On January 23, 2008, Kelso marks his one-year anniversary living in Panama City. I remember packing a small suitcase, getting on a plane late at night, arriving at the Sheraton Caesar Park where I lived for a whole month! Boy, was that depressing. I remember sleeping for 36 hours straight after arriving at the hotel and then having the presence of mind to call many of the fathers of Kelso Jr's friends to explain why I had decided to expatriate. My reasons were two-fold: 1) I did not want Kelso Jr to suffer any teasing in the playground because of any parents' misunderstandings of the issues involved 2) Kelso Jr is not a large child but despite his small stature he has yet to lose a kid fight and nothing brings out the evilness in him like someone insulting his size or his parents -- I was looking out for Jr's friends. Fathers JR and MK could not have been more understanding.
Father KG, on the other hand, not only failed to hear me out, he mentioned to Kelso Jr's mother that I "sounded drunk." KG if you are reading this, I am ready to accept your apology and move on as friends. Should you not apologize to me for such slander, the next time I see you I will hit you in the mouth with a roll of dimes in my fist. I invite you to come to Panama and settle this like gentlemen or like maleantes. Your choice. I was rather sober after so much sleep. And besides I'm not the father who shops for his son's clothes in the girls' department and makes his 8YO son wear a shirt that says "HEROIN" on it I'm a very good role model. Having never worked a day in your life because your father made a few bucks in handbags during the Wars is great for you but you'll never know the joy of "getting there" by your own wits and balls. Your poetry sucks and your spouse's artwork is rather wan, but that's just Kelso's opinion. And of course the opinion of the marketplace.
Thank you to the wonderful people in Panama who've made me feel so very welcome: J-C.D, MM, LG, JK, MV, JW, "S" "A" "L" "J" NM, PS, IM, AB & JH, of course, "M", AJ, RD, AG-GG, LRSP, La Senora de D, RB, "E", "EA", "E EL A", BR, RT, El Senor T, "LaS", MN," "M", "CR," EelS", TG, MdeNY, JdeB, B, "SelC","Rosita", the staff of Restaurant Sake, the staff of Punta Pacifica/Johns Hopkins Hospital, IR, "CC", "RR" and let me name-drop here, former WBA flyweight champion Roberto "Arana" Vasquez and La Doctor Lcda, Lynnette Arosemena, Abogada, who, many years my junior served "in loco parentis" and handled all of my legal affairs with grace, tact and friendship. Also, her remarkable father the Judge, her husband "G" and her lovely nieces. Remember Lcda Arosemena's name. She'll be President of the Republic someday.
The final inspiration, of course, for my expatriation was the colocation by retired Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist of something called UIGEA in the 2007 Port Appropriations Act. This was done to serve his Christian Base and his corporate masters at Harrah's Gaming. Frist is gone and Bush asked for $0 for Port Appropriations for fiscal 2008. A lovely little New York family broken up over nothing. On the other hand. I like Panama and am in no hurry to return to the States. So, to Bush, Frist, the Christians, the stingy bastards at Harrah's, all I can say is "thanks." If any of you harbor notions of Noriega and the Rain Forest, think again. My Smith's supermarket is bigger than yours.
There are zillions of stories worse than mine from this monstrous Administration from poker entrepreneur Ruth Peacock's loss of 95% of her net worth to the American soldier in Iraq who got killed for no reason at all as I typed this post.
Finally, Un Propero Ano De Mi Parte for all of my excellent new blog pals. Blogging has been my only opportunity to have vibrant discourse in English and I really appreciate everybody's shit. Thanks espciallly to THE HELLIONS who made this little nobody blogger feel like he was part of something important and had something valuable to contribute.
To "borrow slightly" from another master, Mr Marshall Mathers, HAVE FUN, HAVE SEX, LOVE YOUR FAMILY, HATE GEORGE BUSH, DON'T VOTE FOR OBAMA, END THE WAR, GET HIGH, and either start living or continue dying.
