"BUT ALL I GET IS BITTER AND A NASTY LITTLE RASH..."
--SQUEEZE, "Cool For Cats"

That's right. Kelso is extraodinarily cranky this morning as he has had a very unpleasant rash over about half his body and none of the outcomes are good: it's heat rash brought on by high blood sugar, it's some kind of nervous thing, it's related somehow to high cholesterol, Mrs. Kelso dropped a fat-ass dose on Kelso, nobody knows what it is and a visit to the dermatologist will be required, or it's a precursor to something really awful. One thing it's NOT is an easily treatable condition, fungal in origin. Kelso is hopeful that he is just being another hypochondriachal (cultural) Jew and this will pass in a day or two.

Moreover, Kelso has business meetings in Las Vegas and Los Angeles scheduled for next week and is no mood to be suffering. Add to that having to continue to play poker, horses, sports, get ready for the return of the NHL, build an NCAA football model, and get ready for MLB playoffs. Oh, and Kelso, Jr. begins Kindergarten.

One administrative note. The good folks at Blogger apparently have a spam protection device which Kelso has initiated and ought to cut down on the get-rich-quick loser scumbags. Second administrative note: given Kelso's extreme crankiness, he's going to shelve the Selena Roberts "work" for the time being and focus on more critical matters. Here are the short strokes, although there will be plenty of Selena-fodder once the U.S. Open tennis begins. Kelso will sum it all up for you. There will be movie and music references aplenty and at some point James Blake will be described as a "jungle cat" and if there is another African-American in the running, he or she will be described as playing tennis like "improvisational jazz." Yuck. But that's just shooting fish in a barrel. The woman's a blight and as such obviously deserves the greatest number of column inches in the Tissue Of Lies sports section. Kelso used to earl when he read Claire Smith's jazz metaphors. Thought it was safe to read the Tissue's sports pages, then along comes Selena with the serious stuff. Come back Red Smith, all is forgiven.

Time for some real shooting. So, Pat Robertson has called for the assassination of the democratically-elected head of Democratic Capitalist state which poses no threat to the United States of America for the crime of being, well...left wing. As far as Kelso can tell, most of Venezuela's natural monopolies are under state control. And Venezuela is, of course, the 5th-leading exporter to oil to the United States and a member of OPEC. Another good reason to root for the Red Sox -- THAT CITGO SIGN. It is Kelso's understanding that CITGO is the marketing arm of Venezuela's refined petroleum products. Kelso is also led to believe that he may buy and sell Venezuelan Bolivars, and trade non-deliverable forward contracts in Bolivars with any currency he likes for U.S. Dollar cash settlement. Kelso believe he is able to buy and sell stocks and bonds on the Bolsa and may also enter into derivative contracts on same. Caracas has Starbucks, McDonald's, and Burger King and sells plenty of Microsoft and Mac products. Jeez, Rummy and Pat, this is the kind of country you WANT to spread "stability" to the region. Argentina and Chile with Oil and Baseball is Kelso's read.

Now, since Rumsfeld's appearance there brandishing threatening though weaselly words about Venuezuela being an outpost for communists and terrorists, there have been three fatal plane crashes in the area -- "Northern South America" -- we we've gotten the Reverend (term used advisedly) calling for President Hugo Chavez's assassination. The head of the 666 Club has back-tracked a bit saying that he didn't say "assassination" (he did) but rather suggested that Special Ops Forces could take care of the job. Somebody ought to take care of the job alright. But the job is in Virginia not Venezuela. Wrong "V". Now, we get pearls like this from the mainstream media. Paula Zahn: "Pat Robertson may have been a little over the top, but is he onto something?" Fuck you, Paula Zahn, sideways. Come to think of it, that's kind of sexy.

Kelso is no supporter of George W. Bush, but if some religious crazy from another superpower, say a top Falun Gong guy, were to advocate the assassination of Bush, Kelso would not be pleased. He would be pissed and looking to help protect our president and piss down the necks of any Falun Gong he could find. If you're Falun Gong, don't get upset, it's just an analolgy.

It's all such a cluster-fuck (Gordian Knot, whatever) that is so hard to disentangle, though. Kelso doesn't reckon the US can fight three wars on the ground without begging for invasion from China, and he doesn't reckon the public will buy a third war against a wholly innocent country. So, it sez here, this is all just bullshit and posturing and will soon go away.

Good to note that the Poodle, Tony Blair, is in negotations with the Carlyle Group -- seamless web, see. If Kelso were betting, he'd be looking for Labour to send the Poodle packing at the next conference, with probably Gordon Brown as the likely replacement (R.I.P., Robin Cook). Kelso's guess is that the person will be Northern and will be to Blair's left, which is not saying much because there ain't much room to his right. And with regard to the Poodle, it's great to see that, once again, the old standards have been set, met and maintained. Have fun and make lots of money with Carlyle. It'a a goddamned money MACHINE. Sorry to say, though, that it's a devil's bargain and as you are now "born again," don't expect a blissful eternity. Kelso doesn't believe, so he expects a big sleep. You, Mr. PM, DO believe, so enjoy life on Earth while you can.

Kelso's Nuts love you very much. Pat Robertson and Paula Zahn can take care of themselves. Boy, what would an orgy of Pat Robertson, Paula Zahn, Rush Limbaugh and Daryn Kagan look like?

Oh, Kelso just forgot, a certain rich kid -- that's right, Kelso said it, "rich kid" -- who doesn't approve of Kelso's blend of politics and comedy might have just gotten offended. If it sucks so bad, why not just post a comment? All content-related comments are welcome, tough-guy. It's just blog-spammers that aren't welcome.

Now, Kelso has gotten a little irritated with himself for using prime blog real estate to settle personal scores. It all started with Kelso wanting to hip a friend to the Nuts because Kelso thought said friend WOULD enjoy the blend of politics and sports and comedy. Then it all got conflated up with Mrs. Kelso and her career and made Kelso "tone it down a little." (See "The Slim Shady LP" for details.) Then Kelso went and put his Nuts in Mrs. Kelso's purse and got irritated with himself for doing such an unmanly thing. The soap opera's over as far as Kelso's concerned although things have certainly been put in stark relief with someone who Kelso considered a friend. To square the circle, maybe all this tsuris is the cause of the mystery rash. If so, props to the other guy. Kelso knew he had juice but didn't know he had voodoo.