WHERE DID KELSO'S MANNERS GO?

Welcome, Irving "Scooter" Libby, Jr., welcome to the disposible population. No hard feelings here. In all seriousness, your representation of Marc Rich was totally rad. Nothing but props for you for that from this little corner. Many props also for having the moves and the savoir faire to get Judith Miller to do your shit and some time behind bars for you. Way to represent for your gender! PNAC, AIPAC, wars, etc., suck, but fuck it. Those apostates...er, folks...aren't your friends anymore. Jump into the pool; the water's fine here, and there's always room for one more. What was so great about the foreign affairs shit, anyway? Rubber filet mignon dinners, boring speeches and piles from sitting? Kelso did that crap and it was mind-numbing.

Oh, you don't think you're disposible? Think you're still an indispensible player in Israel's century? Think Kissinger or Katie Couric give a fuck? Un-huh, not anymore -- you ain't and they don't. Don't take Kelso's word for it. Ask Theodore Wells. He's defended 1000s of criminal cases. Ask any defense attorney. Ask any social worker. You're in the system now. That makes you more disposible than, oh...any random black person, all people with cancer or AIDS, the uninsured, the poor and unfortunate, the military, the drug dealer, the drug addict, the earnest liberal, the gambler, the poor son of a bitch slaving away in an exurban office cubicle...Kelso's bored now. You get it. Nobody wishes you any ill here. You're just another pile of protoplasm ticking it away until you're ashes in a pewter container on some relative's mantel. Mind your own; watch your back and everything's fine. It's even possible to have some fun on your way to the pewter cup. You may have some problems with the U.S. military families but as far as Kelso and about 98% of the disposible are concerned, we're all square.

Once the shock wears off, it's all good. For the permanent underclass, it's obviously a steady-state. For the rest of us, it's just good or bad luck. It was your turn. "Why?" isn't the right question to ask. Because "life isn't fair" is the answer and that's no real answer. "What?" is the right question, as in "what am I going to do?" And the answer is that you're going to take whatever shit you have to, void yourself of all your sacred cows, and do what you can with the rest of your life to enjoy yourself and do the best you can by those you love. The sun doesn't shine on Charlie Rose's behind, anyway. That part of your life is over. The rest can be fine if you let it.

And now for some baseball...

DIVISIONS
AL EAST
Rudy Giuliani's Girls

AL CENTRAL
Cleveland

AL WEST
Oakland

WILDCARD
Boston

NL EAST
Florida

NL CENTRAL
Pittsburgh

NL WEST
San Diego

WILDCARD
Houston

PENNANT: San Diego

SERIES: Cleveland

AL MVP: Travis Hafner (Cle)
NL MVP: Carlos Beltran (Mets)

AL CY YOUNG: Johan Santana (Min)
NL CY YOUNG: Roy Oswalt (Hou)

AL Rookie Of The Year: Delmon Young (TB)
NL Rookie Of The Year: Tony Tulowitzki (Col)

AL Rolaids: B.J. Ryan (Tor)
NL Rolaids: Takashi Saito (Dodgers)

AL Comeback: Rich Harden (Oak)
NL Comeback: Derrek Lee (Cubs)

AL Manager: Eric Wedge (Cle)
NL Manager: Jim Tracy (Pit)

First Fired AL: Buddy Bell (KC)
First Fired NL: Jerry Narron (Cin)

Most Surprising Team AL: Tampa Bay
Most Surprising Team NL: Pittsburgh

Most Disappointing Team AL: White Sox
Most Disappointing Team NL: Dodgers

Barry Bonds Proposition: First to be charged with federal crime: Barry Bonds-135/John McCain+125.

Next Steroid Case: Carl Pavano-105/Jaret Wright-105

First AL to utter embarrasingly memorable phrase: Curt Schilling (RedSox)
First NL to utter embarrasingly memorable phrase: Jeff Kent (Dodgers)


Percentage of teams that play "God Bless America" during 7th Inning stretch to start the season: 100

Percentage at end: ~90

If Bush throws first pitch, strike or ball? Ball-150/Strike+140

2nd Player to take public stand against Bush Administration (Carlos Delgado was first): Marco Scutaro (Oak)

Kelso's Nuts love you.