KELSO FUCKS UP BIG TIME...GETS PULLED BACK IN
Quick note: Kelso doesn't have the links, but it's all in the Tissue Of Lies, Monday, September 19, 2005.
How you Floppers missed this is beyond Kelso, but Selena Roberts, sports-columnist extraordinaire is not African-American! She's White and by a glimpse at the Random House picture accompanying her Bobby Riggs/Billie Jean King opus, she may be a member of Kelso's tribe. Kelso's bad. Sorry. Kelso merely displayed his own blatant racism by noting all of the Jazz cliches and the "jungle cat" references and remembering the sorry work of Claire Smith. Nevertheless, the bitch is not deserving of a Pulitzer by any stretch of the imagination. She was certainly an affirmative-action hire (woman on Tissue Of Lies sportspage), and everything else Kelso said about her still and will always apply.
Perfect example, William C. Rhoden (certifiably African-American!), another Tissue sports columnist wrote about the possibility that Rudy Giuliani's Girls might not make the playoffs this year. 7 words into the column, the word "baseball" appears in the context of the the comments of Toronto Blue Jays centerfielder, Vernon Wells. A perfectly serviceable column that kind of captures the feeling among players and fans vis-a-vis The Girls. On the same page, writing about a Biloxi high-school football star, the estimable Ms. Roberts takes 387 words before we read the word "football." Kelso can't speak for other Tissue readers, but won't somebody -- anybody in charge -- send this dizzy broad to Conde Nast where she belongs.
And while we're on the subject of dizzy broads, let's go back to la guapa herself, Elisabeth Bumiller. In her "White House Letter," Bumiller finally reaches orgasm with the W & Reverend T.J. Jakes speeches. Kelso will not rehash any of the piece, except to say that the love juice was positively dripping out of XXL Sears Cottons. Those suckers were SOAKED. (Metaphor, Elisabeth). That's three times in three columns that T.J. Jakes has been mentioned by this cow. Kelso knows about a lot of stuff. Makes "Ivy Day In The Committee Room" Joyce's best story and wishes the movie had been made of that instead of "The Dead," for example. He knows a little about gambling and finance, too. And is pretty up on current events. How is it that he's never heard of Jakes? Kelso thinks that Bumiller's caught the exacta here: (1) Jakes is hauling her ashes and (2) She's advancing her beloved right-wing agenda.
More on Reverend Calvin Butts of the Black Abyssinian Baptist Church. Kelso again fucked up. Butts was NEVER a force for social change -- except rightward -- was always solid Reactionary. How Kelso blew that one is just plain goofy. A little TOO much partying perhaps.
Kelso is starting to collect a list of these Dickensian/Faulknerian names of Black preachers. We're on Calvin Butts, Floyd Flake, T.J. Jakes, and, of course, Al Sharpton (who is actually not so bad -- Kelso took him over Messinger in the 1997 primary). Feel free to add to the list.
Having been a student of the Tissue for a while, Kelso has some tips. Bumiller, of course, is a fat fucking joke. Ditto Jodi Wilgoren. The boss, Adam Nagourney, is a DLC (er) "man", whose favorite pols, hell his only sources, are Joe Lieberman and Hillary Clinton, the 1 and 1A of friendly Democratic Fascism. John F. Burns has a Boy Scout's view of war and Richard W. Stevenson does to a lesser extent, as well. Abby Goodenough is hardly, but is trying to crack the Bush pack, and the Nuts commend her for some fine work on her knees. After that, the national news pages are readable. Philip Shenon is OK, as is Linda Greenhouse. But Adam Liptak is the colossus that doth bestride them all. There's your Pulitzer Prize winner. You read it on the Nuts first. Conflict of Interest alert: Adam Liptak is a friend of Kelso's. Kelso does not want to get Adam in any trouble. Kelso has never discussed ANY of these people with Adam at any time and as far as Kelso knows, Mr. Liptak's relationship with each and every one of them is fine and dandy. Please, no one take Kelso's lunatic ravings as a sign that Adam is anything but an exemplary journalist, a good guy, and an example of what the New York Times could be someday.
