QUANT-BASED SPORTS BETTING AND FEMINISM

How wierd is that, right? First of all, Kelso loves to refer to himself as a "feminist" (a) because it's true, (b) it makes his Mom happy and (c)well...maybe we ought not get into (c)...

Kelso is also a quantitatively-based sports, horse and proposiiton bettor, one of about 500 Americans who can (a) do this thing and (b) out of whose assholes Bill Frist's weaker-than-church-lemonade come is now leaking. Although Frist's wretched UIGEA was aimed mostly at online poker, it's the sports bettors who have suffered the most. And will continue to suffer if Barney Frank can't prevent the ultimate cleft of on-line/off-shore sports bettors and poker players.

Some off-the-cuff notes about our little cohort. Maybe 50% of us would self-identify as anywhere from Center-Left to Far-Left, 25% are apolitical, the remaining 25% conservative. 100% of us, however, are FEMINISTS in the way that Maureen Dowd and Selena Roberts of the Tissue Of Lies are SEXISTS.

The reasoning could not be simpler. When the money's on the line, an athlete is an athlete is an athlete. A politician is a politician is a politician. An actor is an actor is an actor. To wit: when we speak amongst ourselves, you will never hear us refer to Annika Sorenstam as anything other than "Sorenstam" in the way that, say, Barry Bonds is "Bonds." Selena Roberts, not so much.

"Sorenstam's too short at 5/2. Ochoa's the play at 20/1," we might say, while it's always "Annika" or "Laurie" in Roberts's odious columns. To refer to women at the top of their professions by their first names is fucking demeaning.

In the discussion of political wagering, the Junior Senator from New York State is "Clinton" -- not "Hillary" unless she is being distinguished from "Bill Clinton." Have any of you ever read MoDo refer to the favorite to be the next President Of The United States as anything but "Hillary"? When it's time to bet on the Academy Awards, as a final example because as opposed to the unestimable MoDo and the ersatz-MoDo "Selena" love showbiz and fashion and see them as perfect bases for political and sports commentary, among us Charlize Theron is "Theron," as in:

"Are you going to take a short-price with Theron?"

"Screw it. I'll either pass or take a big price with Thompson or maybe dutch Thompson and Mirren. And if Theron beats me, she beats me."

So, to all of you sexist pig Wall Street assholes who think you can do what we do, here's some advice a la Damon Runyon. If you are ever in a bar or at poker table and somebody offers you a bet having to do with a risky proposition related to a famous woman and refers to that woman by her surname, as Richard Pryor famously said "RUN!" Because, douche-bag, you are about to get fleeced.

As we've already bitten Damon Runyon's style and are offering gifts to Wall Street Rudy Giuliani fans who got us in this pickle to begin with (why? fuck if I know), let's bite some of Nelson Algren's style and continue to pass out the early Christmas presents. When you fuck-heads walk into a NYC cardroom in that stupid-ass blue shirt with the white collar and you see a table full of people (including women) wearing the poker uniform (Levi's, sneakers, black-T, hoodie), just do yourselves a favor and walk out. Or, screw it, walk out two hours later with your credit cards and ATMs maxed. Who gives a fuck about you anyway?

Kelso's Nuts quiere muchisimo a su gente, pue'