Kelso's Nuts love you
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15 comments:
I agree with everything in the Mather's plan but not sure about the getting high part (I suppose on what?).
That's the point, isn't it? It's OK to get completely skunked on booze and kill yourself with tobacco but a little of this or a little of that get you caught up in the system? What's it like to live in a Third World country?
Want to "win" the "War On Drugs"? Here's how. Realize that everybody's brain chemistry is different. In other words, declare victory and leave.
i was thinking about the whole legalization of drugs thing today (it being new year's and all, what else is there to think about???).
anyway, after much rumination on the issue (and i do agree that it is majorly inconsistent to have alcohol and cigarettes legal and pot illegal), i've come down on the side of keeping highly addictive drugs illegal. this is very personal on my part of course, because i think if certain drugs were legal, i'd be out and part-taking in them and probably, actually CERTAINLY be addicted to one or another by now, in the same way that i (confession alert!!!) struggle with alcohol. it's BEST for me NOT to have ready access to certain substances.
again, that's just my entirely 'self interested' point of view.
happy new year kelso ...
AXN:
Happy New Year.
I certainly hadn't intended this comment to produce a string on drugs, legalization and addiction, but i'll go with the flow.
Ban one, ban all, I say. Legalize one, legalize all. The problem with this discussion it the reification of the word "drugs." George Carlin has a great routine about this by the way.
What's "highly-addictive?" Cocaine? Sure. Opiates? Sure. Benzodiazipines? Sure. Amphetimines? Sure. Barbituates? Sure. OK, you have your wish. Those are banned or highly controlled. Do any of those produce the same physcial alteration in people as alcohol does? For the most part, no.
Are all of those "readily available"? You'd better believe it. And you're back to square one, except your society encourages you to drink copious amounts of alcohol but should you get caught with an illegal or controlled-substance you are looking at massive legal fees, fines and penalties, sometimes custodial.
So, now you have all sorts of knock-on social ills which are only good for you if you own Wackenhut Stock or live in a gerry-mandered Republican district.
Isn't recognizing that psychoactivity is psychoactivity is psychoactivity and that keeping such things away from minors is priority one. Priority two is preventing the spread of HIV. Priority three is taking all of the pressure off the criminal justice system. Priority four is recognizing that there's a broad palette of effective treatments for the DISEASE of abuse of psychoactive agents. Priority five is recognizing that psychoactive agents CAN be used responsibly by adults.
Si o no?
i'm not disagreeing with you on the overall policy points. however, like i said, i'm talking about me me me me. the drugs you mention are not "readily available" to someone like me. i would have to put myself a risk, if not great risk, to get them. which is fine with me.
i think our society is so generally inhospitable to emotional well-being that some people (including some otherwise highly responsible adults) would in fact fall victim to addictions OVER AND ABOVE alcohol and cigarettes that it's best (in my opinion) that the drug laws 1) remain in effect; and 2) be equitably enforced.
again, i state this as purely a function of my own vulnerabilities, of which i am extremely aware.
in this regard, i'm no bill buckley (nor marshall mathers for that matter.)
sorry to lend such a sad turn to your otherwise rocking new years post.
You re going to get high one way or another wether its Julio, Bartles & Jaymes or Pfizer
not necessarily.
Anita:
You hardly lent a sad turn to my (let's be realistic) indifferent New Year's post. Your comments are always on point and always well expressed, except with regard to "Dudes and Dweebs." I assume you checked it out and discovered that it was -- Daily News sportswriter -- Bob Raissman's baby and while Kelso always gave Raissman the credit, the other guy tried to pull a fast one.
Even if you are taking a personal and not political view of the drug issue, I still disagree with you. Drugs are everywhere! Delivery services of everything under the sun are available in the classified pages for crying out loud. A recommendation is all it takes. And that's only one option. You work in finance. I used to. No, there are no drugs in finance. Stop pulling my leg!
