MIKE HUCKABEE AND THE WAY FORWARD

Huckabee's answer to the question about creationism versus evolution has stayed with us for days. We thank a merciful God that very few other devout Christians in public life have his level of comfort with his own belief system combined with his ability to articulate it. If the 50mm Fundamentalist Christians in America were all as bright and serene as Governor Huckabee is, America in 2007 would be some kind of terrible stew of Nazi Germany, Salem, MA, of the 17th Century, Hollywood of the 1950s and the Soviet Union.

So, we present once again a parable drawn from Kelso's own life. The time was 1993 and the place was Hollywood Park racetrack. Kelso and a friend had arrived early for some reason and were having some sodas in the no-smoking section on the ground floor of the clubhouse when Old Glory was raised and the Whitney Houston "cover" of The Star Spangled Banner was played. Every single person there, with the exception of Kelso and his friend (whose sister was some sort of factotum in the Clinton administration), stood, covered their hearts with their hand and sang along. Kelso's friend turned and said "when I used to see that stuff, I'd get all pissed off that people are just sheep and nothing's going to change...now, I just wonder, why aren't I rich?"

And there it is in a nutshell. Elsewhere, things are complicated -- long histories, empires, losses of empires, philosophies of all sorts, and so on. In the great United States there are only two forces that carry any weight at all: Jesus and Money, both very loosely defined. Jesus is, perhaps, shorthand for eternal life, and with Money we include its close cousin Fame, meaning the TV. Sex, war, alcohol, cigarettes, drugs legal and illegal, etc., serve their function. They raise dopamine and seratonin levels. Jesus and Money, however, are the shit. Ronald Reagan promises both and he either sets the record or comes awful close to it in 1984 v Mondale.

Armed resistence is not going to happen except -- possibly -- if February of 2009 finds George W. Bush still Chancellor. And if he's there it's just as likely that there's a military coup as a civilian one. And all of this talk, talk, talk about diplomacy and science and reason AND Jesus from the Democrats is sickening. How can that sort of talk convince anyone to vote that way when 50mm Americans are hearing every Sunday that all they need to do to LIVE FOREVER is to hate gays, Arabs and Mexicans and believe in some very strange interpretations of the Old and New Testaments? Oh, and vote Republican. And here come the Democrats saying to vote for them because they care about you. No, they don't care about you at all. They care about Monsanto and Aetna's campaign contributions. So, let's see, one side is promising me eternal life and the other wants me just to trust them to do the right thing? Why should I bother? I'll take eternal life, thanks.

The likely election of Hillary Clinton or Al Gore will forestall what must be said but eventually the Democratic Party will come around to saying "it." "It" is a sort of reverse Pascal's Wager. They have to make the point flat out that one has an infintely small chance of living forever and of having any prayer answered and prejudice only reduces that chance still because maybe God punishes those who hate. Then, they have to present the alternative: math, science, reading, reasoning, peace -- and not wasting precious living moments hating anybody for not being straight or White or something -- presents a small but non-trivial probability of lots and lots of Money, Money that can be stolen legally from the believers. And maybe even a non-trivial probability of getting on the TV. And what does that cost? A few hours of homework? A little extra effort on the job? Collective bargaining? That's nothing. And, so what, there's a little residual fear of sickness and the abyss. Free health care takes care of the former. The intoxicant of your choice used responsibly or the latest meds or just good old sex takes care of the latter, temporarily to be sure, but they work.

Finally, instead of this palaver about faith getting one through his or her darkest hours, how about asking "the people" whether a few extra bucks might not have done the job a little better? Or more crudely, "how's that Jesus stuff working out for you? No, really?"

It's as simple as this: in a fair-and-square contest between the guy who went to Liberty Baptist and the guy who went to Princeton, Kelso will always take the latter for everything he can get into the pot.

Kelso, though, is nobody. He's not even a gnat on a dog's dick. Take Dick Cheney's word for it. Go the White House website and see the proud Grandpa of Mary Cheney and Heather Poe's baby boy. Dick Cheney has billions of dollars and all the power in the world and he's always on the TV. How much precious time in a finite life is he wasting in church or hating gays?

All said, it's kind of an ugly thing that somehow wealth and people always on the hustle make for a more socially tolerant environment. Kelso does NOT want to come across as some kind of Thomas Friedman, not hardly. There is, however, a certain re-innocence one gets living in the capital of a newly secular, newly democratic country whose booming economy is based solely on moving money and moving goods. This place is very strange and the bizarre combination of money everywhere and probably the world's most ethnically-mixed society informs Kelso's point of view. 9/11 may have "changed everything" everywhere else, but in Panama the large Jewish community and the large Muslim community get along pretty damned well. 9/11, the Middle East, and all of that are more subjects of dark humor than of hostility. One's skin color, one's ethnicity, one's sexual orientation, one's likes and dislikes, beliefs and lack thereof do not create the kinds of enmity you find everywhere in the States. Problems arise with broken promises and bad debts. If President Torrijos can look Condoleeza Rice in the eye -- subaltern as she was to folks who had hands in the assassination of his father, Operation Just Cause, the subsequent puppets and so forth -- and not blink, one has to believe that the almighty buck must have something to do with it. It sure ain't the fabulous art museums and local theater troupes because there fucking aren't any. Plasma TVs, tax-free at cost you got. Students of history and foreign affairs would know best, but perhaps when the first big-time symphony and the first big-time art museum appear, things will change for the worse, classism will be more of a factor and the vibe will not be so nice. As a philistine, Kelso's not in a hurry for their arrival, neither the classical music nor the classism. This is, however, a subject for another day and for smarter folks to ponder.

Kelso's Nuts love you.