FUCK YOU VERY MUCH, GONZALES
You fucking beaner piece of shit. Eres hijo de la chingada. Me cago en tu madre en el infierno, maldito hueco. Que verga hiciste de la sistema de justicia en los Estados Unidos de Verguenza. Que leche. Fucking bible college girls prosecuting VICE cases instead of crimes? Instead of protecting your cunt-ry. You know you and those bible school fake-ass lawyer cunts are all going to rot in hell for this. You broke up Kelso's life you miserable prick, but you didn't get the best of him. He got the best of you. He left your sack of shit country. He's happy where he is and you'll never see him again.
Oh sure, somebody even more evil than you will just get whisked through the Senate with the full support of the Democrats. Maybe it will be one of the bible girls. What do you reckon? How's she going to answer that cunt Kyl's question about how she plans to implement the UIGEA in the "war on terror?" It is a very valuable tool, you know. You told Kelso yourself on the TV. So did Robert "Elliott Ness" Mueller. You called Kelso a traitor. Whom did Kelso hurt with an Excel spreadsheet and some calculus? But who's the fucking traitor you fucking leaf-blowing cunt?
You really did authorize the most hideous forms of torture of Muslims, didn't you? That really fucking happened. It seems like some kind of weird dream to Uncle Kelso. Gonzales, you really are the demon spawn. Kelso doesn't believe in your bullshit god but you do. And you know you did real, real bad. And you're going to pay for it for eternity. Extreme Unction? That's a laugh. There's no getting out from under what evil you've done you sick fuck.
The pardon papers have been drawn up already to be sure. Big deal. It means sweet fuck-all to Kelso whether you do time or not. You know where you're going to do your time because somewhere deep down someone even as evil as you are believes and has a sense of right and wrong. You are not a psychopath. You are merely a sadist and a weakling. There will be plenty of liberal bloggers making stupid prison rape jokes about you. There will be invective to spare. But now that Kelso has vented, all he feels is indifference because he no longer hates you. He now pities you. Every day for the rest of your life you'll be thinking about what eternity will be like. And you're going to be scared. Even when you're on the lecture circuit. Even when you're on the boards of various corporations. Even when you've got a think-tank posting or a partnership in some Texas law firm. No amount of money or luxury takes the fear of the abyss away. Kelso knows that well enough. Enjoy.
As for 9/11, yawn. As for the United States Of Embarassment, yawn. It's no longer Kelso's problem.
And now, Senators Schumer and Leahy, it's your turn. Find some way to get rid of these bible college cunt Assistant U.S. Attorneys and make them put some professionals in there. Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Hastings, Columbia, NYU, Georgetown. That's where you'll find the good ones. You don't get U.S. Attorneys from Bible Cunt University of The Deep South. Not if you have any pride. Or don't listen to Kelso at all. Who gives a rat's ass? Look "tough on terror" by getting some more bible college cunts in there. Kelso has other fish to fry. Life outside the USA is really, really fun, by the way.
Karl Rove was worthy of understanding because for all his misdeeds, he's bright and had some good lessons to teach. Gonzales, you're just a dumb fucking sadistic, cowardly beaner, you're hardly worth the words. But it like rules to write them, anyway.
Kelso wanted to post a video of COP SHOOT COP's "The Coldest Day Of The Year" to celebrate the departure of this useless piece of crap but can't seem to find one on youtube. FAIRLANE, if you're out there, help!
Well, at any rate, FAIRLANE's kick-ass vaina has inspired an inspired idea in Kelso. We may not have that COP SHOOT COP video for a while, but maybe a nice little chucharrita del angelito is in order, si o no? CIERTO, PUE'. Go tell Bill Bennett; he's like the drug czar or some shit, yeah?
