IT HAPPENS EVERY SPRING

Well, no, I guess it's summer now. It's equatorial "winter" where Kelso is. So this doesn't really work, but since "It Happens Every Spring" is one of Kelso, Sr.'s, favorite baseball movies and I has been roughly a year since this sort of thing happened, we'll go with it.

What happened? Kelso got censured (not censored, to be fair) on a blog. Censured, as in taken to task. He thinks he's pretty fucking close to being tossed completely. This happened over on a right-wing blog last year. Some stupid fucking Wall Street dumbass site Kelso thought would be fun because the proprietors were New York Mets fans. They were indeed Mets fans but they were also Bridge and Tunnel Catholic prudes who wouldn't tolerate Anglo-Saxon oaths or frank talk about sex or drugs or even politics. Even if you agreed. It was sort of a Giuliani/Limbaugh lovefest place for Bridge and Tunnel jocks who get no play and would like to make money selling bullshit equities over the phone to dentists, but don't seem to be making enough to keep up with the prices of shit over in Yuppieville in the East 3os. Enough of that. That was last year's story. And, ultimately, what did Kelso expect? He was at once too left-wing AND too much of a capitalist for those tools, so the Mets thing did not provide enough glue. They threatened Kelso, who in turn called a Ukrainian guy, but thankfully it all ended peacefully.

This business was a whole lot worse because it was/is a left-wing blog, and you win a prize if you can find a single sports fan there, let alone a New York Mets fan. This blog, however (HEH-HEH, Smithers), is Kelso's Nuts, and Kelso gets to say whatever the fuck he wants, however he wants to say it. So get ready, Kumbaya singers, because Kelso's about to drop more shit than a pidgeon.

Some perfectly nice contributor mentions that he or she finds wordpress easier to use than Blogger. As Kelso is not one for graphics or links, he's fine with Blogger but that's not the point. The point is some dildo responds by saying something to the effect of "We want revolution...and isn't brand loyalty cute?" Or some such shit. Well, as Kelso's great uncles had gone back to Russian after the Revolution to see if it was any good, decided no, and came back before Stalin, and Kelso, Sr., had a long history of involvement in the movement, but abandoned it for the Navy and college and Kelso himself learned his trade from a couple of the remaining true believers, "revolution" is no joke to Kelso. He and Mom, Dad and Sister have spent no end of hours discussing it. And the Kelso family seems to agree on it. "Revolution" means the violent replacement of one class by another further down the pecking order: "smashing the state," if you will. No mystery there. To join up to smash the state, however, requires a tremendous degree of sang-froid from all participants. You can't just say you want revolution and that's the end of it. You have to HATE the ruling class to such a degree and have enough sadism in you that you are able to kill a child or a cop and not give it a second's thought. Sorry, earnest lefties, that's how it is. You don't get revolution by buying Patagonia clothing. Or skin products from The Body Shoppe. You think Robespierre or Lenin gave a fuck about this child or that cop. Hell no, they didn't.

The family Kelso, however, does. WE ARE PACIFISTS. Kelso's a peace-lover full stop, not a sadist. Kelso, however, knows another true believer, a real hothead who did a lot of state time in the Deep South. He thinks Chomsky's too soft, etc. Kelso once asked him if he could kill a cop or a child in cold blood. The guy said "hell, no." That was Kelso's first crime on that liberal blog. "Revolution" doesn't mean what Marx, Engels, Lenin, Buechner, Stalin, Mao, Ukrike, and every historian in the world thought or thinks it meant over in liberal blog land. It doesn't really mean violence. In liberal blog land, "Revolution" is a metaphor for changing the existing paradigm, you see. Huh? Well, no, not really. "Changing the existing paradigm" is "changing the existing paradigm." Revolution is civil war. It's killing as many of the enemy as you can without fear or pity. So, fucking liberals, please say what you mean and mean what you say. If you want to participate in a revolution, go ahead, but you are going to have to kill and maim and you're probably going to have to die in the process as well. Not likely to happen as it's hard to get a liberal to even watch a prizefight. But somehow Kelso was wrong for putting the issue into stark relief whereas the dildo advocating revolution and flaming someone nice in the process was just using some metaphor for paradigm whatever. Fuck you. You're a douchebag. Kelso doesn't want to see children and cops killed and he certainly doesn't want to do it. Kelso happens to like Kucinich's idea of a Department Of Peace.

But the bill of indictments over there against Kelso had hardly begun. Apparently, using forensic debate and rhortical flourishes or "semantics" as they call it is like how in the Federal Sentencing Guidelines having used "sophisticated means" is an augmenting factor. In other words, over there, using one's mind and one's skills to debate a point is a bad thing, because -- heaven forbid -- you might win the argument. And we can't have winners and losers, can we? Everybody just has to hold hands in a circle and be equal and sing "Kumbayaaaa....I love Barack Obama...Kumbayaaa...I love Barack Obama...." Well, here's a news flash: Barack Obama's rich and most of those liberal bloggers drive second-hand Hondas. So, there are winners and losers after all, si o no?

And the bill of indictments went on because, you see, Kelso also took the turd to task on trashing the other commenter about brand-loyalty, as if that were a bad thing. So, Kelso mentioned some of the brands he liked: Swiss Miss, Barbasol, Gillette, Kikkoman...whatever. Another augmenting factor to Kelso's sentence. Apparently, they'd settled this issue already at that blog and the verdict was that the brand-loyalists were capitalist toadies or something.

Finally, Kelso was admonished to take a testosterone reducing agent and "play nice." First of all, Kelso's blog is called Kelso's Nuts, not Kelso's lack of nuts! Second of all, the douchebag who started the fucking thing wasn't "playing nice" with the other commenter. He was trashing her. And advocating revolution knowing that the blog mommy would stop the mean man from saying those awful things. And third of three, Kelso's a leftist and a pacifist. He'll always be a leftist and a pacifist. But when he reads shit like that it makes him want to blast Rush Limbaugh at full volume and scream "ditto" at the top of his lungs.

As we posted in our apologia over there, it's nice to live in a country with national health, where testosterone and progesterone are good things, and revolution and assassination aren't and where the USA liberal blogosphere would actually fit somewhere in the center of the right-wing opposition party.

Well, this is the problem one encounters as an urban 45-year old man farting around in a universe of children. The funny thing about it all, other than the knee-jerk silliness, is that the one thing Kelso thought he might get busted for, repeating fondly something Robert Bork said at his losing (thanks, Howell Heflin) confirmation ("Show me a man under 40 who's not a socialist and I'll show you a man with no heart. Show me a man over 40 who is a socialist and I'll show you a man with no head.") wasn't mentioned by the liberal blog federales.

Ahhh...the penny just dropped. The reason that blog has all these infernal rules and has to keep vigorous debate and any hint of masculinity out of it is that it's a for-profit blog. Ah, ha. So, of course, revolution must only mean paradigm whatever, because to discuss what revolution really is might offend delicate sensibilties of the thousands of readers over there. Well, fuck that shit. This is a not-for-profit site. So, we can say anything we damned well please. And we only get a few regular commenters. But all of them are stone cold rad. And that's the way we like it. Kelso's got some shit going in the Nottingham Tennis, the Euro golf and the PGA, so that may bear fruit. And provided Kelso gets a nap, he'll go over to the bank, take out a bar mitzvah wallet and play some 25-50 NL Omaha tonight. Blog for show, gamble for dough.

AnitaXanaxNow, come back. We need you more than ever.

Kelso's Nuts love you.