KELSO GOES LARRY KING ON YOUR ASS; SOME FINAL PRIMARY THOUGHTS (JEEZ THAT WAS DUMB); ONE OF THE TISSUES'S UGLY BROADS WRINGS HER HANDS BUT...COULD THIS SAVE MARYLAND RACING? A DIRGE FOR THE INTELLECTUAL LIFE OF NYC

Kelso was picking up his medications from one of the thousand Duane Reade Pharmacies when he noticed that he was hearing for the third time in about a week the 1974 Lite C & W hit "Please Come To Boston" by Dave Loggins. This song now seems to be a favorite on tape loops in airports, casinos, drug stores and the like and Kelso likey. He usually likes very hard music and/or music with a strong poltical bite, but he finds this song no less affecting at 44 than he did at 13, especially considering the number of long-distance romances and affairs he has had in the intervening years.

After picking up the drugs and experiencing the musical reverie, Kelso did his civic duty and voted in the New York Democratic primary. Spitzer versus Suozzi was NOT an option, strangely, but he essentially did what he wrote yesterday: Miller for Mayor, Markewich for Surrogate, Siegel for Public Advocate, and Ellner for Manhattan Borough President. The latter presented the only difficult choice for Kelso, as Ellner was against a full field of 12 including the estimable Scott Stringer and Keith Wright. Stringer has been an honorable public servant for many years around here and would make an excellent Borough President, as would Keith Wright, who is possibly the savior of a dying Harlem machine, black political power having shifted to Brooklyn long ago. In the end, Kelso saw the most long-term promise in Ellner who is their equal on the issues but younger, openly gay and from Kelso's bend in the river. Flopppers know how much Kelso has appreciated his long-standing friendship with Eve Markewich, but they don't know the perverse delight he took in voting for Norman Siegel over the useless Betsy Gotbaum and Andrew Rasiej. Gotbaum's just been a place holder, but as Rasiej has hit Mrs. Kelso with the Polish Sausage back in the day (hell, maybe yesterday!) and his "wi-fi for all" comes straight out of the Newt Gingrich/George Bush Jr./Michael Chertoff/FEMA playbook, Kelso is glad he did his tiny part to fuck the guy sideways. He's a dead piece anyway. Kelso makes Gotbaum 1-5 the field. Don't like it, insenstive rich boy? You know where to find Kelso and Mrs. Kelso's yours for the taking. The era of Kelso giving a shit is long gone. Kelso's only concern is the poor influence you might have on Kelso Jr. Doesn't want him in bad situations; doesn't want him hanging aroung with right-wing third-way shit. Anything happens to Kelso Jr., you die, plain and simple. Get that Rudy and Newt -- the visionary wi-fi guy dies.

Not a bad idea, actually. You want Mrs. Kelso? She's yours, no argument. I'll lay it down like 7-4 off-suit. Although you gots to support her Irving Plaza-style. Kelso's not forking over shit. Anything happens to Kelso, Jr., buddy, watch your back forever. Maybe Joe Lieberman will protect you. Or the Office Of Homeland Security. Or some Appaliachians just show up somewhere someday. Who can say what the future brings? A dollar-get-a-dime you've called police already. Faggot.

Speaking of NYC poltics, Kelso recommends Floppers check out Diane Cardwell's piece on the Mayoral race in Monday's Tissue, Metro Section, page B1. It's anecdotal, of course, but written with wit and style and really paints a nice verbal picture of the scene. Check out the shit on Anthony Weiner, especially his empahsis on "discipline in schools." She cites one voter and his public-school age son worrying if this meant a return of corporal punishment. From what Kelso hears, a little "discipline" of it's own kind was going on in the Washington apartment of Hymie The Congressboy. And perhaps more needed if the really licentious rumors are true. Conflict Of Interest Alert: Ms. Cardwell is also a friend of Kelso's dating back to the late 1970s. He hopes she did not take offense at Kelso's unkind remarks about her amour, Malcolm Gladwell, and the pseudo-science Kelso believes Mr. Gladwell is selling. If she's any kind of NYC woman, she's probably already needled him about it! Ms. Cardwell is anything but an ugly broad, by the way. Trust Kelso on this.

And now on the the main event. Monday's Tissue, page A17, Elisabeth Bummiller's White House Letter, "Gulf Coast Isn't the Only Thing Left in Tatters; Bush's Status With Blacks Takes A Hit". A preamble before Kelso comes out swinging. Kelso has referred to a business partner, very close friend and MBA classmate who is a movement conservative. Kelso and this fellow shared a Rotisserie Baseball Team in business school called, appropriately, "Crossfire". We never miss a chance to cover the political waterfront and NEVER argue, but always try to top the other by taking the more unconventional stand for our leanings. Some months ago, Kelso's partner mentioned that if the Republicans can lock up just 15% of the African-American vote, and it was certainly trending that way, their government as it stands now would be permanent. Kelso saw no reason to dispute this -- Democratic pollster Stan Greenberg having said that the two most reliable cohorts of Democratic voters being Blacks and women with post-graduate degrees, nothing to compare with the Republicans' huge edge with Christian Crazies: 25% of electorate! -- and began look for ways to express that viewpoint in the betting markets.

