US REGIONAL MEN'S CELEBRITY DOUBLES SEMI-FINAL MATCH...
...MOUNTAIN WEST team of LARRY CRAIG/TED HAGGARD to meet GREAT LAKES team of DENNIS KUCINICH/EMINEM. Winner to play "friendly" final against ATLANTIC team of BARNEY FRANK/CARLOS DELGADO, but that's giving away the result. Sorry.
Let's see what we've got here. When put to the test how did each of the team members respond? Larry Craig? I'M NOT GAY. I DID NOTHING WRONG. And Kelso assumes that Craig will be ministered to in some re-orientation camp in some Nazi hideaway out there just like his doubles partner. Sorry, Larry, you are gay. Everybody knows that a lot of guys cruising guys goes on in public facilities. Kelso's friend, comedian Bobby Hanley (stage name: Robbie Haha) does a great routine about cruising NYU men's rooms which Kelso can't do justice to. It ends up with him getting out of the trouble Craig got into by telling the cop he was recruiting for the NYU Violets football team and the cop pumps his fist in the air and says "Go, Violets." NYU's teams are called the The Violets but they don't have a football program!
But, gee whiz, Larry, thank your lucky stars, man. Fuck. This is only a misdemenor because all it amounts to is public discourteousness. You dodged the real bullet some years back and are very lucky the statute of limitations protects you from prosecution for giving drugs and alcohol to male minors with the purposes of seduction of said minors. But, no, you're not gay. As for your doubles partner, he's not gay either. He bought the 'tina to help rid the world of drugs and was only ministering to that rent-boy. Thankfully, the re-orientation program was a success and Reverend Haggard is back in the bosom of his normal American family. You're next, Larry. No problem. Like Reverend Ted your career is fucked and the money flow has just stopped but don't worry about a thing. Your normal, values-based, heterosexual life will imprison you and the Reverend for the rest of your natural lives.
These guys fucked up bad. Doesn't either one know how heroic he'd seem by just realizing that he been busted, the old life was over, but a little honesty could bring a new life free of shame and probably with just as much remuneration? Had Haggard admitted to being gay and pledged to use his influence to harmonize relations between gay America and Funadamentalist Christian America he would be a hero. He'd have a big flock and all the free airtime he could want. He would have been a symbol of courage. Larry Craig, just by being dishonest you fucked yourself good, too. How could you not know that they were going to cut you loose once you got busted in June? How hard would it have been to spend six weeks or so planning YOUR new life? Getting ready for your Nixon-In-China moment? Both of you assholes have lost your Fundies and gay folks don't want you back neither.
Barney Frank is in the finals of this competition because he had the brains and the balls to do what neither of you could. Well, it's understandable. In keeping with the spirit of recent Kelso posts, it must be said that Barney Frank is a Jew after all. And all other things being equal, you always like the Jew over the Fundie on brains and balls.
On the other side of the net, we retell favorite stories of a couple of heroes. Dennis Kucinich, boy wonder Mayor of Cleveland at 28, a couple of years away from settling into the Junior Senate seat under the mentoring of Howard Metzenbaum, with the brightest political future of anyone in the Democratic Party in 1979, threw it all away on a matter of principle. All of it. He stared down the utility monopoly on price gouging during the oil crisis to protect his mostly poor and Black constituency from being robbed. The power company fought back hard and it cost Kucinich his career and the love and support of Cleveland's significant Slavic Democratic machine and all his friends and family. Last Kelso checked, he had rebuilt the career. And unless Kelso's mistaken, Representative Kucinich is running for President and still kicking ass, speaking the truth, and presenting himself as he is. Does he apologize for being a vegan? No. Does he apologize for his quasi-utopian goal of a Department of Peace? No. Does he apologize for introducing impeachment against these monsters in the White House? No. Was he ashamed of being lonely in a romantic sense in 2004? Hell, no. He laughed at himself and ended up happily married to a very bright woman.
[Late addition: a special gift to readers from Uncle Kelso. This really belongs on Forego's Nuts, but Kelso's having a devil of a time getting that blog going. A bar-bet with a friend you can't lose. Propose this wager. Who'll last longer in the quest for the Democratic Nomination for president, Barack Obama or Dennis Kucinich? Take Kucinich and ask for odds, maybe 5-1. Your friend will laugh at you. You'll probably be offered better odds than that. Be willing, however, to settle for any odds-against because you are a favorite to win. Here's why. Clinton is a huge favorite to win the nomination. Obama has a mainstream career. He more or less has to drop out and urge his delegates to vote for Clinton. Kucinich doesn't owe anybody anything. If he gets 1 delegate he's going all the way. The key for him is that he needs to cross the 5% threshold in at least one proportional state. He's very likely to get there. He could get 7% or better in Maine.]
