"THE AUDACITY OF DESPAIR"
Kelso's had a terrible weekend. Absolutely buried in work. Work 14 hours. Sleep 10 hours. Crazy with cabin fever. Just batshit loco. A response to a comment on a post here about Obama and a post Kelso made about this week's Senate votes has "inspired" Kelso on a new mission. To REPLACE Barack Obama. To inspire a KELSO GIRL blog.
Here's the link to that monstrosity: http://www.barelypolitical.com/obama-girl-blog/
And now a version of Kelso's first "exploratory" comment on the idea on BAC's site.
"But I must say it gladdened my heart to see Obama fuck up again. I have come to feel about Obama much as I do about Ann Coulter. They are both so repulsive in every respect they are fascinating to me.
From the moment he gave that awful speech at the 2004 convention I twigged to the fact that here was I guy I could really get into hating. He has yet to fail me. I can't decide which Obama moment is my favorite. Ducking the Terry Schiavo vote is right up there. This week's profile in courage was awesome. I think his abstinence tour with James Dobson and Rick Warren was his finest hour, especially as it followed right on his vulgar display of ego at Tom Harkin's barbecue. His tireless campaigning for Lieberman in Connecticut was wonderful. He'll be a never-ending source of amusement for me. EXCEPT...if he becomes a Republican he could actually be President some day and then he'd just be a slightly smarter J.C. Watts.
As a Democrat he's a SHOW, man. I have enjoyed every second of these debates watching Clinton just rip him to pieces. I'm waiting for that special moment when Kucinich lets loose on him. In a time of gutless Democrats Obama is THE GOLD STANDARD. Besides, the longer he stays a Democrat the more knock-on pleasure I can get from all of those silly liberals who are "inspired" by him.
I think they shouldn't waste their time being inspired by him. I think there should be a Kelso Girl blog. I'm almost exactly Obama's age. I am "white" but my complexion is not that much lighter than his. I grew up way poorer than he did. I have all the "immigrant" street cred a Kelso girl could possibly want. My "story" is way more inspiring. I'm no less educated. I speak more languages. I speak with just as nice a baritone voice. I think I'm as good looking as he is. And I don't smoke. The only problem is that he's a Right-Wing Christian Famous Guy and I'm a professional sports bettor living in self-imposed exile in Latin America."
If Obama is allowed to quote himself so's Kelso, dammit. Couple of small problems with the plan: Kelso's short. And he speaks with a New York accent. But that's kind of street-creddy, no?
On the other hand, Kelso's father -- though a left-winger to the last -- served in the US military. Kelso has never been disrespectful to any coach of any childhood sports team he was ever on. Kelso has never been disrespectful to anyone senior or junior to Kelso in his profession. As Kelso is an atheist, he has no religious inhibitions about sex which would, ipso facto, make Kelso a better lover than Obama is, no? Both of Kelso's ex-wives are more attractive, brighter and saner than Michelle Obama.
If there's a "jungle fever" element to any of this ObamaGirl stuff, then let it be said right here: Once you catch "shtetl fever" you NEVER go back.
And on the so-called "women's issues," Kelso absolutely demolishes Obama. Pro-Choice without exception and government paid. Absolutely opposed to Supreme Court ruling on intact-dilation-and-extraction. Single-payer health, of course. Full range of contraceptive choices available over the counter. Pay equity, of course. Equal access to professions. Return of AFDC. No WORKFARE. Yes, to mandatory sex ed in schools. No to "intelligent design." Absolute separation of church and state meaning it does mean freedom from religion as well as freedom of religion. End the wars tomorrow. Subsidize the study of OB-GYN to end the de facto outlawing of abortion in rural America. That's just a small piece of the platform.
Unlike Obama's avoidance of the Jena6 protest, Kelso will be at the vanguard of such things including but not limited to Palestinian statehood.
Pick any issue, basically, and Kelso's to Obama's far left on it.
The platform is irrelevant, however, because if nominated Kelso will not run. If elected Kelso will not serve. And if it is launched, Kelso will not exploit the KelsoGirl blog for sex. That's a promise carved in stone. Should Kelso not be a resident of the USA when Lieberman's next election comes up, Kelso will still give generously to Lieberman's Democratic opponent.
Wait. This gets better. Kelso knows far more about economics and finance than Obama does. And has written the same number of books: 0! You'll have to got to the Chicago Tribune archives to find out about Obama's first "book" and is there anyone who believes The Audacity Of Hope wasn't ghostwritten? Kelso has read at least 500 more books than Obama has. Sure, Obama has a law degree but a trained-rat can read federal and state statutes online and all of the cases as well. Kelso's MBA'll stand up. And now, bring out the violins....KELSO IS A MENENGITIS SURVIVOR! But still has all his parts in fully functional order.
Expect Kelso's forthcoming manifesto The Audacity Of Despair in your better bookstores and Amazon.com shortly. And expect to see Kelso-mania take shape on Oprah.
What fun.
