SUNDAY BLOODY SUNDAY

Guess it's back to Lenny Bruce -- Comic At The Palladium: "SCREW IRELAND." Bono may be Catholic or he may be Protestant; he may be giving a benefit for Rick Santorum; he may not be. What's indisputable, however, is that he is a Christian Crazy who opposes abortion and -- despite his self-aggrandizing "charity" -- supports all that Santorum does. His promised benefit for Hillary Clinton just reinforces this on many levels, not the least of which is that Hillary is a bit of a Christian Crazy herself. Full Stop. Bono is no friend of peace or Africa or anything. He is a rapturist. And a greedy one at that. Come to think of it, they're all greedy. Who would have thought in a million years that from the Africa tour, it would have been Bush's first Treasury Secretary to emerge the noble liberal!

Kelso has always been a STIFF LITTLE FINGERS man from back in the day, and considers it a fucking crime that in-fighting broke SLF apart and allowed U2 to make thier unworthy billions off of the whole Irish "thing" back in the early 80s. It was SLF preaching rapproachment, peace, and economic justice, while U2 grabbed all the little girl fans and all the dough. An opportunity missed, but Floppers Of The Nuts should buy the back catalogue of STIFF LITTLE FINGERS and do a little comparison with the sainted and supremely average U2.

We move on to an Irish-American fuck, John Tierney of The Tissue Of Lies. This cunt just can't get off of the dispartity in Democrats versus Republicans in academe. His points are absolutely well-taken, but so what? Institutions have self-enforcing mechanisms. That's not rocket science. What exactly, John Tierney, would happen to Kelso's career possibilities if he were, say, a middle-manager at Wackenhut Corporation and decided one day to wear his "Bush Lies/Who Dies?" button to work? A far worse fate than any conservative professor at ANY American university to be sure. Again, Tierney, seems to want the Right to control everything. Kelso thought it was we Jews that were supposed to be so greedy. Tierney wants it all for his beloved Right: all three branches of government, all of business, all of finance, all of culture, and ALL of academe. No sale, Mr. Triangle-Shirt-Waist-Factory-Fire. Kelso was willing to let it go last time, but since you're pushing he'll push back.

Kelso, Sr., who is tough as a bar of iron from having grown up in very depressed and depressing circumstances, once said to Kelso as they passed a pool in Rancho Santa Fe during a trip to Del Mar together: "You know, Kelso, when I was a kid I woulnd't swim in a pool if I saw someone in there wearing a cross around his neck." At the time, Kelso didn't really understand. He does now.

Continuing on with the theme, Kelso, a registered owner of thoroughbreds in New York, has voted for William Punk, Jr., for President of the Owners' Association against Mr. Auld Sod himself, Richard Bomze, who preaches and moralizes his Right-Wing Irish-American bullshit in the pages of the monthly, licking Pataki's ass, etc., all the while having earned his fortune as a publisher of a racetrack tout magazine. The lowest of the low. How very moral, Richard.

And if we're on an ethnic tip today, why not discuss New York's Finest. Outstanding work (um)gentlemen, for busting the Broadway Poker Club. Whom was it hurting exactly? Seemed to Kelso that it provided a commodious, friendly place -- which served no alcohol and in fact discouraged drunkenness and foul language -- for people to play cards. New York's Finest. Feh. Once again, Fuck 9/11 Sideways. The Daily News article on the raid quotes NYPD sources as having seized $56,000 in cash in the raid. Kelso hears on the street that there was more than that on the 10-25 NL table alone and probably well over $150,000 in the place at the time. Where did the rest go? Kelso guesses (with no proof of course) to maybe refinish the stucco on some houses belonging to the noble, uneducated, mustachioed ones of Broad Channel and Howard Beach, and maybe some beach time in '06 in Point Pleasant...

...which of course leads to our DWEEB/DUDE of the WEEK AWARDS. The Heroes of 9/11 and Michael Bloomberg get DWEEB OF THE WEEK for the raid. Keith Olbermann of MSNBC gets DUDE OF THE WEEK for his analysis of the use of the "credible terrorist threat" upgrades to deflect bad press from the Bush Administration, Bloomberg's subway gin-up being the most recent. Make no mistake fellow New Yorkers, Bloomberg may be a mellower guy than Rudy was, but he's a lock-step Republican down to his socks. He'll be anti-abortion within six months. (To be fair, Freddy Ferrer has come down on all sides of every issues from abortion to crime to taxes, so Kelso has decided to vote for neither for Mayor.)

Kelso's a fair minded dude. He'll be going after the (Jewish) world-weary city-side columnist Clyde Haberman of the Tissue Of Lies for being kind of an Ed Koch closet-racist, and compare him unfavorably with the (Irish) world-weary city-side columnist Ellis Henican of Newsday. Kelso's always loved Jimmy Breslin, too. Kelso's just no fan of the Irish Right. Galway Festival, Clonmel Hare-Coursing Festival, even and especially the priest of the largest church in Clonmel, the boyz of Roscommon, Laytown, Northern Marty, Connolly's...it's all good. Just Tierney and Richard Bomze and Bono and the Catholic Church who are scalding Kelso's Nuts today.

Where did the Tissue find that fucking Tierney, anyway?

But we all come together in peace and harmony, Jew and Irish, today in rooting on our New York Football Giants.

Have a great Sunday everybody.

Kelso's Nuts love you.