HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MRS. K -- SO IT'S THE MUSIC EDITION

With the sad news that Rudy Giuliani's Girls are now holding a 1/2 game lead on the Sawx, Roberts passing committee 13-5, all quiet on the mayoral front, and Bush completely fucked, it's as good a time as any to honor a Flopper's request and do some music.

Generally speaking, Kelso's getting a little old to keep up and tends to think now when he sees a musician or actor for that matter on TV that he'd like to be sitting across from the person in the poker room at the Wynn -- and not that they are artists of any kind. See, the truth is that there is no person like the character Brad Pitt plays in Ocean's Eleven, a celebrity poker coach, or if there is, he's no fucking good.

Kelso is still not sold completely on either Kanye West or Jay-Z. Kelso likes a little less God and a little more bite and no bling-bling at all. There is something interesting out there, though. He goes by the name CITIZEN COPE. Has two CDs. Both outstanding. Must buys.

Here's a partial list of some older stuff that may have slipped through the cracks (in no particular order:

FIREHOSE: "Flyin' The Flannel"
THE QUEERS: "Punk Rock Confidential"
DANIELLE HOWLE: "About To Burst"
THE COOLIES: "Take That You Bastards!"
THE COUP: "Steal This Double Album"
STIFF LITTLE FINGERS: "...Now Then"
PARIS: "Sleeping With The Enemy"
TOM ROBINSON BAND: "Power In The Darkness"
TOM ROBINSON BAND: "TRB II"
THE ONLY ONES: "Special View"
THE ONLY ONES: "John Peel Sessions"
THE ZAMBONIS: "More Songs About Hockey"
ICE CUBE: "The Predator"
HAMMERBOX: "Hammerbox"
SON VOLT: "Trace"
WEIRD PAUL: "Weird Paul"
WRECKLESS ERIC: "Big Smash"

and, of course, BONO, ANNIE LENNOX, PRINCE & STING....that's a joke, by the way.

Now, a few words against Lauryn Hill and Wyclef Jean. Kelso liked the 1996 Fugees' effort, The Score, velly, velly much, but smelled a rat from the beginning when during a live performance, they dissed the Wu-Tang Clan for no apparent reason. Well, the reasons became apparent post-haste. Go back and listen to The Score. You'll hear a perfectly serviceable rap CD with a nice blend of the tough stuff and a strong woman's voice. Oh, they go on and on about how much drugs they sell, how much they do, the streets of their 'hood, how much they hate Newt Gingrich, and how all the other rappers are just pretenders, who they plan to beat the tar out of and shoot so on...

Again, on the whole, not a bad CD at all, and Kelso will still listen to it once or twice a year. So, what happened? Lauryn Hill did an R & B solo album that was about as common as mud. Of course, it won the Village Voice Critics' Poll going away, but that was to be expected. Want to win a friendly wager with a friend on that -- BET ON BLACK. She cleans up at the Grammys and it's "God, this" and "God, that" and "God, the other thing" and unless Kelso misses his guess, there was something in there about "bootstraps." Puh-leeeze. Kelso said at the time, she couldn't carry Minnie Ripperton's make-up kit, let alone Gladys Knight's, Anita Baker's, Donna Summer's, or even Polly Brown's. Career: in the dumper where it belonged. Macy Gray and Alicia Keys must be hearing footsteps about now. Couldn't swear to it, but in the post-Grammy frenzy, ol' Lauryn may have weighed in on the impeachment of Clinton and not on Clinton's side.

And on to The Fugees' resident "enforcer," Wyclef Jean. As memory serves, he made some serious coin covering old pop songs and may have stopped just short of the reggae version of "On Top Of Old Smokey." In other words, these geniuses wrote about 15 songs amongst them to the Wu's what? 1000? Then, when Wyclef Jean performed at JFK Jr.'s funeral everybody in the world should have known that school was fucking out.

The great villain of NY rap, Ol' Dirty Bastard (RIP, Russell Jones)...read this carefully...SAVED A FUCKING CHILD WHO WAS TRAPPED UNDER A TRUCK!...he wasn't padding his celebrity at Princess Diana...er JFK Jr's funeral. And what did the the poor soul get for his trouble? Why a key to the city from Mayor Giuliani of course! No, he got 5 hard years at the Supermax prison in Clinton, NY, for drug possession. Nobody who commits anything less than armed-robbery multiple times goes to Clinton. Came out a broken, insane, completely dessicated man and died. Where's his fucking charity golf tournament?

Needn't be said, but Kelso'll have to say it anyway: he likes any of the remaining Shaolin boys heads-up against Wyclef in a fight involving fists or any combination of weapons.

Well, at least Lauryn Hill and Wyclef Jean are yesterday's news and to a greater or lesser extent the Wu-Tang Clan is still there banging them out collectively and individually. All of which puts Kelso in the mind of Felix Ungar quoting somebody or other to Oscar Madison: "The mills of the Gods, Oscar, grind slow but exceedingly fine."

Some finance tomorrow maybe?

Kelso's Nuts love you.