OK, OK. Time to get serious. There are rumblings that Gonzales will be replaced by Chertoff or Hatch. I see something terrible coming here. Nobody's going to mistake Orrin Hatch for Ramsey Clark, RFK or Janet Reno but there's nothing dishonest about him and he's been a principled public servant and seems like someone who would take the job seriously and would clean up a lot of Gonzales's droppings. He'd get confirmed 98-0. But we all know that's not what's going to happen, don't we? Bush is going to ram Chertoff down the Democrats' throats and make them like it. "What, Senator Feingold? You won't confirm our Director of Fatherland Security? You must be hiding Osama bin Laden in your basement. Why do you hate America?" And why would Bush do this? Because he can. I'm trying to sort out the "nays" on Chertoff. Clinton, Obama, Dodd and possibly Biden. Lsutenberg and Menendez. Kennedy and Kerry. Sanders and Leahy. Reed and Whitehouse. Cardin and Mikulski. Webb. Byrd and Rockefeller. Brown. Levin and Stabenow. Kohl and Feingold. Durbin. Harkin. Tester and Baucus. Binghamin. Boxer. Wyden. Cantwell and Murray. Akaka. McCaskill. Klobuchar. A funny voice in Kelso's head is telling him Schumer and Feinstein vote "aye" along with Lieberman and the Blue-Dogs and Inouye still on his WWII trip. On the Republican side, Sununu, Warner, Hagel, and Smith. Johnson will be absent. So, a solid 61-38 approval of perhaps a worst sadist than Gonzales was. And Kelso has a frightening thought that Chertoff might be Jewish. He's certainly got a Russian name that isn't Ivan Ivanov. In fact, "chertov" means son of the devil. Urgh.
Kelso's Nuts love you
21 comments:
Gee Kelso, couldn't you spice this bland post up a little? :-D
I think Gonzo will always be remembered as the disgraceful AG that tried to destroy our Justice Department and our Constitution. He's not only a disgrace to his Mexican heritage, he's a disgrace to the country. The Republicans can put all the sugar they want on this pile of shit, but it won't change a thing..it's still a pile of shit.
You know me, MaryEllen. I'm kind of "beyond partisanship." I like to be fair. And if one isn't fair to such a fine public servant as Gonzales was and should still be, than to whom should one be fair?
according to wikipedia, chertoff is jewish. he was born to:
Rabbi Gershon Baruch Chertoff, the former leader of the B'nai Israel Congregation in Elizabeth [new jersey], and El Al flight attendant Livia Chertoff (née Eisen). His paternal grandfather, Rabbi Paul Chertoff, emigrated from Russia. His grandfather was a noted Talmudic scholar.
Wikipedia also says he is:
the subject of high-profile speculation as a possible successor to U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales after Gonzales resigned his post in the wake of the dismissal of U.S. attorneys controversy ...
is wiki fast, or what????
You know you had me at "chingada". Let me go back and read the post when I am done laughing at the tirade en Espanol!
This from Shaun's post at Kiko's House...
Michael Chertoff is said to be the leading choice as a successor. What better way to honor his service as the sycophantic Homeland Security czar on the second anniversary of Hurricane Katrina? And if Chertoff is the prez's pick, doesn't it just speak volumes that there seem to be so few people who qualify as Cabinet-level department heads under the president's special standards that he seems to keep picking the same people from the same small pool?
He says it much better than I could.
My, you seem upset. Whatever could be the problem?
Great post!
Cliff:
I really haven't the foggiest idea. I guess I'm just one of those weird people who don't particularly like being called an Al-Qaida sympathizer because of a few wagers on some sporting events.
Not after all the taxes he's paid and the service his father gave to the US Navy.
Thanks -- I guess -- for the update, Anita. Come back, Alberto. All is forgiven!
They must be jumping for joy over in RightWingWorld, si o no?
It would behoove them, however, not to ask for whom the bell tolls....
...or as Ice Cube famously put it "They Killed JFK in 63/What the fuck you think they'll do to me?"...or if Jack Abrahamoff and Duke Cunningham can go up, would it be so tough to send some doofus jocks up for a little visit to stoney lonesome with no access to any attorney and no formal charges?
Kelso can disappear. Doofus jocks? Not so much.
"You know you had me at 'chingada'"
Jeezie-Peezie. THAT IS MY NOMINATION FOR BLOGOSPHERE COMMENT OF THE WEEK AND IT'S ONLY MONDAY.
That line is worthy of a CafePress T-shirt to be sure. You could sell 1000 of them!
Gosh I feel left out. I don't speak Spanish, I only know a little Pig Latin, and a few words of Hillbilly.
"Yee" and "Haw." Oh, and "banjo."
No luck finding Cop Shoots Cops. Sorry.
I was thinking they should appoint Malkin AG. She loves Internment camps, and racial profiling.
Did you know she's white? Well, she isn't.
just trying to be helpful kelso. no need to be snotty with me.
my good friend kelso. right.
No reason to feel left out, FAIRLANE. I'll put you in the game.
