GOP DEBATE REVIEW

Ron Paul blew it. Just as Gravel failed to capitalize Sunday on his previous performance, Paul was equally wan. Obviously, Wolf Blitzer is in no hurry to give Ron Paul too much time to speak, so Paul, like Gravel, had to make the most of his opportunities and failed to do so. We're not sure if it was a combination of age, fatigue, frustration or fear of Giuliani, but Paul fucked it up. And it's a damn shame because he's a good guy with a lot of good ideas -- many of which we loathe -- but at rock bottom he's all that's good about the libertarian approach and is the finest dyed-in-the-wool libertarian we've seen in a while on the big stage. How Ron Paul doesn't raise his hand to support the right for gays and lesbians to serve openly in the military tells you everything you need to know about Ron Paul. Bye-bye, we hardly knew ye.

The sense Kelso got from the talking heads was that McCain was the winner with his physcial approach toward the woman who had lost her brother in Iraq. Bullshit. It was a cheeseball move, but not an unexpected one from the really high volatility guy in the race. McCain said and did nothing of note except to tone down some of his bellicosity.

Giuliani didn't do much except repeat his usual "9/11" mantra and got very, very lucky that Wolf Blitzer is a Republican, because when Giuliani responded to the question about pardoning Libby by getting pissy about how the sentence didn't fit the crime, his law-and-order credentials went flying out the window. Blitzer sucked the bracciole and that was it. When Giuliani was Mayor of New York he wanted the death penalty for parking violations. And do the names Diallo, Louima and Dorismond ring a bell? Giuliani's tactic of going after Hillary Clinton and the Democrats was pretty sharp, though, considering he holds a 3-1-1 lead on her head-to-head through June 3 in the polls, and it gave him some breathing room with the other guys on his more moderate social positions. Not an atrocious night for the front-runner but nothing special.

Tancredo is a nut-case but was funny in his response to the question about how he might employ W in a Tancredo adminsitration. He also answered the Libby question forthrightly without hiding behind the "appeals process" figleaf. Tommy Thompson is much more entertaining when he's drunk. A non-factor tonight. Don't really know what to make of Gilmore. Why is he bothering? He can't go back to Virginina and beat Warner or Webb for Senate or Kane for Governor. He's not about to try to get a House Seat. He doesn't seem like a snug fit in any of the other guys' cabinets, nor does he offer anything to the Republican National Committee, and he offers nothing other than the usual Republican talking points that make everybody in America fall asleep. One can only guess that he's in it for a cushy ambassadorship.

All the above is obvious. Aside from Ron Paul (borrowed time) and Tommy Thompson (alcohol jones), if you are a Republican voter you pretty much have to like all of your choices. Very, very little separates them on the issues and on those issues very little separates them from Bush. This "Immigration" issue is a canard. The bill itself is foul as is the know-nothing response to it by the ultra-right. Whether you support it or not, you are saying you hate Latinos for no good reason other than because you are a bigot. The Democrats are equally bad on the issue. Bill Richardson is the only candidate with an opinion worth listening to. We've forgotten where Obama stands on it, but if he's for it, then Kelso has a modest proposal for the Illinois Senator. Let's build a wall around East St. Louis, Illinois. That will solve a lot of crime problems and satisfy a lot of bigotry in the process.

Romney. Romney. Romney. What the fuck is wrong with you, boy? Romney is the best pure politician the Republicans have in the race and he ought to be making a joke out of it. Instead, this flip-flopping and non-English English a la Obama is burying him. Whoever is advising Romney to play to the base is doing him no favor; he's just wasting Romney's natural gifts. Giuliani's leading the field for Christ's sakes and he's not worrying about "the base." Hillary's running away with her race and she's not worried about "the base." Romney can still pull this out if he runs for the Republican Nomination the way he did for Governor of Massachusetts. Looks, height and savvy are not enough. The field is too crowded and too alike. There's a lot of room between Giuliani and the rest on the social issues. Clarity your positions and you win it. Or else...

...your CNN Saint Anselm's College Republican Debate winners -- Senator Sam Brownback and Governor Mike Huckabee are going to pass you, Governor. These are the guys, remember, who gained notariety by claiming not to believe in evolution. These are the Neanderthals, right? Well, maybe not so much. When the Lupine Mr. Wolf Blitzer asked Huckabee to explain himself on that, Huckabee gave perhaps the most profound philosophical explanation of faith Kelso has ever heard from a politician. Huckabee even took time to discuss the idea of "6 days" as a metaphor. It was a masterful 30 seconds and Kelso can accept that this is one seriously bright guy and might actually do something to unite the believers and non-believers if he wasn't such a fascist on everything else. Brownback also came across as a serious guy, albeit also one Kelso wouldn't support with a gun to his head. Brownback's heartfelt remarks about cancer and our fear thereof was the real emotional moment of the debate, as contrasted with McCain's "yellow ribbon" bathos which was probably fucking planned anyway.

Kelso's Nuts love you.