Kelso understands that there is some trauma in New Orleans and some other spots on the Gulf Coast happening to some social undesirables and shiftless tax parasites. This is apparently some sort of difficult national emergency. Kelso doesn't see why this is so difficult. Some. Some. Some. Some. Let's get serious. It's really a lay-down hand. Here's how to fix the problems on the Gulf Coast in a series of easy steps:

1. Fight a war on terror at home and abroad

2. Continue the hard work of bringing freedom to the Iraqi people by getting rid of the evil dictator, Saddam Hussein.

3. Promote a "culture of life."

4. Pass a constitutional amendment outlawing same-sex marriage.

5. Give law enforcement the "tools they need".

6. Cut taxes on those making more than $10 million per year and/or a net worth of greater than $100 million

7. Continue the War on Drugs.

8. Stop Judicial Activism -- no more legislating from the bench except when new law is needed to stop the spread of Global Terrorism and dangerous narcotics such as Medical Marijuana for cancer patients, AIDS patients and so forth.

9. Emphasize that Charles Darwin's Theory Of Evolution is only a theory, and certainly not one as robust as the Theory Of Intelligent Design.

10. Continue to fight the global War on Terror

11. Continue to fight the global War on Terror

12. Do not require pharmacists to prescribe any medication that offends them personally regardless of the authenticity of the licensed Doctor's prescription.

13. Fix Social Security by ending the program and pass all funds immediately into the control of a managment consortium of Wall Street "professionals".

14. Break down the "wall" erected by the Clinton Adminsitration preventing the cooperation of law enforcement agencies.

15. Pass a constitutional amendment requiring government-sponsored prayer in all schools, public and private.

16. Continue to fight the global War on Terror by punishing the Iraq-based perpetrators of the tragic events of 7/11.

17. Promote small-business creation by eliminating the minimum wage and quaint out-dated child labor laws.

18. Continue to fight the global War On Terror.

19. Promote small-business creation by eliminated quaint and out-dated environmental protections.

20. Crush the Palestinian Uprising, Quadruple aid to Israel and increase settlements in the West Bank and Gaza. Build luxury housing next to shantytowns and hovels. All Borough Park residents eligible.

21. Continue to fight the global War On Terror.

22. Eliminate "smut" from the airwaves, public and private

23. Maintain Latin American stability by containing the spread of capitalism in Venezuela. Use maximum force if necessary.

24. Rename Labor Day "Management Day"

25. Continue to fight the global War On Terror.

Game. Set. Match. See how easy that was. Now what was the problem in New Orleans, again?

Back on planet Earth, what would happen exactly if a rooftop-sniper were to down a C-130? Kelso believes such an act would constitute terrorism and perpetrators would be subject to a military trial and the death penalty. As would all "conspirators" as defined by the Justice Department and the Department Of Homeland Security.

Some posts back, Kelso referred to a nation built upon slave labor having to make a commitment to kill all of the slaves when things start to go sideways. It is happening in New Orleans today. Something very bad is on the wind right now. It may not happen tomorrow or next week or next month, but it will happen and it will be very bad. Iraq, Afghanistan and New Orleans are the appetizers and the cook is preparing the main dish as Kelso types.

Kelso's Nuts Love You. Enjoy a great Labor Day weekend.