DUDE, DWEEBS, NO NFL, YES NHL...AND A TRIP TO "LEAVITTTOWN"

Kelso has drafted his fantasy hockey team for the 2005-06 season and here it is:

Pos Forwards/Defensemen Edit Opp Status G A +/- PIM PPP GWG
C M. Sundin (Tor - C) 31 44 11 52 29 10
C M. Handzus (Phi - C) 20 38 18 82 22 2
LW M. Naslund (Van - LW) 35 49 24 58 26 6
LW K. Tkachuk (StL - LW) 33 38 8 83 32 8
RW M. Ryder (Mon - RW) 25 38 10 26 23 4
RW A. Carter (Van - RW) 15 13 -15 20 10 4
D N. Lidstrom (Det - D) 10 28 19 18 21 3
D M. Schneider (Det - D) 14 32 22 56 20 4
D J. Liles (Col - D) 10 24 7 28 14 1
D J. Leopold (Cgy - D) 9 24 8 24 17 1
BN B. Hull (Pho - RW) 25 43 -4 12 23 6
BN P. Marleau (SJ - C) 28 29 -5 24 21 5
BN A. Brunette (Col - LW) 15 34 3 12 19 3
BN M. Parrish (NYI - RW) 24 11 8 18 7 6
BN J. Dumont (Buf - RW) 22 31 -9 40 17 1
Pos Goaltenders Edit Opp Status W GAA SV%
G D. Aebischer (Col - G) 32 2.09 .924
G D. Roloson (Min - G) 19 1.88 .933
BN M. Gerber (Car - G) 11 2.26 .918

Why is something so trivial significant enough to merit inclusion on the blog? It is a medium-stakes league with plenty of side-betting and Kelso has pledged all winnings, including regular season, championship, bets, and presses 1/2 to Stop Prison Rape, 1/4 to Code Pink, 1/4 to Gold Star Mothers For Peace.

This, of course, leads to an unbeatable DUDE OF THE WEEK despite the week's only being 14 hours old. It is Adam Liptak of The New York Times (not Tissue Of Lies) in Adam's case, for his outstanding front-page right feature on the effective loss of parole in the U.S. He pulls no punches in presenting this taboo subject starkly. Once again, "we" find ourselves at the bottom of a very bad list: average length of prison time, besting both Turkey and Saudi Arabia. Remember back in the 1980s, when "we" were usually ranked along with South Africa, Israel and the Soviet Union among developed nations in all sorts of heinous categories? And that was a far "kinder, gentler" time. Oh, how Kelso longs for the socialist golden age of Reagan and Thatcher, "our" listing alongside apartheid South Africa, war-loving Israel, and the totalitarian Soviet Union, notwithtstanding.

Liptak quite properly blames conservatives and "liberals" and the Calvinist ethic for this sad state of affairs, without ever resorting to nyperbole. He only used onc example of someone sent to prison for life without the possibility of parole for three non-violent felonies. He also calls out a "tough-on-crime" state attorney general in Pennsylvania, Ernest D. Preate, Jr., for a jailhouse conversion to the benefits of parole while serving a year for mail fraud!

He could easily have hit this part much harder. Kelso would have. Kelso loves hypocrites, perhaps because he is one. In fact, Kelso was absolutely pissing his pants with pleasure during the Winona Ryder trial. The un-estimbale Ms. Ryder, of course, campaigned tirelessly along with Marc Klaas and S.S. Attorney General Dan Lundgren throughout the state of Califonia for the first "three-strikes-and-you're-out" law. When she was caught shoplifting and in possession of opiates and benzodiazapines for which she had no prescription, the irony was absolutely beautiful, aside from the joy that big trouble had been visited upon one of the worst actresses of our generation, and has thrown her undistinguished career into the dumper. One assumes that if she is convicted of two more felonies, she will accept her life sentence without the possibility of parole graciously. As remarkable as Mr. Liptak's work today is, it would be a goddamned shame if it changed things in California enough to eliminate the delicious possibility of Winona Ryder getting hit with "natural life."

[here's a link to Liptak's article http://www.theledger.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20051002/ZNYT02/510020440]

Mr. Freakonomics, STEPHEN LEAVITT (not DAVID as Kelso erroneously called him in the last posting, confusing him with the gay plagiarist who couldn't write a grocery list) is a great proponent of today's heartless sentencing policy. Come to think of it, Mr. STEPHEN Leavitt's views and opinions and even research are kind of gay (in the sense teenagers use the word, no offense to actual gay people intended, although there's no way to make this little joke without being offensive, Kelso understands and apologizes). So, it's all a seamless web...

...which, of course, leads us to an number of strong DWEEB OF THE WEEK candidates, the contributors to today's Tissue Of Lies Sunday Magazine with the theme, "Political Capital," an open forum of conservatives of all stripes of White. As the ironies pile up, we find that Mr. Stephen "Freakonomics" Leavitt, himself, is a regular contributor to The Tissue Of Lies Sunday Magazine. All that's missing is William Bennett.

Kelso will read this magazine closely and have some DWEEB OF THE WEEK candidates in tomorrow's posting, although James "My Favorite Giuliani Moment" Traub's take on Bloomberg's mayoralty looks pretty tough to beat in this. Some final housekeeping here. Kelso has shamelessly stolen the DUDE/DWEEB of the week from Bob Raissman of the Daily News, although unlike DAVID LEAVITT, he's man enough to admit he's stealing baldly from Raissman and man enough admit his conflict of interest re Adam Liptak.

Kelso's Nuts love you.