AS BUSH GOES, SO GOES THE TISSUE OF LIES
Despite Kelso apparently having lost all his fans, the skein of comment goose-eggs now at 8 and counting, we bravely soldier on. A little depressing that it's an exercise more akin to something accompanied by Vaseline and Kleenex than a vigorous conversation. What does Kelso have to do to get some love? He's already joked about Hitler and made a fairly elegant statistical argument that Magic Johnson is a "bottom." Nobody's pissed about that? Fair enough, then. We'll try a little positivity.
Is it just Kelso or has the Tissue Of Lies become fucking great over the last week? It seems to have started with MoDo's take-down of Judith Miller and has infected the rest of the paper. Kelso is only halfway through today's Tissue and has found an amazing array of great journalism. Selena Roberts may have been Flopping The Nuts because she wrote an outstanding column on homosexuality in sports, without any puns or pop culture references. Just a well-researched, well-argued and classily written piece of work. The coverage of the withdrawal of Harriet Miers nomination to the supreme court was incredibly comprehensive and detailed. Ditto the coverage of the Valerie Plame leak, including an important reminder of the "side pot" in this hand, the parallel investigation into the forged Niger documents which started all of this. Harvey Araton's column on the Roger Clemens and Dave Stewart rivalry was superb, as was Joe Drape's feature on the Australian professional gambler Paul Makin. Clyde Haberman has tempered his flacking for Bloomberg and his on-going Ed Koch impersonation was actually funny today.
Of course, it being the Tissue Of Lies, (maybe Kleenex Of Lies more appropriate!), there was some of the usual bad shit. Jodi Wilgoren's piece on the Kansas School Board fight over the teaching of evolution was a fucking disaster. She's apparently still got her colors nailed to the mast of the Bush administration and seems to be actively rooting for the national abandoment of the teaching of evolution. This may be clever positioning on her part, because all of the other former Bush flacks -- Elisabeth Bumiller and Richard Stevenson to name two -- are actually reporting the news, and the Lord knows Bush still needs some support from the Tissue's A Section. Jodi's the gal for now. Thomas Friedman, after a skeptical Iraq piece a few days ago, is back on his A-Game with an Op-Ed congratuling 3M and Buddhist peasants with Blackberries on saving the enviroment. Correct Kelso if he's wrong, but didn't 3M's despoiling of the Mesabi Iron Range have a pretty devastating effect in Minnesota? And, finally, the business section continues to read as an E*Trade ad, thin gruel and plenty of stock cheerleading. Of course, this is to be expected. The Tissue, despite its Ruling Class bent, is no Wall Street Journal and never will be. There was a time, believe it or not, when the New York Times Business And Finance section was serious, although Kelso can't remember when.
Kelso believes this unexpected change in the Tissue is a result of Bill Keller hearing footsteps.
A fan of the Nuts was expecting Kelso to have a rant about Harriet Miers. She'll be sorely disappointed. Kelso never knew what to make of her nomination, but it struck Kelso that while she may have been wholly unsuitable for the Supreme Court, though obviously more qualified than the Organ-Grinder's Monkey, she's someone Kelso wouldn't mind having on retainer when the chips are down. Bush's loyalty here was well-placed. When something needed done, she fucking well took care of it, doing whatever was necessary, and a client can't ask for anything more in an attorney. The next nominee will certainly be better versed in constitutional law, but probably a right-wing ideologue and not a street-fighter. Kelso reckons the best we can hope for are Wilkinson, Sykes, Mahoney or Clement, but we'll probably end up with Alito or Luttig, meaning bye-bye Roe, which may not be a bad thing as it will set off a tax revolt and guarantee Democratic dominance for two generations, but that's a topic for another day.
Culture shock. As Kelso's second adolescence continues unabated, he had the bizarre experience of showing up at a small-stakes home Hold 'Em Tournament populated by Wall Streeters and VCs in his NYC poker-club Uni: T-Shirt, Jeans, Sneakers, Zip-Hoodie, Athletic Jacket and Baseball cap, with I-Pod, cellie and meds (velly, velly few serious players drink alcohol while in action) in pocket. And, of course, his 10 opponents still had button-downs or French Cuffs. Kelso worked $50 into 3rd place and got knocked out when calling all-in with top-pair against what looked like a flush-draw but was in fact a turned-flush. He only hopes his opponents enjoyed beating a semi-pro on the four-night-a-week plan and will remember his willingness to gamble and lose when Kelso comes knocking to raise money for an entrepreneurial venture.
