THE MAN WHO LIKED TO HIT HIMSELF IN THE HEAD WITH A HAMMER...

...because it was such a relief when he stopped. Kelso thinks of that old joke whenever he thinks about Mayor Bloomberg. [nb: Kelso promised he was going to rest a while and he will but Lily did link The Nuts to http://losenoose.blogspot.com/ so one short one's called for just out of respect.]

Voted against Bloomberg twice for no real reason other than a habit of voting column "A," but on balance he has been a good mayor just for not being Giuliani. Probably would be a perfectly acceptable President.

Now, to think about what we didn't like about him: the idiotic remark at the outset of his first campaign about poor people and asthma, the "free speech zones" during anti-war protests, bringing 2004 Republican convention to New York, agents provacateurs at anti-Republican protest, raiding the poker clubs in advance of his second-run, vaguely racist remarks about TWU members and boss Roger Toussaint during transit strike, supported Lieberman instead of staying neutral or backing the Republican, and most of all the constant give-aways to his business buddies while slicing holy hell out the public school system, too many fucking cameras on the streets. Too expensive to live in NY now.

And what we liked about him: rode in on Rudy's coattails but always said that he only ran as a Republican because he knew he had no chance to get Democratic nomination (rare honesty), Mark Green's ham-handed-handling of Air America takeover suggests he would have been a shit mayor, Bloomberg's mellow demeanor calmed things way down after 8 years of that maniac in Gracie Mansion, let the underground poker clubs flourish immediately and once again after he was re-elected, changed the antiquated cabaret laws, let club poker flourish again after re-election (redundancy intentional) , tobacco ban in bars and restaurants, never exploited 9/11, never preached at anyone, reigned the cops in somewhat, turned the strip clubs back into legit strip clubs, always told the Catholic Crazies like Donahue to fuck themselves, admitted to enjoying pot, a short man, good fiscal guy, seemed to be in charge but no histrionics, made the curfew later, went to games and rooted openly for Red Sox, didn't seem to be telling a lot of lies, never disgraced the city, has noticeable Boston accent, solid liberal social views probably the best other than Kucinich of these folks, decent sense of humor, was a lot of fun to watch him use the Republican Party like the cheap bunch of sluts they are, was a real entrepreneur who changed the world as opposed to Perot who was a freak and a thief, was/is single and seemed to have a good time with his female companions, actually seemed like a good-natured guy who enjoyed himself all the time, was non-pareil at damning Bush with fair praise, somewhere there's a picture of Bloomberg giving Kelso, Jr, a big hug.

His pending Independent run for President is going to cause two truly horrible candidates -- Giuliani and Obama -- the world of problems. Obama can't play Third Way Man anymore. He'll either have to switch to Republican Party or go Black Nationalist all the way. And Bloomberg'll force Clinton to clarify herself or get out. Either way, Giuliani and Bloomberg facing off will set off ethnic fireworks among Whites which will be a lot of fun. Bloomberg and Clinton will probably split up Manhattan and the Bronx. Staten Island's Rudy country. Queens is too diverse to make any predictions. The lunacy will be Bay Ridge, Bensonhurst and Carroll Gardens versus Brooklyn Heights, Park Slope, and Prospect Heights. Spanish Inquisition redux with the Jews and the Arabs slightly favored over the Catholics this time around. And Pope Benedict is hardly the peace-lover JPII was. Ratzinger's a true Nazi -- and he has a dog in this fight. Gotti/IRA symps versus Trial Lawyers. Back office versus Traders. Yankees versus Mets/Sawx. Cavemen versus Brainiacs. Northern Mediterranean versus Southern Mediterranean. Eastern Europe versus farthest Western Europe. Spiced Pastrami versus Boiled Corned Beef. Chicken soup versus Pasta Fagiole. Scalia & Alito versus Breyer & Ginsberg. Bar Mitzvah v First Communion. Albert Einstein v Pope Paul. Sex versus Violence. Drugs versus Alcohol. Pornographers versus Pedophiles. 3% Shylocks versus 5% Loansharks. Christ-Killers versus Christ-Worshippers. Ayn Rand versus herself. Epithets of the kind not heard since the days of Coughlin or Spellman or Sheen. And which way does Crown Heights go? Rudy maybe but not if Kiryas Joel 2006 was a guide and long memories over there: didn't particularly like the way Rudy's Kops handled that psycho Busch (the Hasid not the Cowboy). You never, ever know with the overcoats and wigs, once the Blacks and Latinos are out of the mix.

Trust a middle-aged New Yorker. Dinkins/Giuliani I & II (been there, done that, bought both t-shirts), Bloomberg/Ferrer (yawn!). This is the big one we've all been waiting for. This one's been simmering for too long and no one's noticed. Because it's been people of color this, White that, gay this, straight that. These are the powerhouses who haven't faced off in NYC since The Draft Riots or something. D'Amato/Holtzman (1980) suggested it, D'Amato/Abrams (1992) gave us an itsy-bitsy taste (What? Me Fascist?), but this'll be better. Like the fantasy match of MAX BAER V PRIMO CARNERA which never happened but should have. Or BARNEY ROSS V JIMMY McLARNIN which did and went all 15.

When Rudy and Bloomie square off, Bloomberg's police commissioner Ray Kelly maybe the one man who can control the mayhem, and get a Nobel Peace Prize in the process because Brooklyn's gonna make the West Bank look like Woodstock.

Wish we were there.

Kelso's Nuts love you. (And now must really rest for a while)