Kelso's Nuts love you FINEST ANARCHIST HERPETOLOGIST EVER PRODUCED BY DIXIE...Un verdadero amigo cuando lo necesitaba mas que nunca, un hermano pa' siempre -- una promesa: te hare todo que puedo. Un abrazo de aca a dondequier estas. Quedate fuerte porque todavia tenemos que limpiar a todos de socios en juego de espadas, pue'...Nothing but Gennaro T, Tom Waits, and The Pogues until I know...pull teeth and get through this
12 comments:
"Pro-Choice without exception and government paid. Absolutely opposed to Supreme Court ruling on intact-dilation-and-extraction. Single-payer health, of course. Full range of contraceptive choices available over the counter. Pay equity, of course. Equal access to professions. Return of AFDC. No WORKFARE. Yes, to mandatory sex ed in schools. No to "intelligent design." Absolute separation of church and state meaning it does mean freedom from religion as well as freedom of religion. End the wars tomorrow. Subsidize the study of OB-GYN to end the de facto outlawing of abortion in rural America. That's just a small piece of the platform."
Kelso, your platform (at least this "small piece") is identical to MY platform! It is PERFECT!
Yer giving me serious shtetl fever. I've got man boobs and long hair. If I shave my goatee can I sneak in as a Kelso girl?
Z: much appreciated
OT: keep the goatee...i already said the KelsoGirl blog will not be used to find sex partners, nor will it discriminate on the basis of gender
Kelso- I think, and I do not say this lightly, this may be your very best post ever.
Like EVER.
You nailed it.
FranIam
ps do not think all religiously inclined people have inhibitions about sex. just sayin'....
FranIam: Thank you so much for those kind words. Of course, I don't think all religiously inclined people have sex hang-ups. I'm glad you think I nailed it. I'm such an amateur at satire that I forced myself to follow rule #1 -- play satire straight. Everything I wrote is actually true, EXCEPT for the hyperbole about the religious hang-ups which is I guess why it stood out as kind of dumb.
About the postscript. After having written the post, I found out that a very close friend from back in the States had a world of problems, so while my sadness fit the title of the post, I felt like a bit of a heel doing satire while he's suffering. So, I wanted to send out a good vibe but I don't like to do bathos so I wrote it in Spanish so most people who check out my blog wouldn't bother with it.
Shtetl fever. Very, very nice.
Spanish was my minor. Best wishes to your friend.
SR: Thanks for kind thoughts, for appreciating a joke, and for putting up my tract on your site.
What you wrote about women's health and the pure barbarism of these monsters hit me very, very hard. It's been something that touched me on a lot of levels not the least of which is that I, too, experienced a life-changing event because of an after-thought in the legislative process. Funnily enough, I'm grateful in a way because I much prefer life outside the US and am in no hurry to return, but it was still a mind-fuck.
I like to make a good rant now and then when I feel it but I uncovered a lot of rocks there too. I will not have my heritage used in service of these beasts and to a large degree what I wrote is true. They are playing with fire here. In the rest of the world we Ikeys are not lovable cartoon characters.
Let's just put it this way. There are gorgeous, well-to-do neighborhoods in Cali and Medellin with lovely shuls and country clubs and all that kind of stuff that wouldn't be super welcoming to Joe Lieberman or George Bush no matter how much love of Israel they expressed.
But as they can't seem to figure out that 1+1=2 and don't want to, I hardly expect them to grasp some of the true subtleties of all of this. Not the least of which is that around these environs, there is no animosity at all between Jew and Muslim.
Keep bringing the heat.
That kelso girl has me thinking man. People would talk like mad here in the office.
Laughing.
But what I really want to get some info on is Taylor-Pavlik. The Ghost is a knockout machine but Jermain is brutal and has the chops to move up in class. The technique definitely goes to taylor though. Fight of the year? probably, it's September.
I'm going to enjoy the fight and not bet because I'm one of those "pussies" that can't relax and just watch when I've placed the wreath of vig at Our lady of the Book.
K
I'd like to be your Minister of Defense and Acerbic Sarcasm.
DT: I have a push from a very good source on Pavlik. I've already played at a net price of around +$1.16. +1.15 still available. There's something of a Polish Middle available as Pavlik is +2.48 for KO and Taylor is +2.95, but I'll know more about that side of things in a day or two. The total, 11" under -120 suggests a decision either way while the KO,TKO,DQ pricing suggests an early end either way. Odd.
As for the analysis, everything I've heard is the Ghost all the way on speed, power, and training and though you could read the math both ways, Taylor's current form is just so much worse even though for a career it's better.
Take it from someone who earns his living in this realm, exercising your right NOT to bet is one of the most important things to learn. It's called "having an iron ass" -- not "being a pussy". Enjoy.
I've already said that membership as a KelsoGirl is not dependent on gender nor sexual orientation and that Kelso himself has vowed not to use the KelsoGirl blog as a means of getting sex partners. My god, three days of abstinence in la Ciudad de Panama is stupid. A week is retarded! And that goes for same-sex fun as well.
FAIRLANE: Consider that position yours. And you, my friend, may use it freely in the pursuit of love practice.
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