French Cuffs often come into the clubs after a good day of trading or I-banking and what must they think when they see Chinese guys, American Jewish guys, Russian Jewish guys, Black guys in the Uni, with the Tough Broads in East Village wear? If it were Kelso in the French Cuffs (and once upon a time he did wear them), he'd turn around and run. But, fortunately, they keep coming and keep letting us take them apart. Guess it's more about ego than the money. What's it like to play cards in business attire with no music or meds? What kind of creatures must we look like? And act like with all the sick humor and mind games?
A final note. Kelso's mentor disagreed with K's dismissal of the possibilty that Magic Johnson was a spiker: "you make it 1000/1; I make it 10/1." A devilish chuckle followed.
Kelso's Nuts love you.
9 comments:
Okay, if Kelso needs a comment, how about an outing (since this week was full of news about outing a guy)? The only person I knew who supported Bush in 2000 was -- you guessed it, Kelso! Not a quiet kind of support, mind you, but a full-throated roar at right-thinking parties all over town.
(I must say that I had Bush right at the time: a boozing, ass-grabbing, nickname-giving, Kelso-type-of-guy-hating, Rock Lobster-dancing frat boy. ("W., there will be wenches and mead at tonight's festival: partake!") Though later I supported the war, I admit. (Still think it was right in principle, but executed wrong.))
Now that Kelso's true politics have been revealed, I must assume his Bush-touting was a protest against the DLC's sway over the Democrats; i.e., a "worse the better" concept, a la Lenin. Well, I guess it worked out for Kelso about as well as 1917 did for Russia.
Love it!
THE CONFESSION: Kelso definitely preferred Bush to Gore in 2000. Why? He was waiting for Gore's choice of VP to make the decision: If Bayh, Edwards, or Kerry than he'd go with Gore, if Lieberman, Bush. When questioned by a New York Post poll, Kelso absolutely, positively identified himself as supporting Bush over Gore.
NOW THE DISPUTE: Where is this idea that Kelso is some kind of Communist who wishes ill upon his country coming from? And what are Kelso's true politics? Left-Libertarian, spelled out in plain language in many posts. There is no more aggressive pursuer of money than Kelso; his entire professional life has consisted of squeezing every dime of out situations. The reason for K's full-throated support for Bush (and eventual vote for Nader) was that once Gore had picked Lieberman and run away from Clinton, he was committing himself to campaigning to Bush's right and so he did. Don't forget, Gore had his own Douglas Feith, a fellow named Leon Fuerth (google please) and was committing himself to a far more (ahem) "muscular" Middle-East policy than Bush was.
And then BUSH TOOK GORE APART in the debates.
So, at the time Kelso read it as a toss-up, with W looking to Kelso like a dumber version of Pappy, though something of a quick study and very competitive who was maybe smarter than he seemed. Kelso wasn't hoping for a "worse-the-better" result; it was dumber than that, even. KELSO ACTUALLY FELL FOR IT. Kelso's bad, no doubt. Gore, despite a penchant for guessing wrong politically at every turn, it's not even close. Gore would have been the-number-of-grains-of-sand-on-the-bach-factorial a better president than Bush. And Lieberman would have gotten cracked on the Timerosol exclusion language semi-scandal (remember that?), rendering him castrated, so any worry Kelso had about Lieberman as a morals czar was Chicken Little shit.
Once the 5-4 Supreme Court decision came down, Gore rolled over. That wasn't showing "dignity," it showed cowardice. Had he gotten up, said "bullshit" and signed-on to the House Black Caucus protest, he might be president today and if not would certainly have gone down as one of the great political figures of the century. And would have crushed Bush in the 2004 rematch. But he chose the safe path, guessing wrong on what his legacy would be.
By the way, there was no need for you to confess to supporting the war. You guessed wrong on that one. Kelso guessed wrong on Gore. So, what? Stupid on both our parts. It happens to the best; it happens to the rest.
