HEARTLAND VALUES?

Kelso just read something very disturbing on a friend's blog. Not disturbing in the way of War or Famine or Starvation or Thirst or Pestilence but disturbing in a way that confuses and befuddles.

If you haven't already read it, go over D-CUP and read it. Of all the commenters, for some reason your Uncle Kelso is the most freaked out by it. It's the most recent post, entitled "My Evening With Ann Coulter". Kelso's comments appear.

http://politits.blogspot.com/

We cop to having maybe written something stupid somewhere recently about MISSISSIPPI and VERMONT being identical in the eyes of the rest of the world. Maybe it's not stupid. One thing is for sure, A CORPORATE RE-TREAT IN HEARTLAND AMERICA is way less civilized than the underground Poker and Night-Club scenes in NEW YORK CITY.

Haven't yet confirmed officially if this story is real or satire and if it's the latter, we've bitten all the way on it. And we can enjoy a good laugh at our own expense. Somehow, though, the other commenters have taken it seriously, so we're going to trust our instincts here and assume it's on the level. Near as we can figure, D-CUP was at some corporate retreat somewhere in Red Stateland and at a sit-down dinner was insulted and physically assaulted twice by some woman who objected to a tiny political remark D-CUP had made: "I like Dennis Kucinich." Wowee Zowee! Them's fighting words!

There are a number of Native New Yorkers who pass by this bend in the river from time to time and they'll dig what's being laid down here and why it's all so bizarre. And why our first instinct was that D-CUP was making a joke. Now, we've logged many, many hours playing in private pokerrooms, followed up by hanging out in nightclubs. These spots tend to get a very diverse mix of people and as Chris Rock pointed out "nobody going to an ATM at 3AM is up to anything good." And so it is. With all of the money and competition and stress of cards plus the other stresses of clubbing (Kelso's not much of a drinker, luckily), people observe a very odd code of behavior which borders on the insanely polite. No, this has nothing to do with America's Mayor making New York safe again. Quite the contrary. There were no card rooms when he was Mayor and the cabaret laws were so strictly enforced that the night-clubs closed early and were super-boring. The degree of politesse obtains organically. Without it, there would be open anarchy. Some people are playing cards with the rent money or with money borrowed from shylocks. There's all sorts of mischagoss going on in the clubs. And the wrong word or over-the-top insult or something can lead to terrible outcomes at the drop of a hat.

But it's not just that. People don't play cards or go to clubs because they want to have a SHITTY time and lots of HASSLES. They do it for pleasure, work or some combination. And it's much easier just to be polite and pleasant and to promote a feeling of bonhomie. Arguments are generally diffused quickly and settled with a handshake. That's a real good thing. So, something that's a societal necessity kind of gets hard-wired and New York by night is a pretty nice place.

Now, Kelso is not going to pretend going out late in NYC is like going to church. Hardly. It IS at rock-bottom all about vice and money and sex. And water's wet. One gets the feeling, however, that none of the people D-CUP encountered at this Red State retreat would be too comfortable in underground NYC by night. They would be disgusted by it. They wouldn't like all the different kinds of people mixing together and they wouldn't like the vice in open display. They might like the CONCEPT of the money but the complicated ways money is discussed, through poker, through finance, through you know what, and you know what, through people buying and selling various carries on club events, and such would be bewildering and frightening to a Fundie.

But never, never, never, ever, never would something like what happened to D-CUP happen in NYC without a real violent response and police and EMS for sure. Which means everyone else is upset because their good time was spoiled by some bullshit, or worse, it caused a place to get raided and all the chips were counterfeited and the cash seized. The cops would be taking the participants into custody or the hospital and there would be felony or big misdemeanor charges and normal people enjoying their night out would be questioned. It would be a major hassle. So, it just DOESN'T HAPPEN. As the COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF would say, "it's commonsensical." It also doesn't make sense to start shit for no good reason because who really knows what the other person is all about? He or she could be absolutely crazy. A far more likely thing would be if some person were a Kucinich fan and the other a Romney fan it would spur some good laughs and a bet or two. Maybe if it were between a really high-strung Wall Street girl and a really high-strung Domenican girl, they would each mutter "bitch" under their breath and move along. That would actually be extreme.

Yet, the almost blase tone of D-CUP's piece suggests that this kind of public discourtesy is another day at the office in Redneckland. And who the hell would want to hassle D-CUP? She's the model of courtesy. On her blog. In her comments. She's got opinions to be sure but she's not going up into anyone's face with them.

Kelso's conclusion is that the saints have a lot to learn from the sinners. But they won't. And that's OK, too, because there will end up being fewer of them.

Seriously, though, for real that happened at some rubber-chicken dinner? Not joking here at all. It may not bend anyone else's mind but it bends me mind something fierce.

Kelso's Nuts love you