POLITICS N TRICKS AND A TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE WITH OUR BODIES, OURSELVES

Now that the 9/11 bathos is done, let's get down to business.

Kelso has re-visited the Kerry/Weld Massachusetts Senate matchup of 1996 for some clues as to how a Spitzer/Weld matchup in 2005 for Governor might look. The parallels are pretty striking, on economic issues Weld ran a pretty standard 1996 Republican campaign touting his budget balancing mixed with many tax cuts for business as Governor. Kerry did the Rose Garden thing, pretty much tying himself to Clinton's economic policy and trying to tie Weld to Gingrich. On social issues, Weld got solidly to Kerry's left on abortion, drugs and the heavy-handedness of Clinton's crime bill. Kerry, in a move very reminiscent of the 2004 Presidential campaign, ran away kicking and screaming from his rather courageous vote against the Defense Of Marriage Act. Weld did everything with a chuckle and a grin while Kerry was a serious as a heart attack. Ultimately, TK's blessing got Kerry by Weld on the social issues and the Democratic registration edge was too much for Weld.

It's looking quite similar in 2005. Assuming Weld can get past the usual assortment of Catholic abortion crazies in the Republican primary, and Spitzer can get past Suozzi in the Democratic primary, we'll have 1996 redux. Spitzer will run on his ersatz record as a reformer, crusader and Wall Street Policeman, while Weld will do the kick-back thing again, running on his wit, charm and unpredictability. Spitzer, like Kerry, has left Weld ample room to his left on social issues, having been a strong advocate of everything Bush on foreign policy and crime, Weld's recent conversion to anti-late term abortion notwithstanding. He has also left Weld lots of room on his right on business and taxes. Spitzer has been a hideous attorney general in this regard, meting out favors and punishment to Wall Street as a Roman Emperor would, while doing nothing to reform the malfeasance and everything to shake down investment banks and hedge funds for campaign contributions. The Tissue Of Lies has decided to make Spitzer's version of reality the received wisdom -- that he's been some Jewish combo of Teddy and Franklin Roosevelt. Hogwash. Kelso does not expect to see real change and real "trust-busting" v2005, so he likes the lighter regulatory touch and lower taxes.

The visuals cut very nicely for Weld. The nervous, angry, twitchy, scolding Spitzer will look like crap against Weld's witty, patrician, unflappable style. Unless Suozzi puts a scare into Spitzer in the primary which is not impossible, expect Spitzer not to make any of Kerry's mistakes and just stick to the line, and hope Hillary and Schumer can get him past some of us social radicals on the issues there. Weld will run a strong counter-punching campaign but will need to get lucky to catch Spitzer's chin. Spitzer will leave it open, but Weld has to seize the moment, perhaps demonstrating with facts and figures in the debates and the commercials just how selective Spitzer has been as to finanacial regulation. And what bullshit the reputation is. Charm alone will not get the job done for Weld because, as in Massachusetts in 1996, the Democratic registration edge is too much to overcome. Spitzer would have to be considered a heavy favorite from here, maybe on the order of -$4.00, take back +$3.50 with Weld.

Now what is it exactly that Kelso likes about this Republican who once said he's with Newt Gingrich "100%"? Aside from his loathing of Spitzer, perhaps Kelso is put in the mind of a nicer time in New York by the High Church Protestant. Basically, Kelso is thinking of the time when the High Church Protestants still ran things here. Politically, it was a more idealistic time, and culturally it was much more fun. Perhaps, Kelso is just reviewing his boyhood, adolescence and young adulthood with rose-colored glasses. But, shit, man. What a time! Jimmy Carter was the right-wing alternative for President versus Bayh, Harris, Udall and (later) TK and the right-wing alternative to Gerald Ford for President (don't believe? check out Alexander Cockburn for details). Punk rock and all the drugs. Outstanding.

Selfishly speaking, it was an easier time to be Jewish in the city. Nowadays, shit, smart Jewish boys are a dime a dozen. Kelso, who is a total limousine whatever, couldn't get his son into his own alma mater despite Jr.'s sparkling 99+ on the verbal portion of the ERB.

Back then, the preppies were total tourists when it came to every game like poker or backgammon or gin or Scrabble or chess or checkers. Or anything remotely academic or literary. The only things the preppies did better than us were rugby and lacrosse (and the best lacrosse player Kelso ever knew was an Argentinian tribester at Gilman in Baltimore no less!). It was also open season on their girls. A couple of jokes, some of the white stuff, and it was over with. Then it was down to doing that particular thing that Jewish guys are famous for -- and it was really over with! What the goyish guys never understood is that back among the tribe, every Jewish girl owned a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves, which was this awesome sex manual for girls. Teenage girls being way more confident than nervous teenage boys, really put us through our paces with that goddamned book, so we were ready. Great fun. You HAD to be ready, though; you got your marching orders and you learned just what to do. The sistren took all the starch out any of our macho pretentions. The Clash (40% Jewish?)song "Lover's Rock" is as good an anthem as any on this subject.

Now with all the chazzers and the bling-bling, even adolescents have to come out of the pocket to knock it. Kelso's just happy he has a boy, which means that he won't have to shell out for clothes and shoes, and that maybe a nice baseball glove and a set of golf clubs will suffice as big ticket items for Kelso, Jr., and a nice piece of Kelso's money from the "underground" economy (fuck you Spitzer for fucking up internet gambling from New York State; sorry, twat, there is ZERO TRUTH to the rumor that Al-Qaida is laudering money on football games!)can just go into Jr's pocket as readies. A final cultural note as we are still in the realm of the unspeakable. Kelso has spent the last two summers in the Hamptons, having done it with the greater Kelso family from 1969-1981, and on balance he does not see Puff Daddy and Bruce Ratner's presence at polo matches that Kelso certainly would have been barred from back in the day as any sign of social progress. Whether it's a sign of regress is irrelevant because, well, never mind New Orleans, visit Camden, New Jersey, sometime or any place in coal country.

Though the segue would have been pretty seamless, Kelso will pick up on Elizabeth Bumiller's piece in the Tissue on Bush's loss of ground with African-American voters over the handling of Katrina in tomorrow's posting.

Tomorrow is primary day here. Kelso is a registered Democrat and is going this way: Suozzi for Governor, Miller for Mayor, Markewich for Surrogate (she has been Kelso's friend since 1971), Ellner for Borough President, Stringer for whatever the Stringers of the world go for, and he'll guess on the rest.

Kelso's Nuts love you and wonder if that old Our Bodies, Ourselves is still in print. Kelso wants Jr to be good to go on that front and being with a girl who knows that book is the best way.