IN A WORD -- YUCK

Watch the COP SHOOT COP video. The pictures and the song are very cathartic.

It's just loathesome having to carry the twin burdens of the Mets and the Democratic Party. The Democrats are predictably disappointing. You know exactly how they're going to let you down. Edwards was an easy call. First and second debates he spends apologizing to Obama for supporting the war in Iraq. That's the same as apologizing to Cheney for supporting the war in Iraq. Obama had just finished saying that he wanted to keep the troops there. If Edwards was now opposed to the war, he's supposed to call Obama out on that and ask him to PROVE that Obama had opposed the war in 2002. Then he completely fucks up the gay marriage question, dragging in God and his wife and Judas Escariot's sister Sue. He's supposed to say either what Hillary Clinton said (America's not ready yet. I support full benefit civil unions) or what Dennis Kucinich said (for it). So, it's no big surprise that he was bullshitting all along about his finances and his stance on the wars. But, at least as long as Barney Frank and Dennis Kucinich are going to call themselves "Democrats," Kelso will as well, even though now it's only relevant in Presidential elections. And we've made our feelings known on that one. Any Democrat except Obama. Possibly a Republican like Paul or Huckabee if he moves left or Thompson if he's not a complete freak. Or just pass. Obama belongs in the Republican party. He'd be great in there -- unstoppable. Better to keep him in and pissing out! But not as President.

The Mets on the other hand always come up with new and more creative ways to make your life miserable. Get into a Subway Series with Rudy Giuliani's Girls? Then watch Luis Sojo tee-off on Mike Hampton at his peak and watch helplessly as The Girls make short work of the Amazins. Nice. Game 7 of NLCS last year against a terrible Cardinal team, world series winner or not. Endy Chavez makes the best defensive play in a generation to keep it 1-0 Mets. Great job by Perez. Ball goes to Heilmann for set-up. He allows 2-run shot to Yadier Molina, the WORST HITTER IN THE LEAGUE. They load the bases with 1 out in the 9th against Wainright. Floyd and Reyes. Strikeout. Pop up. Tears. This year, however, was unique. They had everything -- flores, amores y sabores -- the best team in the National League. And Pedro Martinez had come back sound for September. 7 1-2 game lead on September 18. It just didn't happen. Sorry. A slow-motion version of every single disappointment of over 40 years of being a fan. Not sure whether Glavine giving up 7 runs in the first inning with the season on the line was better than a close, late-innng loss would have been. Hardly matters.

Now, on to next year. The Phillies managed to beat the Mets 8 games with sweet fuck-all for pitching. They're going to be better. Atlanta's always good to go. Florida just had a massive tits-up for a season. Everything that could go wrong did, and they have the best young talent. The Mets absolutely have to pay Johan Santana ANYTHING HE AND HIS AGENT ASK FOR. I don't care if Johan Santana gets $28 million a year for pitching 35 games. Or if he said nice things about Hugo (not Endy) Chavez. And if anybody does they're a fucking bigot and don't know the first thing about business or tax law. Players' salaries are a double tax-write off. And the reason the Yankees can keep winning is because children all over the world buy Yankee T-shirts. The Mets are a good New York team and can become an international brand like the Yankees but only if they win. And they can't win shit without better starting pitching. If the Mets ownership just wants to keep them as a cash cow, that's not smart business sense. That's ridiculous, when they are about to move into a new ballpark and have an eager market all over the world to buy Mets jerseys. And that is a virtuous business circle. That's how Rudy Giuliani's Girls do it. Kelso hates the RGGs with the same passion he hates Republicans but like Republicans, The Girls are always trying to win and make money. What excuse can the Mets come up with for not signing Santana the way the fucked around and didn't sign A-Rod? Let's see with A-Rod it was that he was selfish. What reasons did they give for letting Kazmir go for fucking Victor Zambrano? He had a "bad attitude." For fuck's sake WHAT DIFFERNCE DOES IT MAKE? Scott Kazmir is a lefty with a 95 mph fastball. No, he doesn't "look the part." He's small. His father is a brain surgeon. He likes to party and screw a lot of women. He doesn't handle authority well. Wowee. That's a capital offense. HE IS YOUR MAJOR LEAGUE LEADER IN STRIKEOUTS FOR TAMPA BAY! OK, Rudy's Girls have silly rules about facial hair but they win all the time and their total Rudy Giuliani Girlness is entertaining. In Oakland on a small budge, Billy Beane doesn't give a crap what his players look like or what they do in their off hours. They are paid to play baseball. Boston? Their owner is a Republican billionaire but he understands modern financial theory and his GM Theo Epstein who's not a Republican chooses players based on ability to play baseball and pays the market price. And for the record Kelso thinks Scott Kazmir would make an excellent role-model for Kelso Jr.

And, returning to business law for one moment, baseball teams are a hybrid of private businesses and public trusts so long as the entity MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL is exempt from criminal anti-trust prosecution. Every team owners' obligation is at least HALF to put a winning team on the field every year. It's a sport so it doesn't always work out, but nursing nickels out the way most of the clubs do sucks. It's a fraud. But Kelso doesn't give a shit about Kansas City. It's the Mets. Screw it.

Kelso's Nuts love you