"NORTHERN IRELAND SHOWS THAT WHEN THERE ARE NO BLACKS OR JEWS AROUND PEOPLE CAN IMPROVISE" -- COMEDIAN JIMMIE "JJ" WALKER

But they like it better when Black and Jew are around.

I am now firmly of the belief that Americans are insane. If it weren't for the killing and the fucking up of everyone else's lives, I'd laugh it off and say "forgive them, Lord, they know not what they've done."

But the time for that sort of equanimity is gone. The folk-reggae-rap-sui-generis man Citizen Cope wrote and sung it best: "...there's a battle going on/down south of Bablyon...." Unlike John Kerry in his 2004 Democratic National Convention tin soldier outfit, Kelso really has reported for duty. I referred last week to a 100+10 tournament at the Majestic. I was given a pretty tough table to start: to my left were the tournament director and my friend Isaac. Across from me, Ricardo, son of the owner of the Majestic. To my right was the Belgian woman who called my all-in raise with K-3s when I was holding A-A, rivered her "color" and knocked me from #1 to #50 in the Summer Championship last January. Fair's fair and I enjoy playing against good players. I was in Seat 3 and in seat 1 was a gringo I'd not yet met.

Our conversation started off friendly enough, about the football and the "Panama trap" and how cool it is compared with the USA. I mentioned that I had kind of guessed right upon the advice of friends back home when my attorney recommended my re-locating. The gringo said "it's good to have a smart JEW lawyer." Guffaw, guffaw. I tried to be pleasant. I laughed and said "well, I must be pretty dumb because I'm a Jew and this attorney is Sicilian-American." Ha ha. He went on and said "my friend...so-and-so...has this smart Jew lawyer in Miami....." I cut him off and said "dude, listen you've got the wrong idea...Isaac "Chambita", the old dude mi paisano, el viejo, in the 10 seat and I play all the time with Demitriou and Ricardo, and all the Muslim boys, and J___ and A____ and E__ and the other Jewish guys, so we all joke about that shit all the time because we're friends...You don't know me, so you don't get to joke like that."

He looked at me blankly and said "I was just saying Jews are smart." I stayed mellow and said "no problem, but for the record, I retain counsel in NYC, LA, London and here and the eight of them are pretty mixed, Jews, a Siciilian, two Anglos, two Women, including here La licenciada Ly___te Ar______na...you been here a while, like the daughter of the judge, like the fucking person who's going to be the Diputada from El Dorado in the next round of elections, you know?...I pick my attorneys by their talent and their demeanor...I don't worry about that other stuff." Blank stare. He didn't have the first clue what I was talking about. This was more fun than the tournament! But because Dee and Rico were at the table I played it off cool.

So, we proceed in a more friendly fashion for a while and resume talking about our experiences down here as ex-pats. His Spanish was terrible but I complimented him on it because to be fair, at least this asshole tries. Most gringos don't even try. We get around to talking about the taxes and agree that Panama's taxes are way mellower and he says "that's because the US has to pay for all of the illegal immigrants...every time an immigrant goes to the hospital it comes out of my pocket..." OK, now, I'm seeing red but I still can't go off because the tournament director and the heir to the casino are right there and those guys really have done all the right things to build up their tourney and cash franchise. And they're good guys besides.

So, I say to the gringo "look, man, let's not talk about politics OK? I come from an immigrant family to the US and I'm an immigrant here and besides I've never had a problem with Mexican immigrants. Like not in LA or Cruces, nowhere...White people have caused me way more problems than Mexicans have because Mexicans haven't cause me any problems." He replies "that's because you have something to hide or you've done something wrong," to which I reply "absolutely not...my life's an open book...nothing to hide." And then I say, sotto voce, "I fucking hate White Americans". He says, "you're crazy." I say "that's what people say." Ha ha chuckle chuckle. And I smile, showing my best white-toothed smile against my darkish skin (about the color of mi hermano el neoyorquino Spartacus's) but I'm not through. No way. People like that got to be got.

At the break, I get a soda. He's having a cigarette and we start talking about sports and -- Gracias A Dios -- he says something to the effect of one of his friends having the "biggest internet sportsbook in the world." Well, of course he does as in -- like -- he doesn't. This guy is a bone-head and his friend must be some bust-out No-Known-Address wannabe. So, I nod approvingly and say "wow."

Now for the ass-fucking. I say kind of as an after-thought "what sports can you bet on?" (Knowing to speak tourist and not use anything idiomatic that might give up the game). He says "all of them...he loves action...I once asked him if anyone wins betting sports, and he said to me 'no way, if anyone could win, I wouldn't be in this business.'" BINGO. I say "I guess you're right but I really like to bet anyway...I'm really into ice hockey and -- hey -- I wonder if I could bet European hockey?" He says "you got it" and -- I am not making this up -- asks for a hi-5. I oblige and say "I suppose I'm kind of a junkie; I don't win but I love to bet...do you think you can get me a 3-dime limit on all the European league sides? He can change the line with each 3-dimes I want to play but I want to be able to play up to $30,000 per side...that's not a problem for guys like you and your friend, right?" He smiles and nods. So, the coup-de-grace: "Of course I'd prefer to play into 10c or 10p but we can negotiate that. I DON'T PLAY INTO 30 cents or 30 pence...cool?" We shake. He asks for my name and number. I tell him "David Moises" and give him a safe number and tell him that the pokerroom can take those kinds of call for me, for his friend to just ask for the NEW YORK JEW who wears the Mets cap. Or El Judio "Carlos Beltran". Man, is he fired up because he's thinking of the commission he's going to get. Of course, the obligatory hi-5. Idiot.

But he's in massive trouble now because if he follows through with the promise, I'm going to break his friend. Nobody deals European ice hockey with those kinds of limits. Even the dumbest White American is not that stupid. But if by some miracle it happens, his friend will not take it out on me. We'll both post to an escrow account and everything will be cherry. The guy will take it out hard on this racist bigot dildo. And if he ducks me, he can't show up at the Majestic again.

9 days on and -- mirable dictu -- I haven't heard from him nor have I seen him. Gay people prefer having sex with people of their own gender. White Americans are faggots.

Ahhhh, the little things that make life so worth living, like a lemonade on a hot day or a drive in Vermont during leaf-peeping season, or putting a gringo's balls in a vise...

Kelso's Nuts love you

(A very rayre) Postscript: Speaking of poker, thanks to DistributorCapNYC for this wretched piece of news. http://www.nytimes.com/2007/11/04/nyregion/04poker.html?_r=2&ref=nyregion&oref=slogin&oref=slogin I'VE PLAYED WITH FRANK BEFORE AND HE IS DEFINITELY AS GENTLE AND MELLOW AS THE TISSUE-OF-LIES MAKES HIM OUT TO BE. I MAY HAVE TO TURN MY PHONE OFF TODAY. Frank, mis bruchas pa' ti, tio. I've made a liar out of myself. Sometimes, do do bathos. This also deserves the first emoticon to show here. [ :( ]