And, finally and sincerely, Kelso's hat is off to you, Harvey. You had the most brilliant and far-sighted call of anyone. When Kelso was bitching like everybody else about Clinton's impeachment, YOU told Kelso to fucking relax because all it meant was that when a Republican politician committed some malfeasance, he would be skewered the same way. And with Fitzgerald's indictment of Libby for charges of false statements, so it has come to pass.
PS: Kelso didn't make the same mistake in 2004, he voted for Kerry, despite Kerry's doing a first-class Gore 2000 impression throughout. Kucinich in NY primary, though.
And what's all this stuff about right-thinking parties. Kelso doesn't go to parties, drink, use drugs or gamble. Mrs. K told him it's John Jameson or me, and Kelso chose her.
Uno mas.
It's a sign of Kelso's love for you, Harvey, that he's taken the time to give a full response when he really should have been working: 13 NHL games to run, a full-program of racing including the Breeder's Cup and two carry-overs, not to mention the Halloween Monster Mash at Kelso, Jr.'s school.
And, yes, oh, yes, it worked out horrible. Horrible. And this is dead serial: Kelso has had trouble getting to sleep each night since Robert Mueller gave that bullshit testimony before Congress that Al-Qaida was laundering money through off-shore bookmakers. It's not happening, but it does put K in a very prickly situation.
Jeez, Kelso can't leave this alone, he was so desperate for some comments.
About the frat-stuff, Kelso cops to having been ultra-liberal and artsy in college: Spanish Lit major and many, many drama classes and plays, but he never had beef with frat guys. He went to the parties and although he is way too small to have ever tangled with any of them physically, he had a total free-pass because of his friendship with the leader of a popular college band that contained three right-wing DKE guys. Ask Mrs. Harvey if Kelso's lying.
If you want to read the best account of Gore's stupid mind, I recommend the paperback of "Too Close to Call", by Jeff Toobin. The real problem with Gore is that he reads the editorial pages in the Tissue and Wash Post and BELIEVES them -- which is where his "dignified" approach to the recount battle came from. He wanted to be thought well of at cocktail parties.
(BTW I lost any shred of respect for Gore in his concession speech, when he said his plan was to return to Tennessee to "mend fences ... literally AND figuratively." This "safe, legal ... and rayre" cadence rang so false that it was actually laughable. "I'm going to run a hedge fund in L.A." would have been true, and honorable.)
Now as to Bush, he takes the opposite route and avoids the newspapers and "elite opinion" entirely. This has resulted in his becoming something like Stalin or Louis XVI, existing in a bubble of "good news" that is occasionally penetrated by huge shocks. His face during Katrina was that of a stunned person.
Finally, as to Cheney, what he should be impeached for is causing the failure of the Iraq exercise by excluding our allies so that the war profiteering did not have to be shared with odiferous Frenchies and Nazis. Now it's a poisoned chalice that they can't give away. There is hope, however, and it is our old enemy Russia. Lukoil and Conoco are almost ready to begin work in Iraq -- Russian oil workers will go anywhere if they get paid enough -- and if they get the go-ahead from Bush I'm sure the Russians would help out with the security situation too. Their "methods" for putting down insurrection may turn out a bit more effective than our own.
If you want to read the best account of Gore's stupid mind, I recommend the paperback of "Too Close to Call", by Jeff Toobin. The real problem with Gore is that he reads the editorial pages in the Tissue and Wash Post and BELIEVES them -- which is where his "dignified" approach to the recount battle came from. He wanted to be thought well of at cocktail parties.
(BTW I lost any shred of respect for Gore in his concession speech, when he said his plan was to return to Tennessee to "mend fences ... literally AND figuratively." This "safe, legal ... and rayre" cadence rang so false that it was actually laughable. "I'm going to run a hedge fund in L.A." would have been true, and honorable.)
Now as to Bush, he takes the opposite route and avoids the newspapers and "elite opinion" entirely. This has resulted in his becoming something like Stalin or Louis XVI, existing in a bubble of "good news" that is occasionally penetrated by huge shocks. His face during Katrina was that of a stunned person.