The phrase "hijo de la chingada" just means "bastard," literally. The word "chingada" in Equatorial Spanish doesn't have an exact English equivalent. I guess the closest word would be the noun "sport-fuck," the infinitive "chingar," meaning "to sport-fuck." In Neoyorqino "chingar" is plain old "to fuck." In Equatorial Spanish "culear" means "to fuck" and it's derived from the word you probably know, "culo," which means "ass" or "piece of ass." In Castellano, "follar" means "to fuck" but there is an interjection "joder" which is like the English interjection "fuck" which just takes the place of a pause or the word "like" in English.
FranIam's riff on JERRY MAGUIRE was so funny because in any version of Spanish "chingada" is a pretty salty word and that Renee Zellweger line in the movie is about as candy-floss and antithetical to "chingada" as could be.
We cover the waterfront here. Linguistics, poltiics, sports, movies, drugs, music...
And a last linguistic point to be made. I find it very amusing that there are Americans here sent by their companies who steadfastly refuse to learn Spanish yet are insistent that English be the OFFICIAL LANGUAGE of the USA. As a bi-lingual man, that makes me fucking sick.
Anita: I meant what i said. Thanks for the unfortunate update. Yet another sonofabitch for DistributorCap and me to toss off the reservation.
As for the other thing, today is my day to be angry and political. Exile has its charms but the whole goddamned situation was offensive and inconvenient and costly financially and emotionally. I was a lot gentler on RightWingWorld than I could have been. In fact, were you to actually pass that bit about the bells tolling, it wouldn't be such bad advice.
I had a gut feeling it would be Chertoff. ;-)
You see when I posted the Chertoff prediction 9:52 AM! Unfortunately, there wasn't enough time for anyone offshore to make a market. I would have gone long Chertoff for my lungs. Such an obvious Bushian move. Push. Push. Push. Again, there's a lesson for Democrats in this. Instead of going with the consensus choice -- Hatch -- which would have made everybody breathe a little easier, he stuck in the knife, which is obviously the overarching strategy but also correct tactically.
And this is why I get so sick when I hear Obama and sometimes Edwards talking about finding a "new approach beyond partisanship." Bush is a bastard but he's a tough bastard. When are these pink-tutu Democrats going to learn. As far as I can tell, the only big time Dems with some fight in them are: Feingold, Kucinich, Sanders, Waxman and -- yes, much as it pains me to admit it because I disagree with her on so much -- Clinton.
Hey Kelso, I have many questions, but will narrow it down to four for now:
1. To what "spreadsheet" does this refer?
"Whom did Kelso hurt with an Excel spreadsheet and some calculus?"
2. Como se dice "Que leche" en Ingles?
3. Do you have any family still living in ESA?
4. Do you have ulcers yet?
Z:
1) PASS ON ADVICE OF COUNSEL
2) EXACT TRANSLATION IS "WHAT MILK (meaning "come", meaning semen)!" BUT THE SENSE OF IT IS MORE LIKE EITHER "SUCKOUT" LIKE IN POKER WHEN YOU LOSE ON THE LAST CARD OR GETTING A LOAD IN THE FACE AS IN "WHAT A DISASTER!"
3) MOM, DAD, COUSINS IN GEORGIA (SISTER IS ALSO EXPAT)
4) NO. I'LL CHEW ONE TUMS IF I EAT SPICY FOOD ON AN EMPTY STOMACH AND THAT WORKS FINE. GIVING UP COPIOUS ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION PRETTY MUCH ENDED ALL MY GASTRIC PROBLEMS.
What did I miss by not coming back here yesterday? Carrajo!
Let's get that Cafe Press thing going, muy pronto, like mach schnell.
Span-yid-lish. The true official fucking language of Kelso's Nuts.
Gracias! Ahora, como se dice "Que leche" en Yiddish?
Muy pronto! Mach schnell!
"there seem to be so few people who qualify as Cabinet-level department heads under the president's special standards that he seems to keep picking the same people from the same small pool?"
Franiam, I would like to amend this. It should be: from the same small CESSPOOL!
FAIRLANE, I've made this joke about Michelle Malkin about 1000x before in blogland but I can't resist making it again.
Michelle Malkin? What the fuck? The BODY-SNATCHERS are here. They replaced some nice Russian-Jewish American Princess with some evil demon named HU FLUNG DUNG!
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