KELSO'S SCREWING EVERYTHING UP, SO IT'S ON TO ANN COULTER (AT LEAST HE KNOWS WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE AND HE LIKEY)

Turns out Elisabeth Bumiller is not heavy. She's just late middle-aged and creased. Kelso mere is a senior citizen and has way fewer wrinkles. Bumiller not fat, Roberts white, it's hard to be Kelso: having to maintain golf, baseball and hockey betting models, play poker, run two businesses, and raise a child while endeavoring to score all the Coaltown-Warm-And-Fuzzies big pharma can distill from that which the Taliban produces, creates some holes in Kelso's research perfection. (Is Asa Hutchinson still Our Drug Fuhrer? If so, that last bit was a JOKE!) No reason to call Social Services on Kelso. The boy is safe and sound, a hell of a public speaker, ball-player, boxer, and card-player and he's not yet six. Kelso predicts he may be the future governor of the State Of New York. What might not be a joke, however, is Rush Limbaugh's fate vis-a-vis those pills. Kelso thinks that if Rush is found guilty he ought to wear the jumpsuit, but be free from sexual bondage. Adam Liptak's Roderick Johnson stories have completely convinced Kelso of the importance of the Stop Prison Rape movement. Kelso's in a medium-stakes fantasy hockey league and has pledged all winnings including initial stakes, regular season, playoff and side bets 1/2 to Stop Prison Rape, 1/2 to Code Pink/Gold Star Mothers For Peace.

So, speaking of errors, we move along to Ann Coulter, as she is known throughout the land for her errors of omission and commission and is a real liberal bete-noire. A conservative friend of Kelso's asked K what he thought of Ann Coulter. "Not a fan, right?" Kelso's friend inquired. "Oh, no, no Senor," Kelso replied, "I like her." Kelso DISAGREES with her on just about everything, but she's got a sense of humor and a sense of the absurd that Kelso feels is sorely lacking in most other right-wing commentators. It is her ravings that get repeated over and over again. Not Rush's. Not even when Rush idiotically took off against Donovan McNabb, who's a pretty fucking good QB by Kelso's lights. Coulter is also known far-and-wide to be someone who enjoys herself. That's not a bad thing at all. Ann, if you're reading this, Kelso would like to party with you. FYI: he's a decent looking Jewish fellow, 44 years old, top-flight academic pedigree, brown hair, brown eyes, 5' 6" tall, 165 lbs, with no diseases or disfigurements. He's way better looking than David Brooks or David Frum and walks upright unlike Charles Krauthammer. Depending on all sorts of random variables, he may be richer than the three combined. Or broke. In another place and time, darling, we could have been NY's answer to James Carville and Mary Matalin. By the way, there was a fellow named Tony Coulter whom Kelso knew back in the day. Any relation?

Kelso's friend the Movement Conservative -- over same post-prandial, post-business tea in Los Angeles -- asked if there were any left-wing commentators he should look out for. Kelso mentioned that Mike Malloy and Randi Rhodes were real good and Jeaneanne Garafolo has some potential if she would only spend a few hours with United States Civics For Dummies. Trivia: a different friend of Kelso's shared a cigarette outside the same restaurant in the same week with BOTH Ann Coulter and Jeaneanne Garafolo.

Something a little scary has occurred to Kelso. Could it be that subconsciously Kelso has bit some of Ann Coulter's style, albeit from the Left? Yeesh.

Flopper Harvey has added one to the Dickens/Faulkner Black Preacher list, which now reads:

CALVIN BUTTS
CREFLO DOLLAR
FREDERICK "REVEREND IKE" EIKENKOTTER
FLOYD FLAKE
T.J. JAKES
AL SHARPTON

Thoroughbred racing, baseball, golf, hockey await. As they say on Wall Street "gotta hop." Jeez, but that's a stupid expression.

Kelso's Nuts love you.