NOTES ON A NEW YORK SCORECARD (R.I.P. ALLAN MALAMUD) -- A GUARANTEED SEX-FREE POST #69

[MOST OF THIS POSTING WILL BE PAROCHIAL NYC SPORTS AND POLITICS STUFF, BUT HERE'S PROOF OF WHAT KELSO'S BEEN SAYING ABOUT THAT POTATO-HEAD TWERP, BONO; LOVE IT!]
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20051019/en_nm/bono_bush_dc

Nothing is turning Kelso's crank this weekend in the NFL, but we'll live.

Kelso is still confused. Why is it exactly that the appearance of A-Rod, Mrs. A-Rod, and Phil Hellmuth at Club Broadway for poker a couple of Sundays back brought down a shitstorm? First, there was Bud Selig's launching an investigation into the "affair" because he disapproved of players associating with "dangerous" (his words) gamblers like Mr. Hellmuth. From what Kelso hears, Phil Hellmuth has some personality issues, to the point that there is a poker group in England called PHISAFA ("Phil Hellmuth is a fucking asshole") or something like that, but no one is his right mind would consider the man "dangerous." Then came the raid, the arrest of the personnel, the seizure, the still unaccounted for cash, etc., etc., etc...Kelso's been on about this before and doesn't want to beat or BE a dead horse, but...

...Speaking of horses, why is it exactly that nobody in the media or any of the authorities give a shit that an even more famous member of RUDY GIULIANI'S GIRLS has a FIDUCIARY relationship through race-horse ownership in New York with three or four OF the more "dangerous" gamblers one may encounter? Kelso is not going to do the press or cops' jobs for them, but a quick scan of the Daily Racing Form past performances combined with a google search including the words "EPO" and "crime family" might get the job done.

Now, the point is not that Kelso would like to see this person embarrassed in public because (a) Kelso doesn't think "associating" with ANYBODY is or should be a crime and (b) Kelso doesn't think this person HAS committed any crime, with the possible exception of an unwitting violation of the rules of racing with regard to pre-race medication. Trust Kelso on this: the people who owned, operated and populated Club Broadway were very pleasant, accomodating and non-threatening folks. Kelso thinks your average man or woman on the street might be a little scared by the OTHER YANKEE's racing partners. Kelso certainly is. They are kind of ill-cats, and Kelso does NOT want to cross them in any way shape or form.

But as A-Rod is a post-9/11 Yankee and the other person, well...let's just say he "helped NY get over its crisis following the tragic events of 9/11," the same rules very much DO NOT APPLY.

A-Rod himself said it best: "what my wife and I do for entertainment is none of Bud Selig's business."

Oh, and by the way, "the views and opinions expressed here are not true and not necessarily the views of anyone. Anything else? Yeah. Don't do drugs."

DWEEB OF THE WEEK is certainly NBA commissioner David Stern. Here are the links. The Tissue Of Lies article is actually the most interesting as it goes back a few years to some of the more egregious attempts to reign in NBA player style. But as Kelso refuses to pay a farthing for Tissue Select, ESPN will have to do. Kelso understands that reading the links are a drag, but if you have any interest in sports or racial politics or just want to know why Stern is DWEEB OF THE WEEK, please read them.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=2194537

http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=2197012

http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=2197001

What's so stupid about all of this is that David Stern has been hailed as such a genius "businessman" (God, but that term is stupid), yet it is self-generated NBA-style that has made the league so successful around the world. Kids all over the globe LOVE Allen Iverson and really enjoy his sense of style and fun. Kelso has yet to meet a kid anywhere who wants to imitate the dumpy, stuffed-like-a-sausage-into-a-suit-2-sizes-too-small image of David Stern. Oh, wait, that's not right. Kelso's bad. Most of the kids at Ramaz prefer the Stern look to the Iverson look. Kelso's just happy K, Jr., is in public school and not at Ramaz.

And at the nexus of basketball, education, and Jews that aren't fun, we have Bruce Ratner, Mayor Bloomberg, and schools chancellor Joel Klein. Want to earl? Take a look at Klein's hideous face someday. Ok, here's where it all fits together in a nice package. Bloomberg and Klein (and Levy before him: not as ugly but just as mean) have no problem cutting holy hell out of the public schools budget, but are pleased as punch to offer Ratner all sorts of incentives to build his Brooklyn arena and mall. Make no mistake about this, Kelso is a capitalist. He respects anyone with the brains and balls to make bundles, but not on the public dole and not at the cost of Kelso's child's education, when Kelso is paying ALL his taxes. Kelso couldn't give a shit if the Nets play in New Jersey or Brooklyn, but he wants his son to have the full complement of after-school activities from theater arts (now gone as of Sept 2005) to all sports. So, the privatization fantasy marches on, this time through the back door, as the Kelsos of the world have to write five-figure checks to their local public schools and toss around hundred dollar bills at bake sales so the Bruce Ratners of the world can get even richer and more self-important and build even bigger, more vulgar waterfront property in Bridgehampton.

Yeah, Bloomberg (or should Kelso say "Brownie"?), you're doing a hell of a job.

Kelso knows he's spoiling for a big fight in this election as most of his friends are Bloomberg supporters. As it shakes out now, Kelso will be on a business trip to Europe around election day and will cast his vote for Freddy Ferrer by absentee ballot. K will have to do his vicious arguing before and after the coronation of the little guy. About the only good friend of Kelso's who doesn't like Bloomberg is "The Movement Conservative" who is a pure Libertarian and hated Rudy worse.

DUDE OF THE WEEK, or perhaps, DWEEB OF NEXT WEEK, may turn out to be Illinois U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald -- and to think Kelso was Irish-bashing in this space -- who looks ready to hand down indictments to some members of the Bush crime family. And, finally, to square the circle completely, the Bush crime family also races thoroughbreds in NY along with Kelso and the afore-non-mentioned pin-striper. The Bushies race under the name of W.S. Farish II, operator of the Bush crime family's "blind" trust.

See you on the backstretch.

Kelso's Nuts love you.