SPORTS SATURDAY

As usual, we begin with NCAA football:

* NEW MEXICO STATE +29 OVER CALIFORNIA
* NORTHWESTERN +7 OVER PENN STATE
* SOUTH FLORIDA +22 OVER LOUISVILLE
* TEMPLE +3 1-2 OVER WESTERN MICHIGAN
* AKRON +6 OVER NORTHERN ILLINOIS
* TROY STATE + 18 1-2 OVER SOUTH CAROLINA
* ARKANSAS STATE -10 OVER FLORIDA INTERNATIONAL
* RICE +6 OVER NAVY (POSTPONED)
* SMU +4 OVER TULANE
* BROWN +10 1-2 OVER HARVARD

As Kelso types the Blue Jays are putting a bit of a hurting on Rudy Giuliani's Girls, and we await the Sawx tonight against the Birds.

On the cultural front, no fucking tickets available for CITIZEN COPE at Irving Plaza this weekend. No juice to get them. And no babysitter for tonight.

Looks quiet politically. Satan goes in for aneurysm surgery and should come out fine. One reckons that as he's just interested in getting ALL THE MONEY it's better that he stay alive, preventing the REALLY evilly Rove & Guckert-esque shit from going down now that W is getting ripped every day. No cocksucking in the Tissue today, except a little something something from John Tierney about the evils of "The New Deal." Is that a dead horse or what? When's Brooks going to weigh in on how awful the tax-breaks for casino rebuilding in Louisiana and Mississippi is? He is a very moral and fair man, see. You know it's coming. Kelso doesn't mind the tax incentives for casinos. After oil, gambling is 2nd largest Gulf business and they need it. W and T.D. Jakes may have a difference of opinion on this one unless the piggy Jaker gets his over-ride on the hold. Any anything the Republicans do to fuck the Christian Crazies is OK by K, which leads to...

...Kelso is late in his Wayne's World "I'm Not Worthy" salaam to Senator Barbara Mikulski of Maryland for taking Jon Kyl's anti-gambling measure out of the appropriations bill and flicking it away like a dead cockroach. Good on you, Little Barbara. And have fun against Pederson, you dumb religious fuck, Kyl. On the subject of Arizona senators, it's a sorrowful thing what happened in the ring last Saturday, but please St. John McCain, don't fuck with boxing, mmmkay? The final sports note is this: Kelso is glad that fuck-head Spitzer brought charges against the perpetrators of the over-weight scam at the New York Racing Association, because Kelso believes in honesty in sports, but two issues come to mind (1) Why not raise the scale to 126 lbs, so there's no temptation to do this shit and these magnificent athletes don't have to be bulemic and (2) You know Spitzer and his dad want a piece of NYRA when it's privatized and the abandonment of the federal indictment earlier in the week made that less likely. William Weld, go on, my son. By the way, the 126 (9-stone) scale works perfectly in big-time racing in Europe, and allows for natural lightweights to have even more of an advantage than they do here, while allowing the older jockeys to continue to earn a safe living. And what's Kentucky doing? Does Kelso really have to say? Doing everything they can to breakthe Guild. Wonderful. Not that it's not typical.

Why so much sports today? Because fuck Israel, that's why. Kelso knows that his brethren and certainly sistren here in Gotham care more about Israel than sports and Kelso's not down with it. Kelso revels in his American-ness and for some reason there seems to be an anti-correlation of sports with uncritical love of Israel for American Jews. Kelso also don't like the way his brethren and sistren love that war in Iraq thinking it will redound to Israel's benefit. Kelso could be wrong about this. Kelso HOPES he's wrong about this, because he would like to feel a kinship with his Mediterranean cousins and understand the need for this state. Kelso actually believes Israelis themselves are good people. Just the way he believes that Rudy Giuliani's Girls are good players. It's just the fans he hates. So, let's leave it like that: Israel is like the New York Yankees--great team, horrible fans. There's just too much rhetoric and realpolitik in the way. So, hostility works just fine for now.

No likey? Kelso's over the top? Self-hating Jew? Viddy this, asshole:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20050924/ts_nm/mideast_assassinations_dc

More ass-fucking from Kelso. Kelso Sr., and Kelso will never stop repeating this, served his country with distinction and used the GI Bill to provide Kelso and his sister with a comfortable childhood, has been on the subject of Affimative Action and Quotas. Sr. likey both velly, velly much. Kelso does too. Don't like it, Whitey? Study harder in school and apply to more colleges, grad schools, etc. Oh boo-hoo, you had to go to SUNY-Albany instead of Vassar. Big fucking deal. Otherwise, we're getting Civil War and nobody wants that.

Tomorrow, we'll do McManus on poker from today's Tissue and maybe some NFL.

Energy futures analysis coming. Kelso promises.

Kelso's Nuts love you very much.