, the lacrosse players may not be guilty of raping and sodomizing a stripper. Ok, Brooks, you fucking twerp...here's the right defense: under our system of laws a person accused of a crime is innocent until proven guilty and is entitled to a vigorous defense in court. But, being the law-and-order man he is, Brooks can't say this. So, it's somehow the campus culture's fault for presuming guilt because the lacrosse players were white and privileged and the stripper was black and Tom Wolfe might not approve of this kind of prejudgment. At rock bottom, the players might be guilty and they might not be. Anybody is free to speculate. Tom Wolfe has sweet fuck-all to do with any of this, and David Brooks is a cunt.

If anybody out there can sort out the Right-Wing deck-of-cards for Kelso, please do so. Does law-and-order trump PC? In every case? How about the Catholic Church child abuse cases? Why isn't J.C. Watts or Claude Allen a no-good nigger when the folks that cheered the O.J. Simpson verdict are no-good niggers? Vice is OK if feminists don't like it, but not OK if religious people don't like it? That how it works? Kelso guesses that 9/11 is the Ace Of Trumps. That one's easy. Now, please provide Kelso with the other 51 cards, so he "gets it" like Tom Friedman does.

And some more words about Valerie Plame. Kelso doesn't much care for the Bush adminsitration, so anything that hurts them is fine by K. But can we please get serious about Valerie Plame for one second? No one who does that job -- NOC -- is anything but a very ill cat. Well-meaning commentators wonder how many operatives have been killed because of her exposure at the hands of Bush and Cheney. Fine. How many? Now, how many people were killed or tortured because of the routine performance of Valerie Plame's job before her exposure? How much money was made in the weapons and drug trade? Where did it go? And for Christ's sakes, what purpose did it serve? So, folks, just read your Tom Clancy or Robert Ludlum or, if you are a little more erudite, Norman Mailer (Harlot's Ghost) and realize that Valerie Plame is nobody's hero. She was a thug on the order of -- say -- a higher-order Russian gangster who can handle excise tax fraud as well as contract killing. And very little difference any of it makes, because like there are ten just like Ivan Ivanovs when one goes up for 25-to-life, there are ten just like Valerie Plame now that she's out of commission. That she's probably making hundreds of thousands on the lecture circuit now is repulsive.

Kelso's Nuts love you.