KELSO'S BACK...AS KINKY FRIEDMAN SAID ABOUT JESUS: "YOU CAN'T KEEP A GOOD MAN DOWN"

As Kelso slogs his way through all his real work, he is feeling re-invigorated by the opening of a new poker club on HIS OWN BLOCK! A very well run, spanking clean, new joint which has attracted the best and the brightest of players, dealers and hostesses. The owners all of whom are also players and have been marinating in the NYC poker scene for the last few years have adopted a strict NO CELEBRITIES POLICY. There is even a list of prime offenders to be kept out at all costs: A-ROD, BEN AFFLECK, JENNIFER TILLY, ROBERT ILER, TYSON (THE MODEL, NOT THE BOXER), ETHAN HAWKE...and everybody else. They have also taken the novel approach of running Patrolmans' Benevolent Association charity tournaments. How this works, we'll see. It's almost too good to be true. Kelso, however, is an eternal optimist and believes it can stay open. The standard of play is very high and the action quite fierce. And as with most of these spots, an atmosphere of collegiatlity, coridiality, courtesy and tolerance is pervasive. Sexism, racism, homophobia, anti-semitism, prejudice of all kinds all verboten, but dealt with openly in a fun way that recalls a fantasy of pre-Giuliani New York.

In the wee hours as a game that was as mixed as it could possibly be as to race, class, gender, religion, sexual orientation, place of origin, etc., Kelso posed this question: FUCK 9/11, why do THEY HATE US? We're nice people, all getting along having a few laughs, despite wanting to steal each others' money. General consensus on the subject was fairly pragmatic: politicians think they're not getting the taxes (they are for the most part) and don't want to seem "soft on vice," police basically following orders from above.

At any rate, this turn of events has Kelso so enthusiastic that he has gotten his zest back.

Let's do some NCAA and NFL before we get out the axe and start chopping.

* PENN STATE-15 OVER PURDON'T
* CENTRAL MICHIGAN +9 1-2 OVER TOLEDO
* OHIO U -4 OVER BUFFALO
* WESTERN MICHIGAN -6 KENT
* GEORGIA +4 OVER FLORIDA
* THE MIGHTY RUBBERS OF WATTS -29 1-2 OVER WASHINGTON STATE
* ARIZONA STATE -16 1-2 OVER WASHINGTON
* BAYLOR +11 OVER TEXAS TECH
* OREGON STATE =8 1-2 OVER ARIZONA
* NORTH TEXAS +44 OVER LSU

** BENGALS -9 1-2 OVER PACKERS
** BROWNS +2 OVER TEXANS
** DOLPHINS +2 OVER SAINTS
** BUCS -11 OVER 49ERS
** BILLS +9 OVER PATRIOTS
** JAGUARS (still OTB, but a play) OVER RAMS

Add in the Breeders' Cup (selections to follow) and it should be an action-packed weekend. The fate of the Houston Astros rests on the narrow shoulders of Brandon Backe, and it would seem that a White Sox sweep looms. While this means a small loss for Kelso in the series, it's a nice metaphor politically. The Juice Box has been filled with Bushies of all strips of White, while Ozzie Guillen has now gone on record as an ardent Hugo Chavez supporter, thoroughly nailing his colors to the mast. It will be fun to see if the Grinning Idiot will call to congratulate Ozzie. Kelso thinks another drunken, coked-out encounter -- not that there's anything wrong with that -- with a pretzel may put paid to that little call, as "Simple" Scotty McLellan does the honors, calling owner Jerry Reinsdorf with the congrats, despite Scotty probably having spent the evening watching BUTT-PLUNGING TRUCKERS with Jeff Guckert. Or at least some vintage Judy.

And on to another Judy In Disguise, the witch herself, Judy Miller. Kelso mere has been befuddled by this whole thing as Chalabi's mouthpiece is married to New York Review Of Books editor Jason Epstein, NYRB, of course, being at the far left of the mainstream spectrum. The answer apparently was to be found in one of the gossip columns of one of the NY tabs: Jason Epstein has been hosing everything that moves, and Judy's doing a little payback with column and perhaps female parts. Unlike Carville and Matalin, these two, apparently, REALLY don't like each other much anymore.

The Judith Miller affair really ought to cost war-mongering Tissue Of Lies managing editor his job. Howell Raines lost his because he let a crazed-up tunkele make shit up. This is mouse droppings in comparison to Keller's encouragement of our heinous wars. Kind of like the Lott/Frist comparison writ velly, velly large. Hell, Miller should go back to prison and Keller ought to go, too. His apologies are lame and late. And if Miller's Pulitzer is not revoked than the prize has no meaning, yet more ink has been spilled over stupid trivia like whether Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire's feats were aided by steroids and should thus preclude them from admission to the Baseball Hall Of Fame. What crap. Kelso's a bit of a steroid skeptic, and believes, by the way, that Jason Giambi's poor 2004 season was the result of a pituitary tumor and not random drug-testing. I defy any of you out there in blogland to try to play major league baseball with a pituitary tumor. None of us could get out of bed, let alone hit a few home runs.

If Ozzie Guillen can do it with much more to lose professionally, than Kelso can do it in the dark. He hates Zionism, Zionists, and wonders sometime if Israel should exist as a Jewish state at all. A secular state? All good by Kelso. True, the other Arab nations are probably MORE prejudiced against the Palestinians than the Israelis are, but let's get a little serious here. The average American Jew of the Reform sect would fit comfortably to the right of Ariel Sharon and slightly to the left of Binyamin Netanyahu on this question. Here's a news flash, Israelis don't like American interference or Americans themselves all that much and are scared to death about what the Douglas Feiths and Paul Wolfowitzes of the world are leading them into.

Kelso is pleased that the little turd who founded the overly-expensive, not particularly useful "timely market information system" is reconsidering Ground Zero plans. A memorial not designed by Maya Lin would be nice. A modest office building NOT called The Freedom Tower would be nice. A return of the Drawing Center and a Freedom Musuem not called the Freedom Museum would be nice. Not using the "families" for political ends over and over again would be nice (as would telling them to shut the fuck up) would be nice. Kelso doesn't expect anything like that from the little guy. In fact, he still makes the over/under on time to his conversion to the anti-choice cause 6 months. Kelso knows he's got everybody pissed off at him again, but can only quote his fearless leader: "BRING IT ON!" Or as Ted Williams famously said of another atrocious American, Jim Bunning, now insane right-wing Senator Jim Bunning: "Here comes Bunning, Jim fucking Bunning with his little shit slider. Let's see what you've got." Supporting illegal gambling and a two-state solution? Wishing Bill Keller into prison? Spreading gossip about Judith Miller? Making homophobic cracks about Scott McLellan? Attacking "Mike" Bloomberg? How dare Kelso?

And now let's get a little unserious. How about some contributions to that joke. Kelso has started you off with:

* cocaine
* pocket-aces
* averaging-down

...how about Jewish women, The Pick-Six, and throwing out face-cards blind in Gin Rummy?

Kelso's Nuts still love you. Next posting? Don't know when.