THIS IS SO DEPRESSING IT'S NOT EVEN DEPRESSING, LIKE, SAY...

...some horror story of a child's death half a world away.

Your Uncle Kelso has endeavored to post a youtube of the Johnny Thunders cover of EVE OF DESTRUCTION as opposed to the original because Kelso's fucking sick and tired of this 60s protest model. Strength, licentiousness and just plain old not-giving-a-fuck is what we need now, not tie-dye and patchouli and clever anti-Bush puns. Maybe a little more Johnny Thunders and a little less Woodstock is required. At least, Johnny lived it strong all the way. RIP.

Looks like it's all good to go -- even posted the version with a little non-political Johnny as a bonus -- and if Kelso has any created any new Johnny Thunders fans, they are advised to go here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-9BfYVMMPU

So, what's all this Chicken Little stuff about? It's about all this palaver involving taking a run at Iran. The Bush Administration has been authorized by the Democratic Congress to do whatever he likes with regard to Iran. The same media lies about Iraq are coming out again about Iran. Man, this mainstream media is fucking bloodthirsty. Not about Michael Vick killings dogs, of course, as loathsome as that is, but these useless bobbleheads are doing it again. "US" against "them." Doubtless, they've got the logos already designed. Kelso would like to say "forgive them Lord, they know not what they've done," but he can't forgive. Anybody. But this time, it hardly matters because Iran is not Iraq.

Iran is an industrialized nation of 65 million. It's GDP in 2006 was over $600 billion. It's populace are FUCKING PERSIANS. As in WAY SMARTER THAN AMERICANS. It has close to 140 billion barrels of crude reserves. And over 1 million highly trained military personnel at the ready. This latter tidbit courtesy of the now hated General John Abizaid. Sure, there are a few US Navy gunships in the Straits of Hormuz. But would someone please tell Kelso how Dick Cheney intends to win a war against Iran when the U.S. armed forces have their hands full in Iraq and Afghanistan at levels of around 200,000. Where exactly is the personnel and ordnance coming from? If any neo-con harbors the fantasy that Israel is going to do this as some kind of favor to Pat Robertson and CUFI, they better get off that fantasy pretty quick or be ready to bet Kelso everything they own that Israel, with an election coming up and Labor a likely winner, wants any piece of this. AIPAC might. CUFI might. Holy Joe Lieberman might. Israel doesn't. So, give that shit up right now.

At any rate, does anyone remember what happened when Ohmert first mentioned doing something like attacking Iran? The Chinese premier had his sorry ass on the carpet the next day and told him to sit down and shut the fuck up.

Now, then. How does the great USA plan to "win" a war against Iran. There's only one way Kelso can see: FULL-ON NUCLEAR STRIKE. THIS to salvage that pathetic cretin's legacy. OK, fine, go ahead. Do it. See what happens. Attention Mainstream Media, please lead the charge for this, please. Is it possible for that useless slave Colin Powell to be dragged back to the UN with his talcum powder vial to sell the case yet again? Probably so, as he's now Barack Obama's unofficial foreign-policy advisor and if we know one thing about Obama -- other than that he's a gutless pile of manure -- he's a bit of a rapturist and is quite close with Lieberman, James Dobson and Rick Warren. Of course, he'll lend Powell back to Bush for Talcum Powder redux.

So, once the estimable, honorable, sensible Powell does his routine again and the first nuke hits Teheran, does every neo-con and mainstream journalist think that "we" get out the bunting and celebrate? God, Kelso hopes so, because they are in for the surprise of their lives. Again, Iran is not Iraq which is just some G.I. Joe shit Cheney and Blair dreamed up and look at the damage. With Russia, China, the EU, Saudi Arabia and -- yes -- Israel doing fairly well economically, thank you, does anyone really believe none of these "friends" will retaliate against the United States with extreme prejudice for fucking things up for no good reason?

People better wake up to the fact that China, the EU, Israel and Russia will rain the bad shit on the USA at the drop of a hat. And that's it. No second chance for the species. We all go up in smoke. Kelso understands that BushCo is greedy. He understands they are a little touched when it comes to the whole religious shit. But are they really that crazy? Kelso doesn't know. As in really doesn't know. The probability of global nuclear war initiated by a US strike on Iran is surely less than a toss-up but probably greater than 5%. Well, 5% ain't much. How would you like to be told you have a 5% chance of going to prison for life? You're still a big long-shot, but how well would you sleep?

Kelso's lived every day of 46 years and doesn't have too many regrets but what about his son? What about everyone's sons and daughters? What about all the 46 year olds who have regrets?

There's one Democrat running for President who's against this: Dennis Kucinich. There is one, maybe two, Republicans: Ron Paul and Mike Huckabee. If BushCo doesn't do it, they rest of them might. "Tactical" nuclear strikes on Iran are "not off the table" as we've been told by the "responsible candidates." Even, and especially, Clinton, although it's really hard to envision her, Edwards, Richardson or Dodd doing it. And Kelso would even vote for Clinton and cross his fingers. McCain, who would probably initiate this on day one, is, thanks Mother Earth, no longer a factor. Giuliani talks like a tough-guy with a lisp, but he seems to like his creature comforts too much to end it all right now. Romney, who knows? Probably, yes. Brownback, probably not. Hard to see where his Roman Catholicism squares with Armageddon. Obama'd do it for grins. Ditto Tancredo and Hunter. But this is pointless speculation. The new president has his or her own legacy to worry about, so outside of the really goofy ones: McCain, Tancredo, Hunter, Obama and Biden, it's good old Bush/Cheney we have to worry about.

The only consolation is that there isn't enough room in that underground bunker for Candy Crowley. And -- somehow -- even the most embedded, most supplicant ones like Brit Hume and Thomas Friedman are going to have to die along with the rest of us. No matter what they're telling you -- including el lechugo hueco de Dalai Lama -- we're all headed the same place. October 2008 seems as good a time as whatever our natural lives are supposed to be, if that's what the accepted wisdom from the think-tanks say. Personally, Kelso would rather give Peace a chance or at least get a piece from chance.

Kelso's Nuts love you.