Finally, as to Cheney, what he should be impeached for is causing the failure of the Iraq exercise by excluding our allies so that the war profiteering did not have to be shared with odiferous Frenchies and Nazis. Now it's a poisoned chalice that they can't give away. There is hope, however, and it is our old enemy Russia. Lukoil and Conoco are almost ready to begin work in Iraq -- Russian oil workers will go anywhere if they get paid enough -- and if they get the go-ahead from Bush I'm sure the Russians would help out with the security situation too. Their "methods" for putting down insurrection may turn out a bit more effective than our own.
Multiple Rush dittoes on this one. As to Irag, it's the Republican approach all the way. It's what the "contras" and Cuba were all about. Republicans don't want to share the business with Europe, China or Russia. Daniel Ortega was nobody's dictator. He came to the Young President's Club (CEOs under 40) and announced that Nicaragua was "open for American business," and got a standing ovation.
Problem for Reagan's advisors much like Bush's is that Western Europe was already there. And in El Salvador. And they're already in Cuba. Kelso thinks Hilton Hotels Europe have a few up and are good to go for huge casino development when Castro's good to "go".
Here's some good capitalist advice from lefty Kelso to Republicans: quick nickels better than slow dollars.
About what you say about Gore's concession speech, it's spot-on. And Kelso remembers when you first highlighted the phrase "safe, legal and rayre"...we were driving over to see THE SNAPPER (Colm Meaney as Georgie Burgess!) along Santa Monica Blvd. Rainy day, late Dec 92. In same conversation you put a correct damper on Kelso's stupid enthusiasm for Clinton win with this and by saying that something called Whitewater was going to be huge.
But in Kelso's self-defense, Mrs. Harvey has noticed that Kelso always had a grudging respect for Pappy and Kelso has ALWAYS acknowledged that Pappy and Dinkins were hard luck losers in those poor economic years.
Again, props for far-sightedness, but don't fuck with a synesthetic on memory! [Discovered this year that Kelso, Kelso's sister and English cousin ex-of-Eugah have this property as to color and that it runs in the male line].
Kelso is a pacifist as you know, but had the whole thing been presented as a joint US-Europe-Russia-China thing and that it was going to be an old-school invasion and was going to include taking Saudi Arabia, Kelso would have been halfway on the bus. Realpolitik Kelso can deal with. Lies conflated with religio-fascism, no dice.
The cult of Bush and the bubble of "good news" is exactly the kind of magic that sold Kelso on him in 2000. One wonders if people like Rove and Cheney who fucking well DO read the papers weren't also duped. The Richard Condon analysis.
Kelso will check out Jeff's book.
Last comment: you shall know we finally have a good president when the inauguration entertainment is something you actually want to see. You can get anyone you want! I knew Clinton would disappoint when he chose Michael Jackson, Siegfried and Roy, and Travis Ray Brooks (or whatever). All of a piece with safe legal and rayre.
It doesn't have to be Paul Westerberg, The New Pornographers, and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. It could be B.B. King, Bruce Springsteen acoustic and Jon Stewart, for God's sake. Unfortunately I think we'll need a president from the Millenium generation -- when Coldplay will be a nostalgia act like Cream --before you get anything halfway decent.
John Kasich (R-OH) as K recalls had about the best musical taste of any big-time politician -- liked the Seattle stuff, Dylan, Hendrix, and The Dead.
B.B. King, Springsteen, Willie Nelson possible from a Democrat. No way a Republican is going to go with anything other than C & W.
Most likely you'll get Hootie & The Blowfish, Jimmy Buffet and Billy Crystal from a Democrat and the usual crowd of bad top-40 country artists from a Republican with (maybe) Dennis Miller or Larry Miller but both of those guys are too ironic despite being Righties.
Kelso can't envision a scenario in which any Inauguration program would be halfway decent. Looking at the Republican contenders on Pinnacle, Kelso can't imagine any of them deviating from C & W -- including Giuliani who might add in Pat Cooper for comedy -- except perhaps Jeb who'd get some Cuban exile music or Condi who'd go with George Benson or some other smooth jazz-ster. That's the sort of stuff Hillary would go with, too.
This would have been a great Spring Lounge topic, no? Can't believe it never came up.
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