RAGGEDY AND LOST
HAPPY 43RD, MISTER YU. KEEP FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT AND WRINGING EVERY DROP OUT OF LIFE. AND SHARPEN UP THAT BRIDGE, MAN, KELSO WANTS YOU TO APPEAR FROM OUT OF THE EAST (OR OUT OF THE GROUND, both decent racehorses of the late 70s, btw) TO PUT THE HURTIN ON SCHWARTZ, CAYNE AND THE REST OF DEEZ BUMS. BELTRAN BUNTING WITH 2 ON, NOBODY OUT, FROM THE THIRD SPOT IN THE ORDER, MY GOD!
Want to be blown away, Floppers? Check out my man's blog:
http://asianimages.blogspot.com
Kelso had a very deep man-to-man discussion with an old and dear friend last night that lasted many hours and many whiskeys. All Kelso can say is that he hoped he was kind and helpful to his friend. He certainly got some wisdom back in return, which is not surprising given that this fellow had always been a great listener and rational responder ever since Kelso first made his acquaintance in 1980.
Kelso's feeling a little raggedy right now. Advil, Gatorade and Black Tea for the time being and then some soup. The day presents many challenges -- thoroughbred racing fucking EVERYWHERE, the need to revise baseball model for playoffs, the need to start putting the hockey model back together, or maybe catch up on some sleep. OH Kelso also has to tend to his other business. Going to see THE CONSTANT GARDENER with Mrs. Kelso tonight, and Kelso does not want to be tired. A trip to the deli for soup and a visit to the newsstand to see if the hockey magazines are out maybe the immediate order of the day. So, you wanted to be an entrepreneur, a professional gambler and move money?...This is what it's like to be Kelso. Boring.
Let's do a little Tissue and then Kelso has to get working. Only The Walrus's op-ed pieces from Singapore have been scalding Kelso's Nuts. Cutie-Pie Bumiller gave a reasonable reporting of Bush's speech with maybe a tiny little hand-job, but she basically stuck to the facts. Friedman's bilge, of course, is intolerable. And it appears that the Tissue's less credulous readers have twigged. Singapore IS Disneyland with the death penalty. Kelso knows this from a former business partner who had started an options business there on behalf of one of the large IBs. Of course, Friedman likes this. Kelso thinks that Friedman is straight, but he could easily imagine the Walrus in Montgomery Burns mode, rubbing his hands together, saying "excellent, Smithers...we must bring these concepts back to the USA forthwith...now bring me my robe..." Kelso's vision of the country he loves is not Singapore. Not the culture, not that crappy shadow theater, not their educational system and certainly not their fascist government. By comparison with Singapore, George W. Bush doesn't have a patch on the PM of Iceland in terms of liberalism. Walrus, find me the smartest 5 1-2 year-old Singaporean boy and Kelso will put Jr. against him in anything. You have to lay $2 million to Kelso's $50K because you're getting to pick from an unlimited pool while Kelso only has Kelso Jr. to offer up as a product of our public schools. You've probably gotten Kelso crushed on the odds, but Kelso will take his chances. You'll never do it, of course, for two reasons (1) YOU ARE AFRAID OF YOUR OWN SHADOW and (2) GAMBLING IS ILLEGAL IN SINGAPORE, UNLICENSED GAMBLING DOUBLY SO, GAMBLING INVOLVING CHILDREN TRIPLY SO, AND KELSO KNOWS YOU DON'T WANT A CANING AND A FEW YEARS IN STIR, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU'D LIKE TO SEE OTHERS CANED AND JAILED. In other words, Kelso will "eat your lunch."
