WAITING FOR FITZGERALD

Fitzgerald brings indictments, he's DUDE OF THE YEAR. He exonerates, or finds some sub-Libby factotum to pin it on, he's DWEEB OF THE YEAR. Simple as that.

DUDE OF THE WEEK is settled. Cindy Sheehan for returning to her promise to put the hurting on Hillary Clinton. She's asking all pro-peace peeps not to support her for Senate or President. Kelso likey. Kelso will ALWAYS be a Democrat, but when the choice is between Hillary Clinton and another Republican, Kelso's willing to go Republican for the tax cuts if nothing else. Cindy Sheehan has the idea that Hillary is an opportunist. Mike Malloy supports this viewpoint, saying that she's tough as a bar of iron and if the prevailing atomosphere in the USA were liberal, she'd be to the left of Kucinich. Kelso's not buying. He sees her as the conservative snake-in-the-grass -- again, 20mm children off welfare during an economic boom and budget surplus for starters -- a lover of violence, hater of humanity, and probably all that Rush Limbaugh's been saying all along. Personality-wise, that is. Hardly politicially. No money for Sainte Frigidaire, however, in either the outright or futures markets for Democratic nomination as she has drifted up from odds-on to +$1.30 in the outright and down from 55p-in-the-pound to 42p.

DWEEB OF THE WEEK also settled. Credit to his race Magic Johnson for his endorsement of "Mike" Bloomberg. What's up with that? Thought Magic was an African-American leader. First of all, he ought to stay out of NYC politics. Kelso's hoping Allen Iverson will oppose the Governator and his ballot initiatives just to keep things square. Let's do some Magic math while we're at it. He's HIV+, right? OK, the probablility of a man getting HIV from having one session of unprotected intercourse with an HIV+ woman is 1/700 or 0.0014. In order for Magic to be just even money to have acquired the infection this way would have required 500 sessions: [(1-1/700)^500] which equals 49% percent. Didn't he claim to have been faithful to Cookie round 1991, though? Somethin's not addin up. Other possiibility is that he was a spiker, but his performance on the court puts paid to that silliness and we know he's not a Native African. Work it out. Kelso has no problem with the way anyone gets his or her kicks, but if it's an issue of closeted solidarity, he's picking the wrong guy. Freddy mucho mejor on Magic's "issues". Magic's only "issues", however, are self-promotion and money. So, Kelso's view is that it's not an (ahem) life-style thing, but rather a money thing. No more pablum about your love of your people, Magic. Your people are the White Ruling Class. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Kelso is nursing a terrible cold he got from Kelso, Jr. So, the obvious conclusion for K's enthusiasm to be drawn is -- yes -- another good night at the local card club. He was, by the way, a model club member, warning the cashier to put his money in the drawer with paper around it when buying chips and insisting on Purell and wipes on the cart nearby, so as not to run the risk of infecting anyone by touching the cards, as he sneezed, coughed and sniffled his way (away from table) to a nice win. And, once again, the joke obtained at the only three players to get really cracked with Pocket Aces were Kelso, a Jewish woman, and a Russian Jewish man. Gentiles' and Asians' Rockets held up.

Didn't notice if the Coward-In-Chief congratulated Ozzie, as Kelso was too focused on the cards. Anybody catch it?

Kelso's Nuts love you.