BENNETT TO START, THURSDAY'S TISSUE OP-ED TO CLOSE

You're a repulsive sack of shit, Bill Bennett. As Kelso has mentioned in a previous post, some absurd Christian whore who attended Kelso, Jr.'s bris by some fucking accident, gave us a copy of The Book Of Virtues. Kelso used the book for toilet paper. Kelso Jr.'s fine with Babar and The Wind In The Willows, dinosaur books and baseball cards, thanks. Christian whores, btw, no longer welcome in Kelso's home. Kelso has no doubt you think he's a repulsive and immoral sack of shit. Kelso has enjoyed a wide variety of drugs and sex. And gambles for a living.

Very simple proposition. Gin Rummy, Poker or Honeymoon Bridge freezout. $100,000 a piece. In public or private. Left versus Right. Kelso understands you're a tough guy from Brooklyn. Kelso's from Manhattan, 5' 6", 165 lbs. If you weren't a drunk, doper and a sicko, you could probably drop Kelso with one punch. Kelso's coming with backup, however. Black backup. A bunch. Bring your Catholic and Baptist and fascist cops and FBI and DEA crazies so we're all good to go. No guns. No drugs. No booze. No whores, Christian or otherise. Just cards and money in the form of certified checks for $100,000. Winner keeps, loser tears. Your storm-troopers and Kelso's black folk keep it honest. Say, three muscle guys a piece work for you?

Your huge size and low-class upbringing don't scare the aristocratic Kelso one bit. Let's do this thing.

N'est pas? Pick your spot. That hotel in the East 40s known to be gambling-friendly works for Kelso. Given your habits, Kelso is sure we know plenty of people in common and can work this out.

Offer good 'til cancelled. But it goes real public in one week and everyone will know what a faggot you are if you don't respond. Kelso knows that despite the Book Of Virtues, you and your liberal brother both treasure your image as tough guys and you won't back down from this challenge.

With regard to the book Freakonomics which formed the basis of this hideous racist rant, the 13th chime went off for Kelso in a Sunday Tissue Magazine cover story about the author David Leavitt. The latter claims to have invented a "foolproof" system for beating thoroughbred racing. Kelso has spent a lifetime in racing and has put plenty of "food on his family" betting on and owning horses and came very quickly to the conclusion that there's nothing foolproof out there. It's a ball buster of a game and requires a lot of work and attention to detail to make money. And that's with a rebate. Kelso reckons that Leavitt has never even heard of the rebate and much less likely is that he has a rebate account, leaving him to the tender mercies of the full take-out. He has NO CHANCE to win and Kelso would be thrilled to hold ALL HIS HORSE ACTION. The Kelso Conclusion: Leavitt is another University Of Chicago racist dressed up in an economist's clown suit and a thus a perfect source for Bennett's (um) information.

As with the Bennett proposition for a $100,000 heads-up at Gin, Poker or Honeymoon Bridge and his offer to David Leavitt to hold all of his "fool-proof" horse action, it's all pretty simple: money talks, bullshit walks. Put up or shut the fuck up.

Kelso has revisited David Brooks's Tissue piece on DeLay, "The Designated Hitter," and on re-reading has come to the conclusion that Brooks did in fact acknowledge DeLay's role in building today's powerful GOP. Brooks, of course, wants it both ways: to be on the winning side and have clean hands. So, what he did actually was damn DeLay with faint praise. Still owes DeLay an apology. Listen, liberal and centrist Tissue readers, Brooks has never disagreed with a single public utterance of Tom DeLay. He agrees with the whole plan: power-building, war and religious social control. He just doesn't have a single hair on his ass, so he won't admit it now or ever. There is nothing "reasonable" about David Brooks. He's just another right-wing foot-soldier albeit the weakest one. The point of the piece was actually more devious on the second reading. Kelso will have to quote because he refuses to pay a cent for Times Select: "Will we learn from DeLay's fall about the self-destructive nature of the team mentality? Of course not. The Democrats have drawn the 10-years-out-of-date conclusion that in order to win, they need to be just like Tom DeLay. They need Deaniac hyperpartisanship." Ah ha, the penny drops. Now that the GOP is in complete control, Brooks wants the Democrats to cut their balls off and play nicey-nice 3rd way again. They are obviously terrified of Howard Dean and probably with good reason. Expect lots and lots of praise for Hillary and Bill Clinton from David Brooks over the next few years. Yesterday, Kelso said Dean wasn't in the same universe as DeLay on toughness. That may not be true. He can certainly raise money and certainly punch with the best. He's the perfect DNC chairman by Kelso's lights. And here are a couple of testaments, both from the campaign of 2004, one from the right (Dorothy Rabinowitz) one from the left (Richard Goldstein).

Rabinowitz: "That might have worked better coming from Howard Dean, a man to whom a touch of humor doesn't seem entirely alien, whatever other temperamental oddities he may have. From the looks of his quick transformation to the rational mode, evident this weekend, the doctor, it seems, is prepared to fight. It would be a mistake to count him out."

Note: there's a better Rabinowitz take on this subject from the fall of 2004 in the New York Post and probably the Wall Street Journal as well; Kelso is just too stupid to find it on Google.

Goldstein: http://www.thenation.com/doc/20040126/goldstein

Finally, second place in Kelso's DUDE OF THE WEEK contest goes to a fellow named John Kenney who wrote a fantastic piece of satire which showed up right next to Brooks on yesterday's Op-Ed.

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/09/29/opinion/29kenney.html?n=Top%2fOpinion%2fEditorials%20and%20Op%2dEd%2fOp%2dEd

Now, why exactly that is available for free in toto and one must pay for David Brooks's bilge is a mystery. But there you have it. Enjoy.

Kelso's Nuts love you.

More errata: the probe into Frist's sale of HCA stock from his blind trust is both criminal and civil. [Again, it is Kelso's wish that if Frist does do time, no sexual violence will be visited upon him] and the Majority Report in which Sam Seder goes off on the Tissue Of Lies was Wednesday night's not Tuesday's, so his promised skewering of Thomas Friedman may be in last night's show. Kelso will listen.