DECONSTRUCTING MCMANUS AND SOME NFL

NCAA not bad, yes?

Today's topic is Saturday's McManus Tissue Of Lies column on poker "The Sex Appeal Of Cards, and Vice Versa."

Here's the link. Please read first, because there's so much material that offends Kelso he wants to get to most of it and doesn't want to be quoting.

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/09/24/sports/othersports/24poke.html

Let's start with an overview. This column is typical of the Tissue in three ways: (1) It is notionally feminist while being thoroughly sexist, (2) It offers no knowledge on the subject of the column, to wit: poker, and (3) It is as pretentious as can be.

Let's start with the opener about a commercial for Kimono condoms. McManus raises his eyebrows a bit, attacking the ad's prurience and it's sexism. In other words,the old Andrea Dworkin/Catherine MacKinnon/Ed Meese pas-de-trois. Kelso has a different opinion. He thinks it sounds like a fun ad and all ads that promote birth control and responsible sexuality are ipso facto good. Moreover, the (er) penetration of poker into the American culture is a far healthier thing for this country than the Calvinist Myth, The Cowboy Myth, or the Rugged Individualist Myth. It creams "Fields Of Dreams" style baseball mythology and pairs nicely with, say, the role horse-racing plays in British culture.

Now, on to Kelso's views on women and poker before we dissect the stupidity of the August-September issue of Woman Poker Player that McManus seems to hold so dear. Kelso has played no-limit Hold 'Em with many, many woman over the past year and has found nothing particularly special one way or the other. We are all learning this great game and all developing our styles. There are women who play tight, some who play aggressively, some are good readers, some are bold bettors, some who are (to be fair) testosterone junkies, but mostly they like to play, win and improve their games just like men do. Kelso looks at a woman opponent as an opponent with a style to discern, just as he looks at any man. Put men and women together and of course both will be thinking of sex. Everybody thinks about sex all the time. Stop the world. The many gay men Kelso has played with were surely fantasizing about which guys at the table they'd like to fuck or be fucked by. The only thing that makes women special at a card table is the relative scarcity and that is changing by the day.

While waiting for a seat in the 2-5 NL HE at The Palms this summer, Kelso was reading the article in the issue of Woman Poker Player McManus refers to in the piece and clocked it as bullshit from the bounce. If any man playing for serious stakes is being distracted by "a flutter of your eyes, a flash of leg", that man had better find a smaller game or play online or give the whole thing up.

In Kelso's many sessions, this kind of tactic was employed against him a grand total of twice. He didn't like the effrontery and here's how he handled it. He turned the flirting thing around, took the mask off it and put both woman players on tilt. In situation one, an attractive young woman was talking about sex between every hand, making all sorts of suggestive comments to all the men she was in hands against. Kelso was getting irritated. He, ironically, caught Big Slut Suited (A-Q) and made it $25 to go. The flirt raised to $100. At this point, the likelihood was pocket Kings was the BEST she could have and if she didn't get a piece of the flop, Kelso would get her money then, but he wanted it before. Kelso normally wears a bandanna underneath a Mets cap. So, on the $100 bet, Kelso paused, said "Jeez, I don't often smell a perfume so strong at a poker table. I've got pretty bad allergies. Please dealer, give me a moment." Kelso made a big, slow show of taking off his cap, untying his rag, reaching into his pocket for some Afrin, firing two blasts into each nostril, blowing his nose into his rag, and putting the rag in his pocket. "Whoa," Kelso said, "that's better...still need some tea, though, and some Advil. Now, where were we?" The Dealer said "action's on you, sir, $100 to go." Kelso made it $300 to go and the woman folded, SHOWING Kelso pocket 7s. From that moment on, there was no more sex talk from her and she steamed and tilted away the rest of her chips and left.

Similar situation. A very attractive woman with a nice tan was doing the flirtation dance, and some similar kinds of cards came Kelso and the woman's way. The betting took a similar cast. When the action was on Kelso, he took the earphones of his I-Pod out and said: "That's pretty nice tan. I admire your courage. My dad used to publish a dermatology magazine and you couldn't believe the lesions these women would get from all that tanning. Fuck, when I go out in the sun, it's Sunblock 45. Great that you can maintain that tan without any lesions." The tan turned whitish red, Kelso raised, Tan folded. Steam. Tilt. As every man at the table forgot about sex and starting thinking about skin cancer, her stack dwindled and she was as gone as a wild goose in winter.

It's not only women who are vulnerable to this kind of tactic. Playing 5-5 NL HE in a club, Kelso was getting irritated by these punk kids high-fiving each other and bragging between hands about how many girls they fuck. Kelso made his move. There was a woman psychiatrist sitting between Kelso and the punks. She'd been having a rough night and Kelso, ever the gentleman, had chopped a 2 mg Ativan with her earlier. So, when Kelso was heads-up with one of them, and on a pure bluff, he said, "what do you reckon, Doc, these guys are pretty good lovers, no?" She, out of the hand, didn't waste a second. "No, Kelso," she said "I'd say they don't know the first fucking thing about how to please a woman." Kelso's move worked. The bravado stoppped and they were empty of cash in two hours.

[If you're out there, Northern Marty, thanks for the course in the psychology of the game!]

McManus gives some props to the newest bullshit poker manual for women, The Badass Girl's Guide To Poker by Toby Leah Buchan, which advocates more of the same flirtations and dating strategies and the like but is apparently very short on math and strategy (Kelso got this from independent research not from McManus.) A word to the wise woman: this shit ain't going to work at the higher levels. There's too much money involved, and the players are too good and too focused.

Of course, what would a Tissue Of Lies column be without intellectual pretentiousness, so McManus gives a brief synopsis of the history of the face cards on decks throughout history...yawn...followed by quotations of Edward O. Wilson and psychoanalyst Ralph Greening on cards and sexuality. At the end of the piece, Wilson, one of our great sociologists is actually twinned with the "badass" girl, Toby Leah Bochan. Kelso isn't sure what he just read, but, Mr. McManus, your tell is pretty obvious. You want to hit Ms. Buchan with the summer sausage in the worst possible way, that is if you're not doing it already.

And now, as a special treat to his loyal Floppers, here are some NFL opinons. The caveat here is that having read in a scholarly piece by a couple of U of Rochester finance professors that the NFL point-spread market is more efficient than the U.S. Treasury Bond market, Kelso does not bet pro-football until the playoffs. He will not be betting any of these games.

* TENNESSEE +6 1-2 OVER ST LOUIS
* PHILADELPHIA -9 OVER OAKLAND
* JETS -2 OVER JACKSONVILLE
* MINNESOTA -3 1-2 OVER NEW ORLEANS

Finally, continuing with yesterday's "fuck Israel" theme. Here's a gem:

http://observer.guardian.co.uk/international/story/0,6903,1577766,00.html

Kelso said it before and he'll say it again. American brethren and sistren, you want no piece of any of this.

Have a great Sunday, everybody.

Kelso's Nuts love you.