AFTER OPENLY ROOTING FOR RAMSEY CLARK AND COMPARING KARL ROVE'S INDIFFERENCE TO HIS FELLOW QUEERS TO KELSO'S INDIFFERENCE TO ISRAEL...

...there really aren't many more sacred cows to slay. We've got so much beef here it's time to sell some into the futures market.

So, let's make today Monday Funday, okay?

First question for you is when the book on this repulsive time we live in is written who are your nominees for the: STEPHEN VINCENT BENET, AMBROSE BIERCE, MARK TWAIN, H.L. MENCKEN and ARTHUR MILLER of the fabulous post-9/11 era?

Second question for you is: name all of the big-time bass singers of the rock era. So, far Kelso and Floppers have collectively come up with Stephen Merritt (The Magnetic Fields), Brad Roberts (Crash Test Dummies), The Big Bopper, and the Guy From Sha Na Na.

And let's do some music. Another of Kelso's favorite dude blogs, NOTES FROM THE MUCK, notesfromthemuck.blogspot.com, has a great feature called "Random Ten". Here's Kelso's.

(1) NWA "Express Yourself". A great song that launched 1000 careers and counting, beyond brilliant (EMINEM), excellent (DR. DRE), very good (SNOOP), essentially boring but what-a-money-maker (50-CENT) and dull as dishwater (ROYCE THE 5' 9")

(2) STIFF LITTLE FINGERS "Is That What You Fought The War For?" Imagine that Bono were not a self-important, money-grubbing, George W-loving, religio-fascist, and that he set out to write an anti-war song that also takes the "Greatest Generation" to task for its complicity in today's messes. Proof there's no god: two bands came out of Ireland at the same time, U2 and SLF, and look what happened.

(3) ICE CUBE "Say Hi To The Bad Guy". Out a year before the Rodney King beating, this still stands up as one of the most radical songs ever written and a perfect antidote to all of the post 9-11 cop worship, and way more subtle (if that word could possibly be appropriate here) than it's NWA antecedent "Fuck Tha Police".

(4) LEONARD COHEN "Famous Blue Raincoat". Makes Kelso glad his one sibling is a sister and never fails to make him cry.

(5) THE QUEERS "Idiot Savant". A near-perfect song from the least famous of the LA surf-punk movement.

(6) WARREN ZEVON "Mr. Bad Example". What would a life completely controlled by one's id be like?

(7) JOHNNY CASH "Sunday Mornin' Comin' Down". No comment necessary.

(8) THE DISTILLERS "Hall Of Mirrors". Kelso didn't think it could be more sexual and rock harder than HOLE's "Violet" but Brody and crew did it.

(9) CHUMBAWAMBA "How To Get Your Band On Television". This was 13 years before Reality TV and 10 years before the Chumbas one hit became background music for Monday Night Football (not their fault). And how beautifully this song could be applied to Bono, Bob Geldof and company today.

(10) PAVEMENT "Embassy Row". Stephen Malkmus for Secretary Of State in a Barbara Boxer adminsitration? Kelso needs to get out the Vaseline and Kleenex when he starts to ponder that one.

As it is Monday Funday, we must parse the two games articles from Sunday's Tissue Of Lies, Weak-In-Review: "All The Right Moves (How chess can beat poker at its own game)" and "Bring Bridge Back To The Table". First of all, to the editor of the Weak-In-Review, "thanks." There is far too little attention paid to games of all kinds in The Tissue. McManus's poker column in a joke, an exercise in pure onanism. The bridge column is probably the most closely watched of its kind in America, yet it is consistently thin gruel. Some stuff on the gray pages about backgammon, cribbage, gin and Scrabble woulnd't be bad either. Kelso had no problem with the chess piece except that the editor (not the writer) positioned it as an anti-dote, somehow, to poker. The writer correctly points out that many of the better poker players come out of the chess world. Many do both. Kelso agrees completely with the thesis of the Bridge piece, that bridge is a very cool game and ought to be promoted among the young. Kelso plans to teach Kelso, Jr., how to play and luckily Kelso's best friend from high school, The Boy Mikey, is a life-master and will take over when Kelso's limited skills are used up. The problme with the Bridge piece for Kelso was that it was a giant self clit-rub by the author, Sharon Osberg (wasn't she on a Comedy Central show with Ozzie?). The whole purpose of 1/3 of a broadsheet page was to show off that her partner is Warren Buffett. Here's a newsflash: Warren Buffett is not exactly the guy to bring today's youth to the bridge table. About the only thing he could sell outside of his own fund is a new laxative. Moreover, Warren Buffett has no game. Richie Schwartz and any of 10,000 life-masters would bury Buffett and Osberg.

What's the Tissue's angle here? As Flopper Harvey has pointed out, the Tissue ALWAYS has an angle. Kelso sez go back to your Marx or your Veblen for that matter. This is a ruling class paper and as such has a need to preserve the status-quo at all costs. Anthropomorphize a system and idolize a man (Buffett) instead of the system and attack vice (in this case, poker) at any opportunity, because vice (and id, Warren) is the narrow edge of the wedge that can crack the system. Gambling, fucking and getting wasted do not a maleable citizen make. That's how Kelso's paranoid, Vicodin-addled brain weighs it up.

Oh, congratulations Fascists on the impending 1000th execution since the lifting of Supreme Court moratorium. Culture of Life, Kelso's granny's left tit. Everyone who supports the death penalty can get ass-fucked and rot in pieces.

Kelso's Nuts loves you.