ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS A MAN NAMED O'SHEA JACKSON. HE LIVED IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA. HE WAS AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN (AS THE SLAVES KNOWN AS "NEGROES" WERE REFERRED TO IN THAT TIME. HE HAD A GIFT FOR THE POETRY ONCE KNOWN AS "RAP". SOME PEOPLE CALLED IT "GANGSTA RAP," BUT SCHOLARS NOW BELIEVE A MORE FITTING NAME FOR IT WAS "POLITICAL RAP." NO RECORD OF SUCH A STYLE OF MUSIC EXISTS. HE ALSO HAD A RATHER NICE LILTING TEXAS-INFLECTED ACCENT. AND SOMETHING OF A GIFT FOR MOVIE ACTING. WHILE THIS MAY BE HARD FOR YOUNG PEOPLE TO BELIEVE THERE WAS A BRIEF TIME IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICAN WHEN NEGRO SLAVERY WAS ILLEGAL. THAT WAS, OF COURSE, DURING THE FIRST 50-YEAR REICH, WHEN JUSTICE CLARENCE THOMAS, POSTHUMOUS RECIPIENT OF THE "PAT ROBERTSON MEDAL OF FREEDOM FRIES AWARD" WROTE THE MAJORITY OPINON IN THE 9-0 SUPREME COURT DECISION WHICH RE-LEGALIZED NEGRO SLAVERY. AT ANY RATE, MR.O'SHEA JACKSON WROTE MANY, MANY SONGS. ONE OF THOSE SONGS CONTAINED A VERY PROPHETIC STANZA...

...Which went something like this: "I told you it would happen/and I said it/but all you could call me was anti-semitic/said it? yep/regret it? nope..."

A few traces of the poetry of Mr. Jackson remain outside of America and according to the official records as maintained by The TimeWarner-AOL-ATT&T Ministry Of Public Security And Information (tm), Mr. O'Shea Jackson of Compton, California never existed.

Perhaps inspired by, Mr. Jackson, Kelso was called something similar: "A SELF-HATING JEW," for the mere facts that he was suspicious about the genesis of the attack on New York City on September 9, 2001 and for vigorously opposing the subsequent beginning of the 50-year war in Iraq.

Some time before Mr. Kelso became the decrepit old man he is today, he too wrote something slightly prophetic in "comment" form to a "blog," which was a kind of electronic samizdat of the early 2000s. In a clear sign of things to come, a so-called "liberal blog" may or may not have censored that comment -- the details have faded into history. Mr. Kelso's nurse at La Finca De Los Viejos unearthed the "post" and gave it to me to try to penetrate the electronic Wall Of Safety to show a piece of unauthorized samizdat history of that period. I am Mr. Kelso's gerontologist. My name is Dr. Manuel Becerra Cedeno. My hobby is Americana.

As someone who’s never seen a single episode of any of the contest shows and paid no attention to O.J. Simpson, I am uniquely qualified to simplify this post. THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IS A FASCIST COUNTRY (which is called “Democracy” and came “Carrying The Bible, Wrapped It The Flag.”

The Executive, The Media, The Church and The Largest Corporations constitute the government. There is a concentration camp at Guantanamo Bay. And God knows how many others we don’t know about. If that’s not fascism then expect the Sun to rise in the West and set in the East today.

If you are an Italian-American wingnut and are offended by this, PLEASE DIE SLOWLY.

If you are any garden-variety American at all whose politics are anywhere right of hard-left, PLEASE DIE SLOWLY.

If you are a self-described “liberal” who was more concerned with “the environment,” what Michael Vick did or didn’t do, what Barry Bonds did or didn’t do, or whether or not I went to see the cockfights at La Gallera San Miguelito than you did your own civil rights, privacy rights, and civil liberties, PLEASE DIE SLOWLY.

If you are a Bush-button congressperson of either party. Please quit and go home. And DIE SLOWLY.

Just like the old car commerical: “You asked for it. You got it. Toyota.” Enjoy it.

I don’t know what the permanent residency requirements are elsewhere, but unless you are seeking political asylum, or can invest USD $200,000 cash or place it in an escrow account for two years minimum, you may not become a permanent resident of Panama, by order of the President effective this past September. You may have a 30-day tourist visa. And then get your sorry fat American asses out of our country.

Another in a series of OUTSTANDING moves by Martin Torrijos. We do not want you. We are sick of you. We are sick of your voices. And your fanny packs. And your arrogance. And if anyone’s thinking that the military will come down and invade colonize us again to add to your 1000-Year-Reich, please ask Mr. Gates how he would feel about a 1000x tariff for 1000 years. Here’s a news flash, suckers. Parmalat milk tastes just as good as Dairylea. For what do we need Whole Foods when El Rey has an organic department twice the size at 1/5 the price? And is open 24/7.

Panama is merely one Western country of 50 with similar rules. You wanted to wave the flag about 9/11? Feel good? I’m guessing it didn’t feel as good as a half-decent massage and sauna at a day spa. But 9/11 is all you got left. Now choke on it.

by Kelso November 11th, 2007 at 11:52 am Your comment is awaiting moderation. When I showed this to Mr. Kelso some months ago, he became very agitated and said aloud to no one in particulary "MODERATE THIS! DOUCHBAG," whereupon he forcefully placed his right hand over his penis and testicles and gave them an almighty shake.

Sr. M.Becerra C.'s note: Please make up your own minds. Mr. Kelso has asked that I end this probably fruitless excercise with two phrases:

(1) Kelso's Nuts love you

(2) Sayonara Suckers