KELSO'S LOST HIS ZEST FOR THIS...

...along with all readers and posters, apparently. So, there will be a small period of contemplation and reflection as Kelso takes care of other matters, maybe takes up meditation and/or yoga -- nah, screw the yoga, Kelso's not limber enough for the poses. Meditation, though, seems like a must, as it has proven over and over again at the card table.

DUDE OF THE WEEK: MoDo in today's Tissue Of Lies for putting a battering on Judy Miller in defiance of all things Tissue. MoDo calls out Judy Miller for her repulsive personality, morals, and politics in plain language, damning the damnable Tissue in the process. The self-same Tissue Of Lies that pays her a nice salary and has given her the garden spot and ample opportunites for fame, fortune and huge speaking fees. Kelso believes, MoDo, and he withdraws all vicious comments and apologizes for all the mean jokes. This column took all the guts that Joseph Wilson's op-ed did. Shots are coming, MoDo -- remember to duck. And it's a good lesson for all of the MoDo imitators out there. There's a time to lard one's column with faux-hip cultural references and puns and a time to get serious. Selena Roberts, this means you. Take a lesson.

Link, of course, unavailable because Kelso will not pay for Tissue Select.

Patrick Fitzgerald's pending DUDE OF THE WEEK AWARD remains in abeyance as nobody knows what he's going to do. By Kelso's reckoning, a complete exoneration is as likely as Watergate II. Former would make him the DWEEB OF THE YEAR; latter would make him DUDE OF THE YEAR.

2ND PLACE TO DAVID STERN FOR DWEEB OF THE WEEK: Robert Iler of the Sopranos, whose night-crawling led to the raid of The Ace Point, the arrest of some unbelievably nice people who deserve medals for running such a pleasant operation and have always maintained an atmosphere of conviviality and courtesy.

The way Kelso hears it, some gossip reporters were following (um) Mr. Iler around on his debauchery and when he showed up at Ace Point apparently with a member. (Mr. Iler is very much NOT a member, and in fact, the management of Ace Point has made it the policy to keep celebrities OUT in order to avoid this sort of thing, to protect its members and their privacy, and maintain its pre-eminence as the SERIOUS card and game club in NYC.) Ace Point had really been Hold 'Em school for Kelso and he appreciates the efforts of management and the company of all regulars and dealers. A whole Hold 'Em course in 8 months of semi-regular play. Best of luck in all your legal battles guys and gals. Kelso will help in any way he can.

The gossip is that once the unestimable Mr. Iler entered the club, the press ratted to the cops and the cops ginned-up a "noise-complaint". Trust K on this: Ace Point was as quiet as a church with no music and all TVs muted. Came the raid, etc, etc., bringing celebrity related club raids to 3 (A-Rod for Playstation and Broadway, Iler for Ace Point).

This pretty much squares the circle: Judy Miller, Jeff Gerth on Bill Clinton (against), Elisabeth Bumiller on Bush (for)...it goes on. The mainstream press is not your friend. It is a tool of the ruling class, a "very different situation post 9/11" notwithstanding. That's right; Kelso said it -- RULING CLASS. Look, even Robert Bork said "show me a man who wasn't a Socialist before age 40 and I'll show you a man with no heart; show me a man over 40 who is a Socialist and I'll show you a man with no head." Kelso's over 40, a capitalist, but the War/Prison Industrial Complex/Religion Industrial Complex/Press Toadyism/Corporatist State in opposition to entrepreneurship and small business is just infuriating.

Now, on to A-Rod, Iler, and ALL celebrities big and small. You have enough money to play in home games with huge stakes and no charge for time. Leave us alone. Stay away from our clubs. Much as we love to take your money, all we really want to do is play cards in a safe, noise, smoke and alcohol-free environment. In other words, FUCK-OFF.

Here are some links:

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/act/105678091.html

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/act/105611211.html

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/com/105569644.html

Kelso is assuming you've all got the NCAA pix for today and that they will continue to be as good as they have been to date.

A last bit of needling business before bye-bye. There is a series of jokes in the vein of The Aristocrats. It goes like this "_______ killed more Jews than Hitler." Among the funnier ones, Kelso has heard:

* Cocaine
* Pocket Aces
* Averaging-Down

Feel free to add to list and to the list of Faulknerian/Dickensian Black preacher names.

And, one last time, let's say it all together in harmony: FUCK 9/11 SIDEWAYS

Kelso's Nuts love you and will see you in a while. Maybe.