PRE-FLOP

As the Floppers of the Nuts know, Kelso is off to Las Vegas for a busman’s holiday of 24/7 business for 5 days. He has asked his top Floppers (in no particular order): “G,” “Harvey,” “Anonymous FB,” “Pissedemeanor,” and “Dremachine” to fill in but so far none of these brave souls have stepped up, so Kelso’s stuck with one more posting, being composed on the flight to LV.

“G” threw some bait in the water and emailed a blog (which will go un-referenced here, because Kelso's tough but fair -- he doesn't want his army flaming the blogger) that “G” knew would scald Kelso’s Nuts. It’s essentially Ann Coulter writ velly, velly small. The conceit of it is that a Red State, Southern girl, is in love with her own sexuality while buying the whole Bush Crime Family agenda. She’s Southern and the essence of the blog is some kind of ign’nant version of Camille Paglia – that leftist men are wimps who can’t fuck or please a woman the way a macho Red-State Cop or Soldier or basic Fascist can. The "G" knew that Kelso would bite, as he has spent much of his youth in the South.

So, Kelso read it and responded with the verbal Mossberg. As a 10th in his class graduate of a top NYC private school, a graduate of the “Little Three” and 30th in his class of 360 at a top-10 B-School, Dean’s list and Beta Gamma Sigma, Kelso had a sense this was a heavily social class-based mistake. He offered the opinion that the South is not what she thinks it is. It can be a very dark and ill place, albeit ultra fun, when the top gambling crews get together to fence. He also offered the opinion that he, Kelso, can fuck with the best because his “sensitive,” “socialist” Dad taught him the real facts of life at a very young age in a way that Kelso will surely repeat with his own boy.

So, Kelso demolished the woman’s argument: (a) that there are plenty of Kelsos running around who do the biz with passion and voted whether reluctantly or enthusiatically)for Kerry (b) that there are plenty of Kelsos knee-deep in the Southern Gangster/Gambling world that would scare the ever-loving shit of of this poster if she ever encountered any of them. Along the way, Kelso apparently offended the highly sexual, politically conservative Southern Blogger, by using terribly complicated words like “Bookmaker” and “Calcutta,” which threw the sad woman for a loop. He also made references to the REAL Southern underground, which absolutely terrified her and all her posters.

All of this brilliant reasoning and badinage was totally lost on the blogger except she took exception to Kelso’s criticism of the military and law enforcement. Well, finally the penny dropped. Who is Kelso best friend in the military? It’s a Navy Lieutenant on leave to teach military history in NYC. He has multiple piercings, deals X, votes left and wears radical T-shirts. He's also found himself an ultra-cool East Village girlfriend and -- yes -- he's from the Deep South. Notwithstanding, the dude is so smart he’ll make captain for sure and if he stays in the Navy for life, he’s got a chance to make Admiral. For the sake of the US Military, Kelso hopes he stays with it. He's a broad-minded, "psychopathic thinker", to quote Wu-Tang Clan, and would make one hell of a leader. He’s also the finest Omaha player Kelso has ever met and knows baseball to a minor league/college/and high-school farthing. With an engineering degree, however, he’s probably more likely to finish out the 22-year thing to age 40, retire on half-pay with the full VA package if Bush doesn't find a way to fuck that up, and do academics, business or both afterward. So, even when it comes to the military, Kelso’s past all the “support the troops” palaver and is at the level of partying with the younger officer structure.

With all of this gambling stuff and future admirals, Kelso realized post-haste what he was doing – trying to kill a fly with a Howitzer because he felt his manhood as a left-libertarian under fire. Truth of the matter is that Kelso ought to have left all of this shit alone. This blogger probably works in some exurban office cubicle, is probably 25-years old and goes to the Baptist Mega-Church on Sundays to be sure. That kind of low-class crap (and yes snooty Kelso does think it's low-class) is not what Kelso has experienced down South and probably never the twain shall meet. The sex/politics blog probably relieves some of her frustration of having to be a dumbshit foot-soldierette part of the Bush Crime Family agenda, having to see the young and powerful and leftist on the entertainment TV shows. When she’s still at that exurban cubicle in 20 years, 100 lbs fatter it will be a sorrowful thing, and the liberal wise-guys get to march on to the greater glory. Kelso, Jr’s nanny makes more than this young woman and gets it from Kelso’s wages of the underground. Kelso Jr.'s nanny's daughter got a full free ride to an Ivy League institution, so these pissant 'Merican folks even get whupped by African-American folks in Bed-Stuy. Ha ha. As for the underground payments, guess that rules out Kelso’s run for a congressional seat.

In sum, guess Kelso is as much an elitist member of the ruling class as anyone is although Kelso gets to rule while blissed out on Vikeys and trying to get his Texas Hold ‘Em game up to scratch. He probably defeated his own argument by over-cooking the whole thing and just proving what the Republicans have been saying over and over again: we are vice-ridden elitists who don't "get" America and are so dissolute that we out “ill” even a self-fancied tough Southern bondage gal!

What’s the moral? Everybody’s right and everybody’s wrong, but it looks like the left has a bitter of the overs on the moral high ground while the right has more power and a better read on the public.

Football and introspective LV recap to follow later.

Kelso’s Nuts love you.