As for his doubles partner, Mr. Marshall Mathers, well...all we can say here is he's the Walt Whitman of his generation but we're all too caught up in celebrity weirdness to realize it. He fucking rapped the body electric and got rich doing it. He figured out that if he presented himself as he was with massive neuroses in full bloom, he'd have a whole market segment to himself and could start stacking up more money than he could count. Why? Because he knew the game well enough to realize that if he pulled it off nobody would dare bite his style because the rest of this sorry bunch that failed to take Chuck D and Ice Cube's legacy forward were really chickenshit cowards brown skin notwithstanding. Did he give a rat's ass about Black or White or that he might seem weak if he expressed his feelings and failings? Walt Whitman didn't. Neither did Marshall Mathers. Eminem pulled it off beyond his own expectations and just as the money started rolling in, 9/11 happened and unless Kelso's got it wrong, Enimem was the first big-time Bush skeptic in entertainment. Yep, he beat Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon, Sean Penn and Michael Moore to the punch and he had more money to lose than the four put together while having a less-established and thus far riskier career path. Then he fucked up and got into a stupid spat with Elton John and said something indelicate about Elton John's sexual orietation. Did Eminem's publicist issue a bland blanket statement that he was not a homophobe? Probably. But he beat his own publicity team to the punch, admitting he had been stupid, apologizing and entering into a great friendship with Elton John which Eminem ironically calls their mutual "career Russian Roulette." That's how it's done Reverend Ted and Senator Larry. That's how it's done.
Everybody knows Barney Frank's story but how many people other than baseball fanatics know Carlos Delgado's story? He was the celebrity face protesting U.S. weapons testing in Vieques, Puerto Rico long before anyone knew or cared. He got up in George Pataki's face about it when Pataki had power and looked like he might be President someday. Carlos Delgado was the first professional athlete to oppose the Iraq war and the ONLY one to refuse to stand for the National Anthem and the recently-introduced "God Bless America" during the 7th-inning stretch. It has been said that on the New York Mets Delgado has been responsible for undoing the Republican registration drive and 9/11 flag waving Al Leiter had done in support of George W. Bush to the point that today's New York Mets have the highest concentration of registered Democrats in Major League Baseball. In the 1970s, we had these kinds of heroes in sports like Ali, Tommy Smith and John Carlos, Curt Flood and Roberto Clemente. Even uber-conservative superstar Mets pitcher Tom Seaver used his pulpit to oppose the Vietnam War. Carlos Delgado walks a lonely road.
Kelso's Nuts love you
15 comments:
Totally boffo post, KOB! (King of Bloggers)
I have no problem with Craig being gay or not gay. Sexual orientation, in my opinion, should be a personal, not public, matter. But I am annoyed at him for engaging in such STUPID behavior in a public place! And if he tried to screw around with underage male pages, I am just as annoyed with him as I would be if they had been underage FEMALE pages. The operative word is UNDERAGE! I am also repulsed by the idea of an old fart like him trying to score points by flashing his Senate membership. Geez, is it so awfully difficult to find someone you actually are acquainted with to have sex, as opposed to picking up strangers in rest rooms? I never had such problems...
If there was merit in the claim of years ago, it should have been investigated as a criminal matter and taken care of that way. If found guilty, he should have served an appropriate sentence, most probably a custodial one.
I have enough gay friends and have lived in enough cities to know that public bathroom cruising is a part of the scene. See the movie TAXI ZUM KLO sometime. It's not something every gay guy is into and I agree it's kind of goofy and pretty reckless for a public figure to do. As I straight man who can take care of himself, it's a minor annoyance. Not every guy gay or straight laughs it off like I do. That's why it's a misdemeanor and carries a small penalty.
That it netted Craig shows that sometimes "society" gets it right!
His Nixon-in-China moment. Kelso you crack my me up!
Seriously, I could give a rat's ass if he is gay or not. Any of them.
It is the judgmental bullshit hypocrisy that drives me up the wall.
And the misuse of power, but I am just sayin.
Kucinich. It rolls off my tongue. I have avoided committing myself for so long.
Now I wonder why?
P.S. you are mad right on that Marshall Mathers matter. Mad right.
