SPY MAGAZINE PARODY OF PEOPLE MAGAZINE FALL 1991: "IS ANYONE STRAIGHT? RAY HANDLEY AND BRUCE COSLET COME OUT AS THE NFL'S FIRST GAY, MARRIED, HEAD COACHES"

As good a lead-in as any to NCAA football for the week, then we pick up with the gay stuff. And props to the late, lamented Spy for calling gay marriage 14 years ago. The picture was classic. Ray Handley and Bruce Coslet really looked like two middle-aged, gay, married men, very much in love.

* GEORGIA TECH -6 OVER NC STATE (this one's dead already)
* LOUISIANA-LAFAYETTE -5 1-2 OVER FLORIDA ATLANTIC
* INDIANA -6 OVER ILLINOIS
* OKLAHOMA STATE +5 1-2 OVER MISSOURI
* VANDERBILT +15 1-2 OVER LOUSIANA STATE
* TEMPLE +28 1-2 OVER MARYLAND
* COLORADO -3 OVER TEXAS A & M
* NEBRASKA +4 OVER TEXAS TECH
* MISSISSIPPI STATE + 27 OVER FLORIDA
* PENN STATE +3 OVER OHIO STATE
* LOUISIANA-MONROE +26 OVER ARKANSAS

Jeez, but the Republicans have a gunny-sack full of homosexuals, no? Karl Rove, Scott McLellan, Jeff Guckert, David Dreier, Ken Mehlmann, John Roberts, Harriet Miers, Karen Hughes, Condoleeza Rice, Rick "Goodhair" Perry, Adam Nagourney...the list goes on and Kelso is not including Jim Kolbe or the other representative from the Midwest who's out. Those guys have some courage. The others are closeted and dedicated to promising to "stop the queers from getting married," and completely down with the Pat Robertson/James Dobson program for the sake of pandering to the folkways of a minority of Americans. How pathetic. Got to give the motherfuckers credit, they've got every Democrat twisted into a pretzel over this, John Kerry most hideously, but that was his own goddamned fault. A guy with real balls would have said "fuck yes, I support Gay Marriage...and having observed the horrors of war first hand, the War In Iraq is repulsive." He would have won by open lengths.

But back to the conservative queers. What must it feel like to partipate in this? Does the guilt drive them crazy or is the power so intoxicating that they just go with it? Kelso doesn't have the foggiest notion, but as a straight man who has had many delightful moments over the card tables with his gay brethren and sistren, he sure does wonder. Kelso also believes that gay marriage ought to be an absolute right with no exceptions, full stop. We straight lefties are absolutely unconflicted about this, to the point that we barely notice.

Mike Malloy has come up with an interesting theory about Roberts and Miers. He thinks that George W. Bush is sick and tired of pandering to the Christian Crazies and thus has proposed these two as a giant "fuck you" to the so-called "Christians" for making him go through all this bullshit he couldn't give a rat's ass about. Malloy thinks he wants to steal, drink, do coke and settle in with Laura and her vices and is worn down by all the play-acting he's had to do. God (heh-heh), Kelso hopes that's true. If so, it would certainly put Bush to the LEFT of Sainte Hillary Clinton who's becoming a "Christian Crazy" par excellence. You read it here first: Hillary will NOT be the Democratic nominee for President in 2008. It will be Edwards, Mark Warner, or Bayh, with perhaps Hillary as a VP candidate. If Hillary wins the nomination, she will lose to any Republican by 10 percentage points at the least, while dragging the whole Democratic party into the sick cloud-cuckoo land of the DLC: more killing, more prejudice, more homophobia, more Christian craziness, more executions, more promotion of the ungodly state of Israel, bigger Homeland Security Budget, bigger war on drugs, and of course MORE TAXES. Actually, the war on drugs has been pretty great. When Kelso was a teenager a gram of weak coke went for $100 and now the high-purity 8-ball (3 1-2 grams) goes for $80. Not that Kelso would be involved in any of that. This is just what he has read (heh-heh).

