"Gospel Tapes"..."Kool-Aid" And Cowards...And A Very Slim Chance Of Mainstream Heroes...

It was a fiercely cold and windy December Saturday in 1985 and my girlfriend (who would become my first wife) and I went for lunch to a soul-food restaurant in the West Village called The Pink Tea Cup. We took our seats and a couple of well-meaning, earnest White NYU women took the table to our right. The waitress came over to take the lunch orders. Man, I was fucking hungry. I was so hungry I was going to order a half-chicken AND a plate of fried frog's legs. And lots of side dishes. I think I had drunk myself into oblivion the night before and had deposited the contents of my dinner by mouth into our toilet at some point after returning home.

I was ravenously hungry.

The problem was the earnest, White, NYU women had brought some mixed Gospel tapes they had made and were going through the titles of every song with the waitress who, of course, couldn't have cared less but didn't want to mess up her tip chances. To take a leaf from Fairlane's book, this was "liberal wing-nuttery" at its finest. Maybe this gospel-tapes business went on for ten minutes but in my state it felt like 10 hours. My ex-wife -- bless her heart -- said "listen to this bullshit; it's hilarious; it'll take your mind off your hunger." And I did. And she was right. It did. It really was an act of patronizing at the master-class level. These two women were the Karpov and Kasparov of patronizing horse-puckey. Henceforth, "gospel tapes" became short-hand between my first ex and me for that brand of knee-jerk liberal do-gooder bullshit.

She's living in Portsmouth, England, now but I know she's getting a great laugh out of this Obama campaign. "Gospel-tapes," indeed.

Have I mentioned how much I loathe gospel music? Have I mentioned that I would rather listen to a continuous loop of the Ray Coniff Strings Orchestra and Andre Kostelanetz doing "Moon River" for 24 hours than have to listen to the Harlem Boys' Choir for one hour? Have I mentioned just exactly how alienated as an atheist by (lack of) faith and a Jew by ancestry this Obama campaign has made me feel? I'm sure I have.

I don't suppose it's a real shock to anyone that two women would want to NOT be married to me. At least my first ex is as certifiable as I am (to quote Fairlane). We broke up amicably over nothing to do with our senses of humor or politics.

Now is not a bad time either to mention that I thought Ralph Nader made a whole lot of sense on the netcast of yesterday's Meet The Press.

I'm still waiting to be called a "racist," though. No one has tried yet. Maybe it's because we found a way to get some money to McKinney in her unfortunate lost primary to Majette. Maybe it's because if Barbara Lee (D-Oak), the first Congressperson to say "hell, no" after 9/11 needs money and won't mind a check or a bank wire from Panama, she'll get it from me.

But I'm waiting. Any takers? If so, let's do this thing!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

The above, however, is just funning around. This shit is serious:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/terrorist_surveillance

At the next debate, I want both candidates asked exactly where they stand on this. And believe me if Obama gives a straight answer of "ABSOLUTELY AGAINST" and Clinton waffles, I will drop her like a hot potato and support Obama all the way. And I will not be nice about it. Not in the slightest. "B" is not out of the question. Sorry. Go cry to Gloria Steinem.

If the opposite obtains, and she answers "ABSOLUTELY AGAINST" and he waffles, expect vulgarity-plus from this corner. We'll start with the Sicilian word for berejena and take it from there. Boo-hoo. Go cry to Cornel West.

If they both answer "ABSOLUTELY AGAINST," I'm becoming agnostic in the race and will hope that these two candidates put aside their differences and form a ticket. A fucking quinella. I don't care who's the top and who's the reverse. I'll be unsparing in my praise of both.

If the question is not asked or if it is asked and both waffle, I'm trashing both of them and writing the nicest things I can think of about Cynthia McKinney, Ralph Nader and Ron Paul, too. And if that means I'm "helping" McCain, so fucking be it. I'm not voting again in a U.S. election, anyway. Big fucking deal.

If I were a betting man, which everyone knows I'm not because gambling is evil, I'd have to make the latter scenarios pretty likely. Dealing it to 122% over-round, I'd make the odds:

• NOT ASKED: 6/5
• BOTH WAFFLE 7/5
• CLINTON "NO", OBAMA "YES" OR WAFFLE 7/2
• OBAMA "NO," CLINTON "YES" OR WAFFLE 7/1
  

I am serious as an ulcer. Because this bullshit means that the "enemy" is ME and the "targets" are my fucking phone calls to my son to see how Little League went and to my parents to see how my Mom's asthma is.

By the way, the first person to comment with some variant of "if you're not doing anything wrong you have nothing to be afraid of"...well, let's just say I promise I will make that person cry real tears using only my words. Take it to the bank.

Nice fucking country you have. 300,000,000 hijosputa. And a goddamned circus for an election.

AND FOR THE RECORD I AM SO OVER 9/11! Take your bathos elsewhere.

Kelso's Nuts love you