Plus, there's always a guy-who-knows-a-guy. And if all else fails, is there a 7-11 or QuikChek in your town? Does it have a parking lot?
What are the risks in any of this? Greater than buying alcohol from a liquor store but way, way lesser than driving under the influence of alcohol is.
I'm not advocating you use drugs. I'm advocating you don't. But it's a little silly to expect the "law" to stop you or anyone else from getting whatever they want just because the law says-so. So, if you have any desire to add-on an illegal or controlled substance to your alcohol consumption, the "law" is a piece of tissue paper stopping you, not a concrete wall.
Toughest drug laws in the world in the USA, greatest per capita consumption.
Getting back to your original post... Happy New Year, Kelso. I don't want to offend any of my other blogpals, but you hold a special place en mi corazon. I really appreciate your whole approach to this blog thing. You're honest, you're direct, you're smart, you're hilarious. I love that you cheer me on and call me on shit at the same time. Keep on holding us all accountable, man. We're better bloggers for it. Salud buena y feliz ano nuevo.
I agree with *everything* in the "Mathers list," and intend to adhere to it in 2008. Thank you for the inspiration.
"Want to "win" the "War On Drugs"? ... declare victory and leave." I love it! As for booze vs. weed, I'd rather be in a room full of dopers than in a room with even ONE drunk. And don't even get me started on the subject of which one is the most dangerous DRIVER!
Feliz ano nuevo (where the hell is the tilda on this keyboard??) a ti y tus madre, padre, hijo y amigos.
SuziRiot:
Y tambien te coloques en la mia. Hace poco que estuviera muy nerviosa de su estilo, ritmo, pesadillas de falta de manas y hallas y ya...mirate! Ahora mismo estas socio del Equipo Super De Jonestown! Un abrazo de oso, un brindi-brindi y un mazel tov de mi parte.
Que todo te salga chevere.
I have to admit your praise makes me blush a little. I'm not all that great at this. It's not my purpose to hold you or anyone accountable. We're all entitled to make mistakes, errors of judgement, of commission, of omission and especially of copy-editing.
There are some issues, however, I've been on about for some time and will continue to pursue until I no longer have to. Or am dead. 1)BARACK OBAMA. I dislike the man on so many levels I would consider it a badge of honor to be called "racist" because of how I feel about the fellow 2) RECLAIMING MY JEWISH IDENTITY ON MY TERMS. I just flat out refuse to let the AIPAC version of what it means to be Jewish define me and I refuse to be drafted by virtue of ancestry into any anti-Muslim prejudice or any causes like the Project For The New American Century 3) THE BIG "4" (Peace, Social Justice, Civil Rights and Civil Liberties) will ALWAYS trump environmentalism and animal worship for me...yes, that means I think if "we're" willing to give Erik Prince and Blackwater a pass we'd fucking better give Michael Vick one
Other than that stuff, I'm a really nice guy! As in I'm not!
Keep up the great work, everybody. Suzi, I'll try to find you a good Riot Gurrll ditty.
Happy New Year to one of my favorite maniacs. And I mean that in a good way.
legalize all drugs period.
enough of a rant
happy new year mi amigo
thanks for making me a smarter better person
D-CUP:
You are Jenna-Jameson-And-Marilyn-Vos-Savant-With-A-Kasha-Knish-On-The-Side and I mean that in a really good way.
Feliz ano nuevo.
D-CAPny:
Feliz ano nuevo a ti de mi parte tambien.
Make you a smarter, better person? Just on dead reckoning I'd say you were 17 IQ points smarter than I am and about 10 MSPs (Moral Superior Points) better than I am. 10 instead of 17because you won't see the light on Barry Bonds or the dark on Barack Obama.
Oh D-CAPny:
I liked your Kristol post very much. And I had quite a bit of fun stuff to add.
Happy Motoring! (My trust owns a lot of ExxonMobil)
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