Do your blog friend Kelso a favor and vote for Kucinich in your primary. Kelso's not a resident and can't vote in a primary. It's important for two reasons: he needs a delegate to go to Denver to speak and there's a chance he can put a payback on Voinovich and win the Junior Ohio Senate seat he should have won in the 80s if he keeps it going.
I'm glad you agree with me about Eminem. Sometimes it's hard to see important things when they're in front of you and wrapped in a strange package. The lesson, I suppose, is to look for meaning where you can find it and trust your OWN instincts because the MSM has every reason to distract you enough to pull various sleights-of-hand.
Of course, it's the hypocrisy. But that's great because they're going to keep getting jammed up in these situations. Democrats like Frank, Tammy Baldwin and Keith Ellison (Muslim) can win and still be who they are.
"KING OF BLOGGERS" That's a good one!
Kelso's not a gnat on a dog's dick.
Christ, he doesn't even have a "Thinking Blogger" designation from the lefty Blogosphere because he's too offensive and crazy. And he wouldn't accept the designation if bestowed upon him because it violates every principle about blogging that Kelso likes. It introduces an element of elitism into a DIY culture.
If someone gave Kelso an "Unthinking Blogger" tag or a S.H.A.R.P. (skin-heads against racial prejudice) tag, he might put it up!
Kelso's going to let those hosannas be, but thanks anyway, Z.
sorry kelso, just one more hosannah for you ... can't help myself. ok, so here goes:
i think this is one of your best post's, evah!!
i think that panamanian air (or food, or whatever) has given you a new lease on blogging (or life, or whatever).
ok. enough of the props. now get back to work.
;)
Anita, I'll accept any praise from you anytime.
It's not the air which is pretty polluted. It's not the food which is just fair. I think it's the culture and the vibe.
Work? I have to take Kelso Jr over to Pacific Multiplaza for Burger King, toys and either "Surf's Up" or "The Simpsons" for the third time. Then over to my friend's son's kids-only internet cafe for video games.
Family values, Anita. Republican Nazis should try them sometime.
Damn dude, you're one of the few people who writes "long" posts that I actually enjoy reading.
Most people write the same old shit that 50 other people wrote about in the exact same way.
Carlos, Dennis, Marshall, Ted, Larry and Barney all in the same post.
Impressive.
That's a sign of abstract thinking,which is an indication of higher brain functioning.
Wow! I thought we were going extinct:)
Okay, you little fussbudget. How about KING KONG of Bloggers?
*I* like you *because* you're OC. (Offensive and Crazy) I'm OC too. It's genetic, and since you're my brother, neither of us had a chance to be otherwise.
kelso, one more thing. you seem to have gathered a bunch of seriously cool blogging friends here. i love it. i'm going to call it "kelso's psychedelic salon" ... KPS for short.
Thanks a lot FAIRLANE, means a lot coming from a true radical like yourself. We both ought to take a crack at a Hilly RIP, no?
Z: KING KONG works.
Anita: KPS works. It's also the initials of Kenneth P. Smith, thoroughbred trainer on Louisiana circuit as abbreviated on Ragozin's sheets, so it works double-plus good.
Yes, definitely one of your better posts.
Except you rag on NYU.
I actually wrote a post to nominate you when that whole Thinking Blogger thing went down which I had misgivings about but did not want to offend etc. then I thought you would be annoyed. So I changed it.
Good damn thing.
I got a bunch of cold shoulder shit this week because I said the award craze is just stupid, stupid like the tagging. I was cranky, is all.
Eminem! HS you're funny.
I did NOT rag on NYU. I never would. Kelso Senior is a graduate of that institution. One of Kelso's friends coached the Violets' men's baseball team. I was merely repeating a New York friend's comedy routine which was germane to the political issue of the day and had NYU as a backdrop.
I would have been honored by your nomination. Don't get me wrong. I'm just stubborn about these things, like something I remember from the wayback machine in American History: "If nominated I will not run. If elected I will not serve."
I don't blame anyone for being proud of their TB tag. This is my neurotic trip only. Wear yours with pride.
Anita:
As you well know, Kelso has no friends and no interests.
Been getting dropped from blogrolls like a bad habit.
My work begins in earnest in a week and I've got a lot of stuff here to deal with after my son leaves.
A brief or not-so-brief or permanent blogging holiday is in order.
Uncle Kelso just does not have the knack for this. Never did. There's a trick to it, to be sure, if I ever figure it out, I'll let you know. But to be so caught up in things 5000 miles away over the telegraph wire is just a bit silly.
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