The Administration's negligent preparation and callous response to Hurricane Katrina has probably reversed above trend for good, and Bumiller's got her XXL Sears Cotton Panties in a huge twist about it. 8 quotations, including the final 6, from administration sources and lawn-jockeys as against two in opposition: Kanye West and Howard Dean. Bumiller wasted no time citing with palpable excitement the prospective dual appearance in New Orleans with W of T.D. Jakes "the conservative African-American television evangelist and the founder of a 30,000-member megachurch in southwest Dallas...The Bishop's style of preaching is black Pentacostal -- he roars and rumbles in performances that got him on the cover of Time magazine as "America's best preacher" in 2001...." That's just dandy, isn't it, Liz. Sorry, bitch, it's over. Your boys' gooses are cooked. Black vote goes back to 98%/2%, and if they don't steal the next two upcoming national elections, the Republicans just might be cracked for good. If they do steal it in 2006 (Kelso's version of a theft would be a Republican increase in both houses despite hideous approval ratings, two wars, two more coming, high gas prices, looming inflation, a completely fucked economy and a beggared dollar in the mid-term of a second-term presidency), expect Civil War. Not North versus South, but house-to-house throughout the land, a la Espana, with perhaps a dictator or a Republic emerging from the blood in the streets. If everything goes according to Hoyle, Liz, and you still have your job at the Tissue or some other paper, but if haven't lost your taste for W and Dick's dicks, don't worry. President Edwards will be mighty cute, too. And maybe, just maybe, given your wretched morals, you can sneak in there to deliver the flag salute to John as Elizabeth Edwards goes through cancer treatment. I think JE would pass. Sorry about that. Well, you can go back to writing about how he's an "evil trial lawyer". If you're still alive post Civil-War that is.

Sorry about that Flopper G. You know Kelso is nobody's (or everybody's)sexist, but it's the "dozens" out here in the blogosphere. Cardwell is lucky because she's a great journalist and pretty to boot. Elisabeth Bumiller has blood on her hands, is tough on the eyes, has either cowardice in spades or a vicious political agenda, and couldn't write a verse to "The Itsy-Bitsy Spider". Wasn't that Prince Regent W's favorite book?

What could any of this possibly have to do with the state of thorougbred racing in Maryland? Well, it was a coalition of the T.J. Jakeses of the community combined with a couple of liberal do-gooders that doomed the limited slot-machine bill that would have brought Maryland racing back past West Virginia and Pennsylvania into it's place of prominence in the racing world. The preachers, of course, have no problemo with Philip Morris, Anheuser-Busch, and all the purveyors of malt liquor of course. This is no small matter, as Kelso has mentioned this summer, Maryland has the largest contingent of African-American thoroughbred owners, trainers and jockeys in the country. If it weren't such a wretched place to run, Kelso would be thrilled to claim his next horse there with Hamilton Smith. Kelso has gotten up on the pulpit to scold White America on their cognitive dissonance. It is time for him to mount the pulpit to scold Black America. Friends, tell Kelso truthfully: do you really see Dr. King or Rev. Abernathy when you see the likes of fascist, lawn-jockey vampires like Jakes? How could you? You're too sharp for that. Leave that bullshit to a couple of grandmothers and take care of your own business and survival YOUR WAY. Believe it or not, White America needs your strength right now as we have none of our own. Tell these jack-legs where to go. Get the slots bill for Laurel, Pimlico and Timonium Fair passed even though it's a measure supported by Republican Governor Ehrlich and then teach these traitorous preachers in your midst a thing or two. Kelso has no problem with anyone who accepts the teachings of Jesus. He only loathes those who use public religion for private gain.

And a final, slightly maudlin note from back here in NYC. Kelso was playing 2-5 NL HE at the "other" maybe not so gay-friendly club on the East Side last night and was completely overmatched. 4th or 5th best at the table which included one of the city's top pros. Kelso was fighting his own game all night and having a devil of a time with the better players. He lost three nickel racks and went home. That's not the point. The loss was de minimis and he reckognized some of his own mistakes and caught a few pointers from the better players. Kelso treats sessions like these with no ego whatsoever and is always happy to congratulate a guy who beats him. What surprised Kelso was when, between hands, Kelso asked what he thought the table's consensus on the total votes to confirm Roberts in the Senate would be. Kelso offered the opinion that 94" Flat was the right number. Around the table, NOT A SINGLE PLAYER KNEW WHO JOHN ROBERTS IS! Only a man with a chance to be the 17th Chief Justice Of The United States Supreme Court. Oh, there was a guy who knew who Roberts is but admitted to be ashamed of that knowledge. Others grumbled "if it doesn't have to do with poker, I don't give a shit." Kelso, feeling a little humbled by being "the fool in the game" couldn't resist needling a little and said: "It's important to maintain a catholicity of interests, guys". One actually conceded that point to Kelso!

Two passing cultural points off this and then bye-bye. The standard of poker is so high in NYC because of the players' single-minded dedication to the game. This can only help the small c catholic Kelso, as he learns from these obsessives. Moreover, it puts the lie to this idea that somehow New Yorkers are "smarter" than anybody else. We are not. And we are certainly not more intellectually curious than anybody else, East, West North and, yes, South. Our heinous accent masks NOTHING. An anti-intellectual spirit runs high, wide and deep here and one can only hope it reached its apotheosis during the Rudy Giuliani days. Rudy's own yucky gangster impressions just reinforced that shit. Perhaps, the best cultural icon to hit NY has been Tony Soprano who has moved the intellectual vibe ever so slightly in the right direction. Oh, the other myth about NY-ers is that they know more about sports than anyone else. Bullshit. Go to Boston or St. Louis and then tell Kelso that. And as for NYC's intellectuals show me one fuckhead in Williamsburg that could imagine ivy up a wall.

Kelso's Nuts love you.