Now, there's some fantasy that the race will be between Hillary and Rice. If that unlike situation obtains, it's Hillary, of course, by 20 percentage points because no darkie's getting elected President Of The United States. And that certainly includes the repulsive Colin Powell. What a joy that his shit's overwith. Damned by the right for not being a "team-player" despite defrauding the country into a disgusting war of choice as Secretary Of State no less. Damned by the left by being -- and these are rapper Paris's words, not Kelso's -- a "house niggah" and Bush's trained monkey. Too harsh? Remember the UN talcum powder episode. Remember all the lies. Remember the lecturing, hectoring "bootstraps" speeches. Good to know that Rice and Powell are Christians and believe in a Baptist hell of eternal torment, because that's where they're headed. Sleep well, folks? Credit to your race, both of you.

Thomas "Walrus" Friedman, speaking of Christian Crazies, was apparently not at the power shul in Bethesda this Roshashana. He, tough-guy that he is, was aboard a warship in the Gulf. Bestill my heart. This is one macho dude. Jesus, however, was watching and passing shul this week is going to send his sorry ass to the lake of fire, too. Kelso would love to have been a fly on the wall on that warship. He bets the U.S. service folk really related to the Walrus. As the service-folk are mostly young, one reckons that the topics of conversation in down-time are not in anyway related to the Walrus's obsessions about globalism and the Middle East. Probably most of the talk is the basic stuff young people talk about: music, sports and sex. As the Walrus knows nothing about any of these subjects, he must have fit in real well. Again, it's great to be a lefty. In addition to having zero problem with gay folk, music, sports and sex are fun topics all the time, no matter what your age, education level or place in the economic strata.

Liptak absolutely crippled the field in Kelso's DUDE OF THE WEEK contest with the third installment on life-sentencing. And what do you know, out of the clouds, the DWEEB OF THE WEEK prize goes to none other than NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg for ginning up a bullshit terror thingy to deflect attention from all the problems his party is having right now. They seem to be able to go to the well on this as often as they like. Kelso's made up his mind. He's on Freddy Ferrer for Mayor despite Ferrer's many shortcomings. Bloomberg is a cunt. Another pathetic foot soldier in the Republican war against America, and, like Giuliani, a great favorite of weathy and wannabe wealthy and flat-out racist New York. What happened, Mike? You used to be a pretty good guy. Ah, Kelso forgot. 9/11 CHANGED EVERYTHING. That's Arabic of the Saudi Royal variety "for poor and progressives in your place and shut up." Not so amazing that practically every middle-aged to older Jewish man in New York, save Kelso, Sr., has signed on. Everybody loves the guy, so Kelso's going contrarian and voting Freddy. Kelso may even bet Freddy if he gets the right price, 9/2 or better. Kelso is also endorsing Kinky Friedman for governor of Texas.

Here's the link on the gin-up. Kelso rests his case. http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20051008/ts_nm/security_newyork_dc

Baseball feels velly, velly depressing right now. Rudy's Girls look strong. The Sawx and Padres are all but dead. How they went with Pedro Astacio in game 2, plus about the weakest hitting lineup they could possibly put on the field is beyond Kelso's limited intelligence. Kelso saw no reason not to go: Peavy/Eaton/Lawrence/Williams/Peavy and if Peavy is not good to go for game 5 because of the cracked rib, use the bullpen for 2-3 innings a man in game 5. Well, screw it. Easy come, easy go.

Check out 911truth.org for all of the cool conspiracy stuff. Great fun even if it ain't true, but the qui bono rule suggests most of it is true.

Finally, as we are in the Jewish High Holiday time, Kelso must repeat a great line from The Angry Volcano God: "Gotta love Manischewitz. Every year is a good year."

Oh, gee whiz, Kelso almost forgot. Did anyone check out David Brooks's last op-ed? He caught the Bill Bennett drift and is determined not to make those mistakes again. Without even having to read between the lines, Brooks was advocating not only affirmative-action, but also full government support of it. Got to give the boy credit for smarts. He knows any more of his lecturing and hectoring of Black folks and he's off the Tissue Of Lies Op-Ed page post haste, having already written some of the foulest Nazi shit imaginable.

Kelso's Nuts love you.