In all her infinite wisdom, the 2nd ex-Mrs. Kelso decided to give my mobile phone number to a con-man while Kelsos, Jr, Sr, and Mere are here, with Mere hospitalized. That's my problem, however, not any of yours.
Here's how the scam works, a man named (hah! that's cute! A tip of the hat, Henry Rollins) Mr. Ivory calls me on a Saturday claiming to represent a major multi-national financial institution at which I hold a number of accounts. I inquire if he is either a law-enforcement official or a licensed attorney. He claims to be neither, but says "you know, I hate you 'Third-World' types." Wowee-Zowee. "Third-World types." I had been speaking English with the fellow. Guess a New York accent qualifies one for "Third-World" status. He proceeds to tell me that I owe said institution something short of $4000USD, but he would be happy to settle for half that amount should I agree immediately.
I explain to "Mr. Ivory" that I could not possibly owe the institution any money because I do not use their credit cards, nor have I ever exercised my credit line, and moreover have balances in excess of that amount. He explains that this is a "serious matter" and he will be "forced" to inform EVERY FINANCIAL INSTITUTION WITH WHOM I DO HAVE A CREDIT ARRANGEMENT SHOULD I NOT AGREE TO PAY IMMEDIATELY. When I inquire on what possible grounds he feels he has the right to slander me, he makes a vague reference to "shares of A T & T stock." I do not own shares of "A T & T" (which no longer exists as such) nor have I ever owned such equities.
I tell him that I have no idea who the fuck he is nor do I have any desire to continue the conversation. I explain that should he wish to pursue the matter further he may get in touch with my attorney in the United States and my attorney in the Republic Of Panama, whereupon I provide the relevant phone numbers. Upon which, he informs me that as I've "lawyered-up" (man, these fuckheads do love their cop-shows!) the 1/2 settlement is no longer available to me. I close the convesation by explaining to him that I do not wish to hear from him again.
By the way, the phone numbers he left on my voice mail here are untraceable.
Funny thing, the call came in around noon Eastern, yet as I type it's 6:30PM Eastern and I've heard from neither attorney. Go figure.
Everybody, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE be careful, and do as I did should you get such a call.
"Mr. Ivory," please fuck yourself sideways and die slowly. As for the party of the first part, I feel only pity. A broken-home is a sad thing, but maybe it's not such a bad thing, to quote Warren Zevon, "to yield-to-maturity." As for Kelso, living well is indeed the best revenge.
The report on Kelso Jr is all good. I've caught 50 pitches of his from 60' each day and can report the little guy can just throw it into a tea-cup. By my rough estimate, he's throwing 75% strikes. Moreover, his small hands force him to use an unusual fastball grip with which he's getting fantastic tailing left and right. Watch out Lower Manhattan Little League! He obviously takes after his grandfather!
He is holding his own in our heads-up Uno and NLHE/NL-PINEAPPLE tourneys; I've gotten the best of him 3 out of 5 times. In addition to playing the games well, his chip-counting and stacking are very strong. His Spanish improves daily and his accent is fantastic. He turns 8 later this winter.
Kelso's Nuts love you
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6 comments:
Scams and scammers are worse than spam and spammers. One can only hope that they all will die as appropriate to their works. The little guy sounds like a keeper. I like that 8-10 age when kids are becoming capable and filled with enthusiasm.
I get e-mails all the time from somebody claiming to be from Bank of America and saying we need to contact them immediately because our balance is overdrawn. I just delete them. We don't do business with Bank of America and never have. They are just looking for our personal information like social security numbers and such.
You were a lot more patient with that asshole than I would have been. He would have gotten two words from me and they wouldn't have been nice, that's it.
Hope Kelso-mere heals quickly.
I typically don't even yell at the f*&kers anymore, I'm getting too old to waste my time. I usually just hang up the phone. A scammer like that should burn in hell.
ALSO: If any of you ever get an e-mail which has your bank's logo on it, DO NOT OPEN IT. Go to your actual bank direct access account and forward the unopened e-mail to the fraud department with a brief explanation.
Despite all of their cooperation with the "War On Terror" bullshit, by headquarters of the large banks, the EMPLOYEES are pretty helpful and it's always feathers in their caps to nail a fraudster.
the war on terror - pshaw -- this electronic war is getting worse and worse -- it is not just the nigerians pleading for money or banks telling me my account has a problem
there are even more insidious emails that look real --- or total invasions into your computer
as for Kelso Jr -- i wont say Roger Clemens, i will say Sandy Koufax, who was at least jewish (tho i heard not so nice, but you would kn ow better)
He bats both and throws right, so I'd be thrilled to the moon and stars if he ended up as good as Paul Moskau. Just a scholarship to any good college would work, too.
Seems like all of the better Jewish pitchers were lefties: Koufaz, Holtzman, Baumgarten, Belinsky...
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