Kelso confesses to be as baffled by John Roberts as the Democratic Caucus of the United States seems to be. Kelso was at first under the impression that while Roberts might or might not agree with the Roe v Wade ruling, he did find a right to privacy in the constitution. Further questioning by Democrats has cast that in doubt a bit. Kelso's take on the vote was 94 ayes, 6 nays. Then it was 91 ayes, 9 nays. He's reading that there may be a party-line vote and possibly a filibuster. Neither will happen, of course, but the number is now looking somewhere in the middle, on the order of 72 aye, 28 nay. With less liberal nays looking for a wan way to protest the whole Katrina er "thing", now that Bushie is appearing velly, velly weak. As much as Kelso would like to bend these monsters over, Roberts looks OK, and has the intellectual weight to fight off the Organ-Grinder and his trained Monkey. So, if Kelso were a Democratic senator, he probably vote "aye" and pick a better battle. Like Iraq. Afghansitan. No war in Iran or Venezuela. Re-visit PATRIOT II. Lots of good work to be done. Roberts is bad, but hardly the worst.
Here's an entrepreneurial idea free of charge from Kelso: Fleur-De-Lis pins. Kelso is only half-joking, of course. They would look cool. Would make great replacements for those hideous flag pins and yellow ribbons. And would sell out. Kelso doesn't believe in any form of censorship, but is now wondering if someone has started printing up those "I SURVIVED KATRINA" T-shirts and if they're selling. Kelso's crass, but that would take the cake, no?
No sports today, Kelso is in agony over Schilling's performance and the Girls' cheap win.
Kelso's Nuts love you.
4 comments:
On the subject of the Supreme Court and, Kelso's favorite topic, Liberals who screw themselves trying to seem "fair," how can we forget Mario Cuomo's support of Scalia? If I remember right, he said "Any Senator who votes against Nino has the answer to ME!"
This had a big impact at the time because he had gravitas then. But Cuomo was an idiot, in the end, wasn't he Kelso?
And a PS -- I have flown millions of miles on business, and the biggest drunken jerk I have ever seen is Andrew Cuomo. Hitting on the stewardesses, shouting and guffawing ... Vulgar and dumb as a post too. Also once sat near Bob Dylan, but he said not a word and was dressed like the unabomber.
H:
Kelso is no fan of Mario or Andrew Cuomo. The former was an atrocious governor of NYS doling out every favor to every developer he could find, jerking off his own presidential ambititons, playing coy on abortion, and trying to win over liberals by vetoing death penalty each time (Kelso is anti-death pentalty, btw). He should have told Giuliani "thanks but no thanks for the endorsement" in 1994. For some reason. As for Andrew Cuomo, the mere fact that Carl McCall cleaned his clock in the last Deomocratic Gubernatorial Primary tells you all you need about Andrew. Let him be a dog, but he's never going anywhere in politics.
For some reason, and this will be of particular resonarnce to you, H, it was during the race for Governor in NYS in 1994 that Kelso first twigged to the idea that Kabbalah/Mind-Body Man couldn't get out of his own way -- 2000 IQ nothwithstanding. Word to the motherfucker. Want to teach? Publish and take a job a Towson State and move your way up like everyone else. You're too toy to fuck Madonna or Winona Ryder so give up the Kabbalah; everyone in academe is a Cartesian and knows Kabbalah is for shit.
Kelso proposes a bet: he uses arithmetic, you use Kabbalah, any game any stakes.
This is 135 IQ Kelso talking to the 10 zillion IQ Kabbalah man, but as Kelso STILL loves you after all the neurotic paranoid shit, take him at his word. Still haven't beat Kelso at the dozens, still haven't had as many women, still can't make the scene, dude. Reconsider the plan. You've got a shot to make a fine scholar. Not getting any younger; don't fuck this up.
Lurve,
Kelso
Oh gee whiz, lost in all that reverie, was the response Kelso owed Harvey.
Of course, Cuomo was an idiot in the end. Kelso had forgotten the "Nino" quote and he prides himself on 80s trivia. Good back and forth of old-time Letterman jokes last week, no?
This leads to a point Kelso has been wanting to make for a while. Will be in Saturday's.
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