VERY WET WEDNESDAY

Not much politics to do, so it's as good a time as any to start with football, as we all know The Tissue Of Lies and Sainte Hillary hate gambling so much. Kelso also believes there's a strong anti-correlation between all things Bush+all things NYC Uncritical-of-Israel Jewish and gambling, so here goes:

NCAA
* SOUTH FLORIDA +3 OVER PITTSBURGH
* WEST VIRGINIA +7 OVER LOUISVILLE
* BALL STATE +19 1-2 OVER TOLEDO
* WYOMING -7 OVER NEW MEXICO
* PENN STATE +3 1-2 OVER MICHIGAN
* OREGON -15 OVER WASHINGTON
* UTAH STATE +33 OVER FRESNO
* FLA INTERNATIONAL +1 OVER NORTH TEXAS

NFL
* GIANTS +3 1-2 OVER COWBOYS
* BENGALS -3 OVER TITANS
* SEAHAWKS -9 1-2 OVER TEXANS
* COLTS -15 1-2 OVER RAMS
* STEELERS, yes, a play but pending

Okay on to Tissue Time. We'll start with Saturday's McManus on poker. Kelso absolutely loves the glossary side-bar accompanying the column. The glossary defines words like "card," "pair," "Texas Hold 'Em," "All-In"...that sort of thing. It reminds Kelso of a great Lenny Bruce bit about the early days of commercial air-travel, how there's always some wiseguy trying to impress the women around him with all his technical knowledge, using words like "wing" and "propellor." McManus's piece itself was a little more technical and a little less pretentious than usual, but it raised some issues. Will McManus stop bragging about 2000? Hassan Habib would clean McManus's clock 999 times out of a 1000. McManus is nowhere near Habib. MCMANUS WAS LUCKY; HE WAS THE MONKEY WHO TYPED ROMEO AND JULIET. MMMMKAY? Also, Kelso went back to his trusty Doyle Brunson and saw nothing particulary critical of playing Big Slut (A-Q). McManus just drew his conclusion based up on a sample size of one in which his Slut lost to A-9. He was ahead pre-flop. If he mis-played it that's his fault. At least how Kelso reads Brunson, he prefers Slick and sometimes even Slut to pocket As or Ks, because you have power, a drawing shot, and you can get off easily. Here's a definition for McManus's glossary; Big Slut (A-Q) because she'll "always fuck you."

On to John Tierney, he of the wonderful column 5 years ago blaming the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire on the Jewish immigrant seamstresses themselves, instead of the bosses who had locked them in. Now, Kelso has many, many Irish amigos so he'll resist spraying real vitriol at Tierney. [Speaking of which, is there any truth to the rumor that U2 is playing a benefit for Rick Santorum's Senate campaign? If so, it wouldn't surprise Kelso in the slightest, as Santorum and Bono are both Catholic Crazies (tm).] But let's return to Tierney's Monday tissue piece, which claims probably rightly that Democrats overwhelm Republicans in graduate schools of law and journalism. For Tierney, this is a bad thing. Listen, John, Kelso has an MBA, albeit from a famous university in blue-state California, and MBA classes and professors nationwide split about 60/40 Democrat as a rule! So, you're right, but you suck. The Republicans control EVERYTHING: business, finance, the House, the Senate, the Presidency, the Supreme Court, most local government, and most school boards. And Tierney is pissed because Democrats have an overwhelming edge in Education and The Arts? That's a little greedy, no? Well, Johnny, there's a simple way to reverse the trend: STOP TEACHING CREATIONISM AND STOP YOUR OWN PC BULLSHIT OF BANNING "CONTROVERSIAL" ART and you might attract some more right-wing professors and students. Kelso's not exactly sure what a graduate school of journalism is, but what the beef there, Johnny? Could the nation's press corps be more gung-ho behind Bush, the killing, the maiming, the torture, the tax cuts (which Kelso didn't mind in 2001, hates now) and less courageous about anything? You fuckers got that whole embedded-reporter thing ginned-up. Playing GI Joe worked real well for Michael Kelly, no? So what if journalists vote Democrat; they write Republican and certainly talk Republican on the networks.

We close today with some magic words from The Walrus himself, Thomas M. "Bush Gave An Excellent Speech" Friedman, the Mayor Of The Middle East. This from today's Tissue Of Lies Op-Ed page: "As I said, a civilization that tolerates suicide-gemocide will eventually be devoured by its extremeist from within -- and quarantined by its friends from abroad." Kelso could not have describe the USA in October of 2005 any better. Good on you, Tom. Too bad it was really just another of your hateful anti-Arab screeds that never mentions our "Partners in Peace," Saudi Arabia and Pakistan. Floppers, do you think Friedman and Miller are the CIA plants at the Tissue? Or would that be just too fucking obvious?

Probably no Nuts tomorrow because of Yom Kippur. Kelso's putting his time in at the humanist shul. God is watching the Walrus, however. Is he still playing toy soldier in Iraq? If so, he better get his ass to some shul or the "Judeo-Christian" God he worships is going to put a Promethean eternity on the boy.

Bill Bennett update. Apparently, Kelso's buddy "The Movement Conservative" could not make the $100,000 heads-up happen. Kelso suspects that Bennett, anticipating a huge FCC fine, a lost radio career, and millions of dollars of casino debt have dampened his appetite for Kelso's little proposition. Kelso would have enjoyed proving to Bennett that over the card table Bennett's the...well, Kelso thinks it would be impolite for a White guy to say, but the drift is there to be caught.

Kelso's Nuts love you.