HOW TO BANISH FEAR AND DREAD...

...sit in the Wynn 5-10 No Limit Hold 'Em game at a table with all professionals in which your $12K buy-in makes you one of the short stacks at the table.

Kelso, having run over that game 12 dimes to the good with dime buy-ins eight short weeks ago, found that instead of the tourist crowd he was anticipating facing what with the HBO comedy-fest and all, he was in the deep, deep end of the pool with people who could set him all-in at any time. A slightly less aggressive approach seemed the order of the day and Kelso got through the first 4 sessions a small winner. Sessions 5 and 6 were a total disaster and Session 7 a small loser. Kelso went for 6 dimes altogether, but was really only outclassed in the final session. The terror is now gone. He's seen what the middle/upper level pros do and has picked up a few pointers. The usual polite, non-steaming, non-tilting, laughing at losses, congratulating opponents who drew out, seemed to work and there is not much Kelso is afraid of at the table anymore.

The penny dropped on the plane ride home and realized that the "smooth-calling" that has been vexing him can finally be solved. As many of his opponents in the smaller cash games in the local rooms tend to slow-play and smooth-call their good cards, Kelso, who is a very aggressive player often misses the signals to get off. In some senses the monster game at the Wynn is a lot easier, as players with good hands are not looking to bleed you in $50 increments; they want your whole stack. So, if they have a hand and you're not sure about yours, a probing bet in the $70-$140 range will let you know where you are. When the $500-$1200 raise comes, Kelso gets off if he's on a move or a semi-move with middling cards. If he's best, he comes back over the top.

In the smaller games, you rarely get that signal. Oh sure, a pot bet when a naked Ace falls on the river and someone who had been limping bets is a pretty good sign, but the better sign is the guy calling. If the probe gets called, you're in big trouble and unless you improve radically at the next stage, it's time to run. You are going to be called and not raised with everything from a pair of 8s to a full-house. But, of course, having now sat in games with over $100,000 in real money on the table, Kelso finds the smooth-calling more pesty than frightening and has assumed that henceforth the local smaller no-limit will play a lot like 15-30 or 30-60 limit. More shit learned. Nothing Kelso particularly cares to share. Go read McManus in the Tissue Of Lies (heh-heh).

The "business" part of the trip went well with, it appears now, the (scary, kids) Saudis about to join the fray with Kelso and crew. Kelso was so busy on this trip he counts the number of cocktails he consumed somewhere around 3 over 5 days.

Multiple points of view on the 60 Minutes piece on gambling. Kelso's straighter partners saw it as an endorsement; his associates who are more seasoned saw it as a 20-minute long advertisement for the Christian Coalition and thoroughly anti-capitalist. Wait a second, weren't these Christian Crazies supposed to oppose "godless communism?" Seems they don't care much for "godless capitalism" either. Guess the only shit that really gets 'em hot and bothered is abortion (no), the death penalty (yes) and war (very much yes), but then there's that sticky Abramoff problem, isn't there? Well, screw them all sideways, believe in science or your own lying eyes, who gives a shit? Keep reading that wretched scripture...that'll work great. About as well as a $100 bet with a weak two-pair from early position in a NYC ring game.

McManus took up the subject of poker etiquette a number of weeks back, but it's worth expanding on that for a NYC private clubs, because he has noticed quite a few youngish, rich Westchester and Fairfield County kids coming in. Here's some free advice from Kelso. Do with it what you will. (1) Take the vibe of the place first in terms of play and personality; it means fuck-all that you're rich or win at your home game (2) Politeness always works (3) Don't start offering opinions or being too ready to beef until you get your first hand-pound (4) Always apologize for sucking out on the River and always say "no problem" when sucked-out upon, (5) don't criticize anyone who has just left the table -- the odds are five of his or her friends are still sitting there (6) NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER rub a win into anyone's face (7) NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER use Anglo-Saxon oaths in earnest to ANY woman...as interjections, "fuck" and "shit" sotto voce are fine, but a beef with a woman, especially a regular, will earn nothing but enmity that will take years to overcome...and, children, most importantly, (8) take your losses like men; if you get stuck good and mommy and daddy won't give you the dough, resist that impulse to go to the cops; most likely they won't give a shit but if they do and a club employing 15 people (most of whom are in college or grad school and are getting health benefits) is shut on account of your spoiled asses, find a new city to live in. As unbelieveably cliched as it sounds, "let a smile be your umbrella," "give a favor; get a favor," and "win like you're used to it; lose like you like it."

Scarsdale and Greenwich shit don't play. No one is likely to get ill, but for all our sakes, don't run the risk.

That's the Kelso real-life sermon for Hillary Clinton's beloved Westchester County "kids".

And now, Kelso is assuming you're ready for some football.

NCAA

* LSU -17 over ARKANSAS
* ARIZONA STATE -9 OVER ARIZONA
* WISCONSIN - 6 1-2 OVER HAWAII
* EAST CAROLINA +5 OVER ALABAMA-BIRMINGHAM
* HOUSTON -17 OVER RICE
* TROY STATE +7 OVER MIDDLE TENNESSEE STATE

NFL

* BENGALS -9 OVER RAVENS
* JAGUARS -3 1-2 OVER CARDINALS

As for politics, it seems that the Jack Murtha (D-PA) controversy has spared Bob Woodward a few days of agony, but not to worry Floppers. His day is coming. Kelso figures a dismissal from the Washington Post is a huge favorite. A sharp reduction in speaking fees and TV times are solid favorites. Prison time for obstruction of justice is an underdog but not a huge one...maybe 5/2 against. Other Wonder Bread cheerleaders for Bush and war, your time is coming, too. And two who think they may have skated, David Remnick and Gail Collins, may well find themselves in the dock or at least on the witless (!) stand. Christopher Hitchens may just get deported or sent to the drunk tank. An enterprising progressive could do wonders with some of the Ted Koppel/henry Kissinger "69" sessions. The Leonard Lopate grilling still stands out as the best ever. Mr. "Power-Is-the-Ultimate-Aphrodisiac" got absolutely undressed by Lenny and Kelso doesn't think WNYC can play that 2 hours enough.

Kelso's Nuts love you.