AHH, VINDICATION AT LAST (AND KELSO DOES NOT MEAN TOM DeLAY)

Either trust Kelso on this, or go visit Air America Place and download Tuesday's Majority Report. Toward the tail end of the show, host Sam Seder says "THE NEW YORK TIMES IS NOT YOUR FRIEND." The show, of course, being intended for a left-wing audience. He made brief mention of how much he loathes Thomas Friedman and rued not having enough time to tear into his Tuesday Tissue piece on Iraq. With contempt in his voice, Seder sez: "Oh, everybody loves Thomas Friedman because he seems so reasonable and loves to travel." Awesome!

Continuing on the same theme, and warming Kelso's Nuts as never before, Mr. Seder goes on to say what a tool Adam Nagourney is and cites a study of every headline of every article he wrote for the Tissue. Apparently, there were 50 or so and about 49 of them attacked the Democratic party for being "out of the mainstream," or just plain attacked. In politics, 60/40 is a landslide. 98/2 is Stalinism. In journalism, it's statistically-significant evidence of, yes, bias. Hey, Adam, you dumbshit, it's the Democrats that are FOR gay rights. A shake of the head is all Kelso can manage.

(With apologies to Bob Raissman of the Daily News), Sam Seder, you are Kelso's Nuts's DUDE OF THE WEEK. Kelso is looking forward to listening to the archived version of last night's Majority Report and is hoping Sam is good to his word and will pick apart The Walrus's idiotic ramblings on Iraq.

Kelso is of two minds on Tom DeLay. Of course, he is loving this because DeLay is such a dick, but DeLay is just a power-mad, greedy dick. He could always be counted upon to crush all of Senator Jon Kyl's (R-ARZ) efforts to make internet gambling illegal, by stuffing the House version in committee, all the while seeming to support it on Christian grounds. Don't know how good Roy Blunt is going to be about this. He's another Christian crazy, but almost as corrupt as DeLay, at least according the the independent watchdogs, so Kelso's going to wait and see. If it's going to be a Southerner, Kelso would prefer a Majority Leader from a pro-gambling state, but who knows, maybe Blunt will bring Alabama into line with Mississippi, Louisiana and Texas on that score.

The worst hypocrite so far has been David Brooks in the Tissue Of Lies. He's now up on his high horse about how now that the evil DeLay has been dispensed with, the noble Neo-Conservatives can go about their business of making the world a better place. Some questions for Mr. Brooks: who exactly do you think did the heavy lifting to get your sorry ass to a point where you could even ponder an endless War for the Liberation of the People of Iraq? Who got you to the point where you could impose PATRIOTS I & II on us? Who got you in a position to privatize and moralize and globalize and do this fucking Israel/Saudi Arabia dance? Who got the Christians on the bus with Israel in the first place? And you neo-con fucks have the time to ponder the weighty moral questions without about how many would die. And write cutesy little cunt books like Bobos In Paradise, safe in the knowledge that every election would be stolen and the Bush Crime Family would be in charge forever. IT WAS TOM DELAY (AND RALPH REED AND JACK ABRAMOFF) YOU HYPOCRITICAL, UNGRATEFUL, LITTLE WEAKLING. You owe DeLay thanks, an apology and some support.

Kelso's not down with any of that. He loathes the Bush Crime Family. He's a left-libertarian and despises the moralizing, is pro-peace, and pro-affirmative action, but he kind of respects DeLay's toughness. DeLay doesn't take any shit. When these storm clouds started gathering in April, DeLay didn't fold. He shoved Terry Schiavo up the nation's ass, crippling his rival Frist in the process. If only the Democrats had someone that tough and that clever. Howard Dean is the best they've got and he's not in the same universe as DeLay. And they're afraid to let Dean do the heavy-lifting, banking as they are on the soft, third-way accomodational politics of the Clintons, Lieberman, Gore, Kerry, etc. Plenty of precedence for this as afraid of Teddy Kennedy as the chickenshits have been in the past.

Kelso figures that with the scandal widening and all of DeLay's other "issues," he's probably going to lose his seat to the Democrat who threw a scare into him last time and end up spending some time as a guest of the state of Texas. This is probably all for the best, although Kelso wishes no sexual violence upon DeLay, regardless of his uncompromising "tough-on-crime" stance previous. DeLay will do his time and will be back in action and not as a noodling, Newt Gingrich nincompoop. He'll be a player again. Bill Frist not so much. His fate will be worse. He'll probably end up having to disgorge all of the HCA profits plus a hefty federal civil fine on top. Hundreds of millions. And his career is in dumper. Kelso reckons Frist surgical skills are long-gone and he'll have to spend the rest of his days living off what he's already stolen and hidden and maybe be a country doctor or something. If Kelso were Phil Bresenden, he'd be out raising money for Frist's Senate seat yesterday. Trent Lott may have lost his house, but he's got to be loving this. Let's compare now. What did Lott do that cost him his leadership role? He got drunk and said something stupid at a party. What did Frist do? Only steal millions, maybe a billion.

Kelso was close on the Roberts vote but couldn't quite spear the number perfectly. 3 off. Still, Kelso's going to give himself 3 bells for handicapping that one pretty well...

...and his Nuts love you very much. Bill Bennett tomorrow. Here's your homework, by the way. It's going to be fun.

http://abcnews.go.com/WNT/Politics/story?id=1171385&page=1