Good project for the trainspotters at baseballprospectus.com, but it occurs to Kelso that he has watched four teenagers pitch in the big leagues: David Clyde, Doc Gooden, Felix Hernandez, and Mike Morgan. Throw out Clyde and you've got a nice little group here. The essence of Gooden's career was compressed into his first 6 years because he was very hard used. He's had all sorts of personal problems, but it was the overuse, not the drugs, that foreshortened the best part of his career. Godspeed, Doc. The whole Kelso family loves you and wishes you speedily past your current troubles. Take that, dumb White assholes in sports bars! Morgan put together a long and distinguished career, but Felix Hernandez may be the best of them because he's being used judiciously as the Mariners rebuild. The numbers don't approach Gooden 1984, of course, but you don't really want them to. You just want to see this guy staying healthy and making slow progress off this awesome beginning.
So, in the end, it worked out OK. A couple of mea culpas from Kelso, some cuture, some sports, the usual vitriol spewed at the Tissue Of Lies. Omigod, was Anne Coulter actually right?
Kelso's Nut love you.
4 comments:
I kind of like the name Creflo Dollar. I can't remember the name of the Harlem-based preacher from the 70's who used to solicit money and live large. Kelso must recall.
I saw Elizabeth Bumiller on TV and she didn't actually appear to be fat. Her face was thin and plain, with what Norman Mailer would describe as a nasty, pinched quality around the eyes and mouth. The kind of girl you might sleep with once after a party -- even if you weren't drunk -- and then try to avoid around campus. She might say something to you, or write you a mean note, but probably not ... probably just tell a few people that you're a jerk. You'd probably see her ten years later at some kind of work-related convention, and you'd be be embarrassed and start to blush, but when you met, she'd be cordial. Then you'd ask yourself if she even remembers what happened. Of course she does, but in the end it mattered much less to her than it did to you.
Kelso's bad -- again. He has NEVER actually SEEN Elisabeth Bumiller in the flesh. He's remembering some back-and-forth with Matt Taibbi during the latter's Springtime Wimblehack, which Kelso believes she won, besting Howard Fineman.
Now, Kelso's got a better picture of the pas-de-deux. It was either Jodi Wilgoren or Karen Tumulty of TIME whom Taibbi took out after on looks.
The preacher you're thinking of was called Reverend Ike but Kelso has to find out his (um) Christian name.
Too many errors showing up in the Nuts. Time for the Coulter piece.
Kelso had the experience with a woman named Anne N. from Maryland during a language seminar between Junior and Senior years of high school, but she did not have a mean, pinched look; she was kind of buxom and blond and maybe was missing a finger. And yes the word spread that Kelso was a jerk.
I don't know Kelso, The Tissues of Lies is going through some "hard times" ... they are laying off 5% of their workforce and are charging on-line readers to access their opinion pieces. Wonder what other changes will result from this? Stay tuned I guess ...
I'm GLAD to read you like Abby Goodenough and Linda Greenhouse (two 'g's by the way !!). I was getting concerned there for awhile that you might just, as a rule, disdain all of The Tissue's women writers as Affirmative Action Babies (which I am inclined to doubt). But I like them both and am velly relieved.
Now Harvey ... I sense some disingenuousness in your post. Not sure exactly what you are trying to achieve or what your point is:
1. Mitigate some of Kelso's vitriol?
2. Agree with his vitriol, but in a politically correct way?
3. Both?
G:
Abby Goodenough is horrible. That didn't come across? Linda Greenhouse: very strong. You know Kelso thinks Diane Cardwell is real good and probably has a book about local politics in her. Jennifer 8. Lee gets some props for her extremely fair coverage of the Playstation poker bust, despite being told to "fuck-off" by a soap-opera star she was trying to get a quote off of. The Tissue is chock-a-block with fine women writing for them. Only the villains and villainesses are highlighted on the Nuts.
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